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China Elevator Stories
Stalking in the Digital Age: A Modern Nightmare
Stalking is very common and has become easier due to the rise of stalkerware.
25/02/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
The last time I was truly free of stalkers was in 2012. My first long-term boyfriend was certainly not one—he was a relaxed and easygoing person. Back then, smartphones weren’t used yet. In my teenage years, stalking took different forms—like someone repeatedly driving past your house or, in cases of overly controlling parents, going through your personal belongings. But being stalked through a phone wasn’t nearly as common as it is today.
Stalkers have always existed, but smartphones and the spyware that can be installed on smartphones have made it alarmingly easy to invade someone’s privacy without them even knowing. Occasionally, a woman might discover that stalkerware has been installed on her phone or computer, but such cases are rare.
Some stalkers give themselves away by casually mentioning that they’ve installed spyware on someone else’s device, or by sharing their knowledge about stalkerware. However, it’s uncommon for a stalker to openly admit they’ve compromised your phone.
In the past, installing spyware required physical access to the victim’s device. Now, it can be done remotely.
One ex-boyfriend showed me firsthand what stalkerware is capable of. He installed spyware remotely and demonstrated just how much control he had over my computer and phone. This type of software is difficult to detect, even with programs designed to find it. I suspect that as soon as spyware detection tools get updated, spyware developers quickly adapt to keep their software hidden.
This particular person installed apps on my phone while I was using it—just to show me he could. He would freeze my screen while I was working, delete emails from my account and from those I had sent them to, and engage in other manipulations to make sure I was aware of his presence. When I was at work, he contacted people in my team using an anonymous name, contacting the support of my company, thereby letting me know he was stalking me via third parties and that he was still keeping track of everything I did.
A stalker with access to your phone can read all your emails and private messages, and even steal your passwords. At this point, I don’t even bother updating my passwords because as soon as I do, the stalkers in my phone get access to them immediately. Right now, I know of three individuals who are constantly inside my phone and computer.
One of them is my Chinese ex-husband. Ironically—and not in a funny way—he asked me to practice English with my children right after a college in China offered me a job as a German teacher and requested that I lead an English corner. Another time, he knew I had lost my job the very next day after it happened. He’s remarkably fast at reading my emails and messages. I’m not sure how long it will take before he sends another hired thug after me or arranges another fire.
Another stalker, the ex-boyfriend mentioned above, hires people to leave objects near my home. Once, I lost my scarf. I hadn’t mentioned it to him, yet the very next day, a warm second-hand sweater mysteriously appeared in a phone booth near my apartment. I took it home and repurposed it into a scarf—after all, if you need a scarf because it’s too cold, you might as well use what’s available rather than spending money on a new one. A while ago, strange graffiti and cryptic messages started appearing around my neighborhood—sometimes even written on snow-covered cars, which I detected a few times after I got up in the morning.
One phrase that has repeatedly shown up in my area is “Gusch, Kaos!” (which roughly translates to “Go away, there’s too much chaos!”). While some graffiti might be random, these words, along with others—including Chinese characters, which are quite rare in Austria—suggest a deliberate connection to someone specific in this particular case. Going to the police with such “evidence” would be pointless.
Before 2012, I had dealt with stalkers as well, but because people weren’t using smartphones back then, stalkers would usually leave me alone much faster. Back then, if I told someone to leave me alone, they eventually would, sometimes it took a few weeks, but it certainly never lasted a few years.
In 2012, I moved to Shenzhen. That’s where I encountered another stalker—a Chinese man who joined the Shenzhen Writers’ Group. Shortly after joining, he began targeting Western women in the group, messaging them privately on WeChat and later asking for their Skype details. He reached out to me as well. His Chinese name wasn’t gender-specific, so I accepted his friend request, not realizing the person contacting me was a man.
From that point on, he constantly messaged me and insisted we meet alone. When I finally met him—along with others—at a café, I had a bad feeling but brushed it off. Later, he became even more persistent, prying into personal details about my marriage, my address in Shenzhen, and even my family’s address in Austria. When I questioned why he was so interested, he always had an excuse—saying he was just curious or that he wanted to send me a letter once I returned home.
He wrote poetry, which made him a fit for the writing group, but he used his talent as a way to manipulate and gain access to women. Eventually, after multiple women came forward about his behavior, the founder of the group transformed it into the “Shenzhen Women Writers’ Group” to exclude him.
During our interactions, he attempted to control where I went, even trying to prevent me from attending group meetings after I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him. He never openly revealed his true intentions. He sent me romantic poetry despite having a newborn child with a Chinese woman—a fact he kept hidden. The founder of the group was the one who eventually told me.
He persistently asked to meet me alone, once even offering to take me to a secluded forest by car. I declined and suggested my husband come along, but he wasn’t interested in meeting him.
My ex-husband was also a stalker, but he was more discreet about it. He made it seem like coincidence, so I didn’t fully recognize the pattern until much later. I’ve written about it in several posts on my blog, including this one.
When I returned to Austria in 2019, my sister’s ex-husband somehow gained access to my private information. Whenever I was struggling financially, my mother would suddenly send me supermarket vouchers—without me ever mentioning my situation to her. This happened three times, always at the exact moment I had just run out of money, making it clear that someone must have been listening to my calls (I had told another person over the phone). Over time, it became even more evident that he had access to my private details, though I have no idea how he managed to obtain them. At the time, we shared an apartment.
Be aware that a stalker may not only try to access your phone or computer but also those of your family members or other people you are in contact with.
Various strangers started stalking me when I began frequenting a nearby café to translate and prepare documents for my divorce case. If you simply want to sit somewhere in peace but end up attracting a new stalker every few days, it quickly becomes clear how shockingly high the rate of stalking in Austria is—far higher than any sane person would believe.
One of these stalkers was a particularly odd character. He would sit across from me with a book in hand, seemingly convinced that I would fall for him. He treated the waitress terribly and had an air of disdain toward women. Whenever he appeared, I left the café—though it wasn’t until the second time he deliberately sat across from me, acting like some self-proclaimed “king,” that I realized he was following me. He seemed to believe that any woman would want him, regardless of her actual preferences.
By the fourth encounter, I had already switched to a different café, yet he followed me there as well. I don’t know how he knew where I was, but I suspect he somehow accessed my location through my phone. Once again, he chose a table opposite mine and pretended to read. His attempt at appearing intellectual was almost laughable, as if simply holding a book was some kind of irresistible charm.
I suspect he had access to my private information and knew I was a blogger or had been published in an anthology. While reading books used to be common, most people my age nowadays read on their phones, so his behavior felt suspicious—especially since he didn’t come across as the intellectual type. (To be clear, men should absolutely read books—books are wonderful!—but in his case, it was obviously just a prop.)
No matter where I went, if I chose a nearby café, he would show up within minutes. Eventually, I had to stop going altogether. I suspect he somehow tracked my location through my phone, though I can’t say for certain. Once I started taking photos, videos, and making notes whenever he appeared, he became more discreet about his stalking, but it didn’t stop until I stopped going to cafés entirely.
When you’ve dealt with multiple stalkers, you eventually gain enough experience to recognize their patterns and figure out how to handle them. That doesn’t necessarily mean you can get rid of them or protect yourself sufficiently—how long they persist depends on how obsessed they are. But no matter what, dealing with a stalker is a nightmare. Being forced to change jobs because of a stalker, especially when others fail to address the issue properly, feels deeply unfair. Society often pretends that people are all rainbows and kindness, insisting that women should always be sweet, quiet, and accommodating—even in the face of stalking, harassment, and threats of violence. If you’ve ever been to Vienna, you’ll know how many unhinged, dangerous people roam the streets—and that you have to protect yourself from them.
I have also had a sociopath stalk me for years now, with no sign of it stopping.
I don’t necessarily believe there are more stalkers now than in my parents’ generation, but if any statistics prove otherwise, I’d be open to hearing them. In my opinion, stalking cases have increased due to the ease of accessing someone’s personal information through their phone or computer. That doesn’t mean more cases are being reported—reporting a stalker to the police is incredibly difficult, and if the stalker finds out, they may retaliate. In the past, stalkers might have been too busy working during the day to constantly monitor their victims. Now, they can easily spy on a person’s private messages and conversations—even while sitting at their own desks during work hours.
So far, all of the stalkers I have encountered were malignant narcissists. “Malignant” means evil, and stalking—especially in its more dangerous forms—is not typically found in normal individuals. However, it is very common among malignant narcissists.
Have you ever been stalked?