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China Elevator Stories
Understanding Stalkers: 4 Common Types Explained
There are different types of stalkers, each with distinct traits.
22/03/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Tamara Hill, a psychotherapist who specialises in stalking and has a YouTube channel where she educates people about stalking, talks about 5 types of stalkers (these are the most common ones, sometimes more types are mentioned as well, I believe she is referring to the revengeful and resentful stalker as two kinds of stalkers). With regards to people who have stalked me, I sometimes find it hard to discern if a stalker is one kind or another, usually, with the more predatory stalkers, you may find a combination of some of these kinds, or of all of them, with one being more prevalent than the others.
These are the different types and how she describes them in her video “5 Types of Stalkers? Understanding Their Modus Operandi – Psychotherapy Crash Course”:
1. The Intimacy Seeker
“The intimacy seeker is a stalker who is seeking a close emotional and psychological relationship with the target. They are seeking a close psychological and emotional connection with the target. What they don’t realize psychologically is, ‘I don’t want to be anywhere attached to you, if you are going to stalk me, so you’re not going to get the intimacy you want, because I don’t want that kind of intimacy, I don’t want you stalking me.” (Hill)
The stalker I have written about on my blog, a sociopath, is a mix of all kinds that are mentioned in this article, but his main type would be the intimacy seeking stalker, followed by the incompetent stalker. An intimacy seeking stalker seeks intimacy not because they can live real intimacy. An intimacy seeking stalker may request intimacy, either through physical, sexual, psychological or emotional closeness, without ever being able to have real intimacy with you or other people or being truly close. He may not share anything about himself, but request that you share every private information about your life with him.
Basically, it works like this: anything that should be private or intimate is instead exposed for him to see, comment on, think about, and watch. An intimacy-seeking stalker may want to watch you change your menstrual cup, have sex with another man, take a shower, or even see your underpants—for one disturbing reason or another, often believing he is entitled to do so. He may also exhibit other deeply unhealthy and deranged behaviors.
Beyond just watching, he may insist on discussing these invasive details with you, refusing to accept boundaries or take ‘no’ for an answer. This kind of behavior is not only disturbing but also a clear violation of personal space and autonomy. In my opinion, intimacy-seeking stalkers are the worst.
They usually won’t share the same level of personal details with you. Initially, I thought the stalker I dealt with wasn’t an intimacy-seeking stalker because he didn’t share any private information with me. However, I later realized it wasn’t about his ability to “be intimate”—it was about his obsessive desire to know everything considered intimate and none of his business, without necessarily revealing any of those details about himself.
It is common for an intimacy seeking stalker to be voyeuristic. He may want to watch what your poo looks like, or may even want to watch you while you poo and would think nothing’s wrong with that or THAT THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T ALLOW HIM TO WATCH (oh, and some grannies exist who enjoy doing that with their grandsons, such as my former mother-in-law who enjoyed sending pictures of my sons’ poo over WeChat a lot, when it really wasn’t necessary to do so, lacking the boundaries normal people have with regards to sending such private information)!
He may be trying to live your relationships, or he may be trying to live your life, and somehow get close to you emotionally or psychologically, but without ever actually truly being able to be close.
Some intimacy-seeking stalkers may attempt to invade your personal space, seeking closeness by physically positioning themselves near you. For instance, they might try to stay around you constantly, even if you haven’t invited them into your life.
An extreme example of this could be a stranger entering your flat without permission while you’re out, claiming to be your boyfriend, lying naked on your bed, and asking you to join him—insisting that it’s now his bed, which you’re merely allowed to share with him. This kind of behavior is a clear indication that you’re dealing with someone with far more serious issues than most people would ever exhibit.
In such a situation, you would likely tell him to return to his own home, his own room (or, more appropriately, to move back in with his mother) instead of pretending that your flat is his, your space is his, and your bed is his.
Stalkers typically have severe attachment issues, and if they are sociopathic, they may be unable to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. For example, they might not understand that it is inappropriate for them to stay at your place without permission or to refuse to leave you alone when you’re in your private space or outside, after you have mentioned millions of times that you want to be left alone by them. They may even claim that something is wrong with you for not allowing a mentally ill person to invade your privacy and space.
Instead of fostering true closeness, an intimacy-seeking stalker may create a false sense of intimacy. They might do this by attempting to take over your life and relationships—suddenly positioning themselves as the “manager” of your personal affairs. They may try to force emotional closeness by telling you what you think and feel about them—not based on reality, but on what they want to hear.
They might also spy on your relationships, inserting themselves into conversations about people in your life or even commenting on private moments you shared with others—moments they watched without your knowledge. They may insist on discussing these moments, claiming to know and understand you deeply because they have stalked you.
Rather than feeling understood, seen, or respected, you are likely to feel overwhelmed, violated and extremely uncomfortable. An intimacy-seeking stalker (as well as other types of stalkers) may constantly engulf you, refusing to give you space or privacy.
2. The Incompetent Stalker
“That’s the individual who has very little social skills, they have very little experience with developing healthy relationships, they can’t see themselves, there’s no personal insight whatsoever, nothing of the kind.” (Hill)
For example, if he’s unattractive, he may believe he’s exceptionally good-looking and try to force you to like him on that basis—insisting that his supposed attractiveness means you must be interested in him and have no right to reject him. His inability to see himself accurately would indicate a lack of self-awareness. If he continues stalking you even after you’ve made it clear that you don’t find him attractive and want nothing to do with him, it further highlights his inability to perceive reality correctly.
Similarly, if he’s not intelligent, he may obsessively insist that he is—constantly boasting about his intellect and harassing you with claims of his superiority. However, truly intelligent people don’t need to declare their intelligence; their words and actions naturally demonstrate it. Intelligence, like most qualities, is proven through ability and behavior, not by making baseless claims and then trying to force others to adopt an obviously false perspective. This kind of delusional self-perception, combined with an aggressive need for validation, often comes across as embarrassingly foolish and makes others deeply uncomfortable.
An incompetent stalker fails to recognize that he is not as perfect, intelligent, or attractive as he believes himself to be. While everyone can occasionally misperceive themselves, an incompetent stalker takes this to the extreme—never acknowledging any faults in himself or his behavior, even when his actions are blatantly disturbing. He may also try to force others to praise him for his supposed superior qualities, even when it is obvious that he does not possess them.
Simply having an inaccurate self-image isn’t inherently disturbing. However, when someone aggressively pushes their false sense of superiority onto others—intimidating and coercing them into offering praise—we are dealing with a much more troubling situation.
3. The Revenge/Resentful Stalker (Sometimes Referred to as the Rejected Stalker):
“This is the individual who feels rejected, you have told him assertively: ‘I do not want that, do not come near me’. And they continue to aggress you, they continue to come into your space and direction. The rejected stalker really is vengeful, they are on a journey to seek revenge, they want to harm you in some fashion, they want to dominate you and control you and manipulate you in some fashion.” (Hill)
Initially, this person’s stalking behavior may not seem too severe. However, after you reject them, their stalking may escalate. For example, a husband might intensify his stalking after a breakup, or a mother-in-law may stalk you once she learns you’re planning a divorce. I’ve experienced this firsthand with my ex-husband, who stalked me during our relationship but escalated his actions after I moved from China to Austria to prepare his residence permit. In fact, he attempted to have me killed twice (at least those are the two instances I’m aware of, through arson). His mother secretly stalked me as well.
When we initially met, my ex-husband’s behavior seemed relatively benign. He would often ask where I was and what I was doing, ensuring that we spent a lot of time together. I enjoyed spending time with him, so I wasn’t bothered by his actions. However, some of the signs of his stalking were subtle—like trying to ensure I only visited friends when he was with me, frequently calling me when I was out, and bringing me food. At the time, I didn’t recognize his behavior as stalking. I interpreted it as acts of love. Upon reflection, though, it’s clear that his true intent was to monitor my whereabouts and control me.
After we separated, his stalking became much more aggressive—what I now refer to as “negative stalking.” This marked a stark contrast to his earlier behavior, which, although controlling, hadn’t seemed as harmful. His actions shifted from possessiveness and jealousy to violent intimidation, which eventually escalated to attempts to take my life. The turning point came when I noticed his stalking evolve from a jealousy-driven obsession into a dangerous pattern of predation.
4. The Predatory Stalker:
“This individual is a criminal, they are predators. They spy on you. They spy on you online, they spy on you in person. Their whole idea is not intimacy, it’s not that they lack social skills and want to be close, it’s not that they are vengeful and angry because you rejected them, they are predators because this kind of act that they are doing, of stalking you satisfies them in some way, it satisfies an internal need that they have, these kinds of stalkers seek to rape, harm or maybe even strangle and kill their victims, because they are desiring the ability to conquer somebody, that’s why we’re calling this kind of person a predator.” (Hill)
Malignant narcissists, particularly those who threaten to kill you if you ever leave, are often predatory stalkers. While women can also engage in stalking, I have found that men more frequently fall into this category. These individuals are obsessed with the belief that “you are their property.” You are not allowed to leave or separate from them. They may have previously threatened or intimidated you, possibly through violent attacks or degrading behavior, to demonstrate that they will follow through on their threats.
At first, a predatory stalker might seem calm and collected. However, if you spend enough time with them, you will start to see aggressive and violent episodes. My ex-husband, for instance, didn’t seem too aggressive at first (there were early signs, but I didn’t understand that he had a problem with violence). Over time, he became more violent and aggressive, and once I mentioned the idea of divorce, his aggression and violence escalated.
If you’re married to a malignant narcissist, it may be safest not to disclose your intentions to divorce, especially if the person is violent. In my case, telling him I was thinking of divorce was meant to give us a chance to work on our marriage, but he wasn’t interested. He constantly claimed that we would do things together in the future or that maybe he would change, keeping me in a situation where I hoped he would change. This was future faking, as he wasn’t interested in addressing his own issues or working on our marriage.
By that time, he had already cheated with various women half his age, and once I found out about it, I knew I could no longer stay with him. But before I knew about this, I thought there was still hope. Since we had two children together, I didn’t want to separate just like that. He was also too possessive to let me leave freely, even when our marriage wasn’t functioning and it was clear he wasn’t interested in having a real relationship with me. In such a situation, the perpetrator may send mixed signals, preventing you from making a clear, neutral decision.
My ex-boyfriend is another example of an extreme stalker. For instance, if he knew I was planning to go somewhere, he would hire someone to place an item for me to find—such as a pullover I could turn into a scarf—or even hire someone to paint a scene from one of his music videos onto a garage door (which he placed near a place I visited once). It became clear that he hired people to carry out these acts as a way to stalk me. He had previously hired individuals to spray graffiti around Vienna, often near places I frequented, as a way of letting me know he was monitoring me, including Chinese characters.
Predatory stalkers are very difficult to escape from, as they are accustomed to stalking and spend most of their free time doing so. They use the latest software, install spyware remotely, frequent the darknet, track your location, hire people to follow you so they’ll always know what you’re up to, or manipulate your friends and family members to spy on you.
Tamara Hill explains stalking as a serious issue that often points to deeper psychological problems within the stalker. She defines stalking as follows:
“Stalking is unprovoked most of the time, but it is definitely unwanted. You don’t want it, right? You’re not interested in whatever the other individual has to offer. That’s what stalking is. You’re saying ‘no,’ whether passively or assertively. By ‘passively,’ I mean you’re not responding to text messages, emails, or knocking on your door. You’re not communicating, yet the stalker continues to pursue you. The relationship is one-sided, and that is stalking.”
You might think, as Hill points out,
“Wait a minute, this person is really trying to dictate, control my life, and I don’t want any communication with them.”
One of the stalkers I’ve had still insists that he’s not stalking me, but simply hanging around and spying on me because “that’s what I want.” He claims I “need” to be with him, as if otherwise, I would be alone. However, I don’t mind being alone, and I believe that people who don’t allow a woman to enjoy her solitude are rather… dumb.
His reasoning is completely flawed, as he relies on biases he’s absorbed from incel forums to explain why I, as a woman, shouldn’t be allowed to spend time alone. These beliefs, which paint men as grandiose beings and women as their subordinates, likely stem from subconscious desires about how I should live my life with him. His assumptions aren’t just wrong; they also indicate a lack of grasp on reality. There may be situations where it’s easy to escape a stalker by changing the café you frequent, but there are other situations where it’s much harder to break free from one.
In my experience, stalking leads to PTSD within the victim, particularly if it happens over a prolonged period of time, Hill also says that PTSD is commonly found to be present within the victim, as are depression and suicidal thoughts. It is a stress that won’t go away unless the stalker leaves you alone, and may also lead to panic attacks.
During my marriage with a psychopath, I was suffering repeated panic attacks because of his death threats and intimidation. These situations can have a lasting negative effect on your mind, psyche and body.
As long as a person is stalking you (no matter if he does so covertly or overtly), the stress won’t usually go away. It is our body’s natural response to a possibly dangerous situation, and it is normal for our body to react to outside danger with a stress-response.
Have you ever encountered any of these types of stalkers?