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China Elevator Stories
Relationship Values: The Foundation for Long-Term Compatibility
In any romantic relationship, for it to work long-term or to become a relationship at all, major values have to align.
06/03/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
In a good person (a “non-narcissist,” so to say), these values may be:
Loyalty:
Having a partner who doesn’t cheat on them.
Boundaries and privacy:
Spending time together while also respecting each other’s boundaries and privacy is an important value for some people. If one person values personal time in a relationship, but the other constantly watches them, overwhelms them, or even stalks them, they wouldn’t be a good match.
Co-dependent individuals often want to spend all their time with their partner, disregarding personal boundaries. Others may also enjoy spending a lot of time together, especially at the beginning of a relationship, but still maintain a sense of independence and get their own tasks done.
In cases of severe co-dependency, one person may feel a constant need to be with their partner, preventing them from focusing on their own responsibilities. If you’re not co-dependent, this can be overwhelming and frustrating, as it keeps you from accomplishing your own goals. While two co-dependent people might function together, a relationship between a co-dependent and a non-co-dependent is unlikely to work well long-term.
Personally, I can’t stand men who are highly co-dependent, refuse to work on their independence, and then blame others for not constantly spending time with them. While spending time together is important, there is such a thing as too much. It becomes excessive when one partner expects the other to give up their hobbies, activities, and priorities just to focus on them. In these cases, the co-dependent partner may demand constant attention, and expect their needs to be prioritized while ignoring their partner’s.
Two non-co-dependent individuals are a much better match—like my ex-husband and me, back when things were still somewhat working. On the other hand, the singer I was dating was so co-dependent that I can’t even understand how he manages to get on stage alone. Then again, maybe he only manages because there are other people up there with him, so he’s never truly alone.
When someone is too co-dependent, their need for constant togetherness can become extreme and irrational. As a woman who has traveled solo through China, I could never be with a man who can’t handle being alone. A man like that would be a 100% mismatch for me.
Co-dependency isn’t just about spending time together. Non-co-dependents may also enjoy spending most of their time with their partner, but they do so in a different way. Co-dependents often believe that everything must be done together—whether it’s a project, task, or daily activity—but that doesn’t necessarily mean they make great team players.
For someone like me, this is a no-go. As an adult, you need to develop essential life skills, and independence is one of them.
Co-dependents often struggle to do anything alone, including tasks like going to the doctor or shopping, and may constantly need someone to accompany them. While some people simply enjoy doing these activities with others, they are still capable of doing them alone most of the time, meaning they aren’t co-dependent. In contrast, a truly co-dependent person typically feels unable to do anything alone and insists on having someone with them for everything.
Communication:
Communicating respectfully and solving conflicts by arguing about things without the arguing getting out of control or leading to nothing. Arguing is only healthy if it leads to the resolution of conflicts and isn’t used as a tool to create more conflict without ever resolving anything. In a relationship where two people don’t argue at all, some conflicts may be hidden, or likes and dislikes may not be spoken about, which isn’t great communication either. One value could be that conflicts need to be talked about to then be resolved.
Non-violent behavior:
One of the values I have is that the other person can’t act passive-aggressively toward me or be violent toward me. I have experienced very aggressive and violent men and don’t tolerate violence.
No childish behavior:
You may enjoy humor and joking, but that doesn’t mean you enjoy behaving like a baby. I have met many narcissistic men who behaved like little children, trying to push me to become more childish as well. The result is usually that you end up taking responsibility for their irresponsible behavior—carrying four backpacks instead of just one—because three grown men ‘play babies who can’t take care of their own needs’ and shift their responsibilities onto you, even when they are completely healthy and responsible for managing their own lives.
Childish behavior often means avoiding serious issues, pushing them aside, pretending they don’t exist, or using humor to mask real emotions. It’s about never allowing someone to process deeply significant occurrences, like the death of a family member, or the loss of one’s own children, in a mature manner. The other person, despite your requests to allow you to focus on your priorities, may continuously play the clown, demanding attention, or pushing you into superficial distractions. For example, when you express the need to grieve your father’s death, they might respond with something like, ‘Forget that, let’s talk about Instagrammer’s clothes or how sexy I am,’ instead of allowing you to process your emotions in a healthy way.
Because of the harassment and stalking I’ve been experiencing, with that person constantly demanding attention and distracting me from my own priorities, I haven’t been able to grieve my father’s death (he passed in 2021) or my grandmother’s passing. Whenever I try to focus on my emotions and issues, he distracts me with insignificant problems, starting another fight as an excuse. He is a shallow person and will never be a true match for me, yet he still claims—despite my clear boundaries—that we’re such a great match and that he couldn’t be more perfect for me.
He calls me selfish when I want to focus on my own issues or spend time alone, and he behaves in an odd manner towards me, acting out what seems like unresolved puberty issues he probably never fully dealt with in relation to … I don’t know, his mother? His grandmother? Some other woman?
Friends and family:
Spending time together with other people, getting to know other people in your partner’s life, such as friends and family. In a committed relationship, everyone should know the other person’s best friends and family. One of your values may be that you need to come first. If the other person constantly puts everyone else first and deems everyone else more important than you, you may choose to end the relationship.
Religious values:
If you’re not religious, your value may be dating someone else who shares your belief system. If you’re religious, maybe your value is to date someone who belongs to the same religion. Some people who aren’t religious are willing to date people who are religious, but be aware that they need to have the value that they don’t mind that the other person is religious, and the religious person has to be okay with dating someone who is not.
Political values:
Political values can’t be too distant from each other. For example, a woman who has been married to a Chinese man and has two Chinese-Austrian children would certainly not be willing to date a racist man who thinks that the their race is superior and who paints other cultures and nationalities as extremely weird and dumb—such as the stalker I have had (who seems to lean to the right). To me, I would never date someone who is a supporter of the Austrian Freedom Party because I don’t support intolerant, discriminatory, and racist viewpoints. I have heard “woke people” claim how badly AfD members in Germany are being treated and that they aren’t “included” in society, but in my opinion, this is an intolerant party “acting the victim.” We don’t want this kind of discrimination, and if we’ve learned from history, we won’t take these things lightly (but many people haven’t learned from history and support their victim mindset, believing their “fake victim story” that everybody is treating them horrifically and that they are the poor victims who have been wronged by others.
Worldview:
Your worldview has to somewhat align. In most relationships, small differences won’t break things, but bigger ones will. If one person isn’t racist but the other constantly makes racist comments, they probably won’t stay together for long (or even start dating) if one person values having an open mind and not discriminating against other cultures. A person who consistently makes negative statements about other cultures, such as the Chinese, especially when the other person has been married to a Chinese man and has Chinese-Austrian children, won’t be a good fit. Your worldview may also need to align on other topics, like war, peace, and politics. For example, if you’re a modern woman, you probably wouldn’t be willing to date an incel (even if the incel believes you should, because he thinks he’s so great). It’s not hard to understand that if you’re a 1 on the dating scale and he’s a 5 (with 5 being the worst), you wouldn’t want to be with him. There are millions of single men out there, so why choose one who performs suboptimally in any area that is important in a man?
Character/personality:
One of your values might be that while physical attraction is important initially, it isn’t the most significant factor in a relationship. You may want to be with someone you’re attracted to, but once that initial attraction is there, their looks won’t matter as much in the long run because they already work for you. However, if someone constantly talks about appearance and disregards other important values, then your values likely don’t align.
If you think character and personality are the most important things, but the other person thinks you can date anyone as long as they are sexy and hot—and that character and personality don’t matter at all—and then wonders why they keep fighting with you and trying to change you into someone you’re not, well, you know that the other person doesn’t share your values.
Usually, in a case like this, the other person should reflect on their values.
Choosing someone simply for how they look is not a good idea and would show that a person is shallow and superficial and doesn’t really think much when choosing a partner.
Usually, choosing a partner should be done thoughtfully, and both people should be a match—not just appearance-wise, but character- and personality-wise.
For me, it is important that a person has depth, that they are intelligent (and that we can talk about topics that interest both of us), and not just that the other person looks good and we can have sex because they have a “hot body.” See how these values wouldn’t align? A person who’s just into sex may not care much about who you are or what your character is; they may only care about taking off your clothes.
And then, you wonder why there are no common interests and why you feel bored every time the other person speaks. You’re passionate about Chinese history, but they only talk about how people look, what clothes they wear, or how you should wear makeup because they claim you don’t look great without it. If this same shallow conversation repeats for five years without ever evolving into something deeper, it’s clear they aren’t a good match for you.
Talk about living a purposeless life filled with meaningless conversations. Imagine reaching the end of your life, only to realize all you ever did was obsess over appearances—how others look, what you should wear to appear sexy—without once reflecting on the deeper meaning of life or fully enjoying the present moment. That’s a waste of a life. And if someone like this is in yours, they may be wasting your time just as much as their own.
People who don’t believe in living with purpose will expect you to do the same. Be mindful of who you let into your life—don’t give access to those who only think in superficial terms and never truly live in the present moment. If someone spends all day fixated on looks, fashion, and Instagram, and if that person is a man nonetheless, you already know your values don’t align. It’s time to move on.
The other person may be very superficial and only talk about shallow topics such as looks, shopping, Instagram, or other things you don’t find very interesting. The stalker I have written about is certainly one of the most superficial people I have come across, incapable of meaningful communication. When he talks, it’s always about him, him, him—you don’t even cross his mind as a human being with needs and feelings, someone who doesn’t want to be pushed around or used for his selfish gain. Yet, he claims you need to want him and be with him—just because he realized you are working on a few projects he thinks are cool and wants to be part of them to become famous and successful, or otherwise leech off you.
I only spend time with people I actually enjoy being around, not with those who bore me so much that I don’t want to live another day—people whose emptiness drains the meaning from my own life. Allowing a stalker into my life? That’s an irrational and delusional thought. I mean, how dumb do you have to be to think a woman would be foolish enough to allow that? But yeah, having a normal conversation with this person is impossible.
If your value is to have a deeper connection and talk about more meaningful topics, but he is superficial and only pays attention to shallow things, you know you’re definitely not a match.
Time:
You may want to spend all your time together, or you may enjoy spending time alone, even when you’re in a relationship with another person. Your values concerning privacy and the use of time must align. If one person needs time alone, but the other believes that their partner’s time is “their time” to make plans, take from them, and exert control, then you’re definitely not a match.
Most people I know take time for themselves and don’t need to ask a sick stalker—who wants to create a martyr complex in them—for permission. They can also meditate in peace or engage in healing activities like yoga without having to deal with a man who gets an erection while they’re doing yoga or who refuses to let them meditate because he can’t stand people who need quiet and relaxation.
If you can never relax, don’t expect a person who is normally quiet and relaxed to open her doors to you. If you are disrespectful, don’t expect a woman to welcome you with open arms, allowing you to sleep in her bed and eat at her table as though you were her son rather than a grown man responsible for leading his own adult life. A man should not stalk a woman just to avoid being alone, thereby never leaving her alone either.
If all you do is watch porn all day and masturbate, don’t be shocked when a woman doesn’t believe your claims of being extremely spiritual, religious, or deeply intellectual. You are not some Buddha-like figure capable of staying quiet and meditating—you are simply gaslighting others by pretending to be someone you are not.
Making a list to avoid dating another narcissist
If you have been in relationships that didn’t work out, you already have some relationship experience. Usually, having real-life romantic relationships helps us better understand what we want in a partner and what we would never tolerate.
If you’re someone who tends to fall in love based on looks but fear meeting another malignant narcissist, making a list can help you approach things more logically and avoid repeating past mistakes.
Usually, if both people have a list (or at least a mental list) of their values and only choose to date people who share those values, there isn’t much of a problem. Problems arise when one person doesn’t reflect on the values the other person needs to share and then tries to push them to adopt values that aren’t true to themselves.
(This blog post aligns with my previous ones on the topic of ‘DEALING WITH DUMB PEOPLE;’ I could have called them dealing with a dumb man I, dealing with a dumb man II, dealing with a dumb man III, dealing with a dumb man IV, dealing with a dumb man V, dealing with a dumb man VI and dealing with a dumb man VII). Hopefully, blogging and pointing out the truth will give the sociopathic stalker such a huge narcissistic injury that it will make him go away forever. So far, I haven’t been successful, but it’s what narcissist experts say you should do!
I have had this experience with the most horrific stalker I have ever encountered—a man a few years younger than me, who initially masked his real looks, identity, and age when he first contacted me. I later found out he is a sociopath, which is why I have been dealing with a deranged individual who is stalking me and insisting that I need to allow him to stalk me and be in my life for several years in a row. He doesn’t really think about values; in his mind, as long as there’s something he wants from me, he’ll remain in my life to get it.
Stalking is, of course, a different story, because a stalker is usually mentally ill and doesn’t think critically or objectively about topics such as values. Another thing he doesn’t seem to consider at all is that IQ should somewhat align (be in the same range). If I don’t want to be bothered by a man who is too dumb to have a normal conversation—one where no unnecessary drama is created and where no one is being emotionally blackmailed or otherwise abused through hysterical displays of emotion—then our values regarding intelligence don’t align. An intelligent man is someone I can have a normal conversation with, whereas someone who isn’t intelligent won’t be capable of having meaningful discussions.
Also, I’m much more interested in Chinese history than, for example, how a person looks or how much they weigh.
Freedom is another value that is important to me, yet he constantly tramples on it. I don’t think any woman with a functioning brain would want to be with a man like him, and he should be looking for a woman who doesn’t mind being with a completely crazy and mentally ill man. I’m sure such a woman exists, but she is certainly not me.
Narcissists and their lack of values
Usually, when you’re a normal person and the other person is a narcissist, your values will not align. A narcissist may pretend and act as though your values align, but in reality, they will have completely different values.
Typically, narcissists have “no values.” This may manifest in the form of anti-values, such as:
Being immoral:
A narcissist may demand loyalty from you, forbidding you from having affairs, yet secretly cheat behind your back while still claiming to be faithful.
Not sharing their life with yours:
They may expect you to share everything with them, but they won’t reciprocate. They may tell you nothing about their own life and exclude you from it. Some narcissists will introduce you to their family and friends at first, while others will never do so. If they don’t let you meet their loved ones or integrate you into their life, that’s a red flag. A good, decent person usually won’t mind others getting to know private details about their life or introducing their partner to family and friends. If someone refuses to do this, something is off.
Inability to communicate healthily:
There are different kinds of narcissists. Some initially seem capable of healthy communication and may even be good communicators at first. Over time, however, their communication may deteriorate. This was the case with my ex-husband. Then there are others who aren’t good communicators from the start. These people use communication as a weapon to hurt others, rather than as a tool to create trust and resolve conflicts. You may experience verbal abuse (which is common in any relationship with a narcissist), and they will never speak to you as an equal. Instead, they will see themselves as superior, like a king who deserves reverence, while treating you as beneath them. They may talk down to you as if you have no right to set boundaries, as if you’re not human and don’t deserve respect or healthy social interaction.
With a stalker, communication may look even worse. He may talk incessantly and expect you to listen, criticize you, talk down to you, spread lies about you (either to your face or behind your back), or otherwise verbally abuse you. If you set boundaries, he may ignore them, refuse to stop his harassment and stalking, and completely deny you the right to say no. If you tell him you’re an introvert and a HSP who can’t handle loud environments because your body simply isn’t wired that way, he’ll likely try to gaslight you—pretending that introversion is something you need to “heal from” or even that you should “become an extrovert.”
Gaslighting is a common tactic in any communication with a narcissist. However, it can be difficult to spot at first if you don’t know enough about the person to recognize when they’re lying. One of your values as a non-narcissist might be that lying is unacceptable, whereas a narcissist may believe they have the right to lie as much as they want. Of course, this standard won’t apply to you—if you ever tell a white lie (for instance, to avoid talking to them), they will punish you severely, portraying you as an evil liar who is ruining humanity.
Double standards:
The above example highlights a double standard. Every narcissist applies double standards. They believe they can do whatever they want, while you cannot. They claim to have a million rights, but you have none. For example, they may demand to know everything about your daily activities, who you spend time with, and where you go, but they won’t feel the need to share the same information with you. Many narcissists believe that social norms and rules don’t apply to them—they think they can do as they please without owing anyone an explanation.
My ex-husband, for example, constantly asked for my address in Austria but never shared his own. He hid our children from me, expected me to give him my address, but never told me where he and our children lived. This is a classic example of a double standard—where one person imposes rules on another but refuses to follow those same rules themselves.
On a side note:
I had disabled comments for the past few years due to stalking. I’ve now reactivated them on all posts, so feel free to leave a comment at the bottom of the page. Please stay polite and respectful in your comments, or I will have to delete them!