China Elevator Stories

Please change yourself

When you are the problem, the person who needs to change is you, not someone else.


Ruth Silbermayr
Ruth Silbermayr


Joris has scapegoated me horrifically for months. I am speaking up because he has really upped his efforts to punish me  and he has done so partly for things I didn’t even do. He has totally switched up perpetrator and victim. No matter what I do, he’ll create a block in my life. No matter what my priorities are, he’ll try to change them. No matter what I do, he’ll criticize me and won’t let me simply do things quietly and on my own. He’ll engulf me and won’t let me spend time on my own or let me have time to heal.

I’m trying to relink my Pinterest posts? He’s already in there, sabotaging my efforts by having somehow hacked into Pinterest and then blocking me from being able to change the links.

I’m trying to work on my career? He’s already in my computer, waiting for me to start working on my current project, and then he sabotages me by making me have to stop (from afar) by not allowing me to finish any project (he can freeze my screen, he hacks into platforms and changes the code so I can not do or work on anything). You wouldn’t think one of Germany’s most famous singers has time for futile acts such as these, but he has.

When I ask him to please stop being passive-aggressive, he denies all guilt, says that I am the problem, blame-shifts* and then throws a tantrum where he needs to make himself the center of attention, instead of allowing me to have whatever I need to focus on be the center of my attention.

He has asked me repeatedly if I wanted to marry him, after he had abused me horrifically over a prolonged period of time. When I asked him to stop to ask me to marry him because this was certainly not warranted in a situation like this and the stage our (already ended) relationship was at, he’d just become aggressive and start spewing hatred onto me.

I mean, I don’t even want to write these blog posts because … certainly, he’s not that important to me (even though he surely makes himself out to be very important – this also means trying to create importance where there is none and trying to push himself into my life and relationships in a way that is not natural and is destroying the relationships I have with other people). There is no consideration for me or my needs, ever, and this includes very basic needs such as rest, sleep and quietude.

I believe you can become important to someone else if you create meaning in that person’s life, or if you are simply being a kind person, but if all you do is create destruction, negativity and a lack of flow, then you simply won’t become important to the other person.

He abuses me for many hours and then he tells me ‘I love you’. When I tell him, ‘no, Joris, this is not love and please stop saying this to me, when it is simply obvious that you don’t’, he’ll just start to blame-shift again. He is always blaming me. It’s all he does all day long. Have you ever been in the vicinity of a person who always blames another person? I find this behavior very embarrassing – I am having to deal with a person who is so severely emotionally immature and lacks the ability to see things correctly – and a circle of violence THAT SIMPLY WON’T STOP.

If you want to have a relationship, you have to actually ‘have a relationship’ and do the work or actions that lead to a relationship.

He was trying to create what I will call a “Fata Morgana relationship” (or a pseudo-relationship). That’s not the same as a real relationship. There were enough chances for him to change and to own his problems, and I have asked him repeatedly to do so, but he hasn’t.

I am not talking about small things that are insignificant and don’t matter, I am talking about big things, and things that do matter. Nobody wants to be in the vicinity of a person who constantly abuses another person and then blames the victim for his abuse.

Have you stopped hating on me yet? No? Get out of my space.

Have you gone within and looked at your problems instead of identifying me as the supposed problem? No? Fuck off. I don’t want this in my life.

With regards to you trying to gaslight me into thinking that you are so intelligent, well, your actions show otherwise! I mean, yes, in theory you are intelligent. Your IQ is very high (170), and you have been blessed with a photographic memory. But real intelligence comes from within, it comes from taking intelligent action, and it shows in how you treat another person. You treat another person horrifically and then you go on and on and on about how the other person is so wrong to want to separate from you? Well, guess what, this shows that you are not making use of your intelligence in real life!

Beech would be the Bach Flower that is applicable to you.

“Bach’s Beech Flower Remedy is intended for individuals who tend to be critical, intolerant, or judgmental. ‘People in a Beech state lack compassion and understanding for others, often manifesting as irritability’. The remedy encourages tolerance, understanding, and the ability to see the good in others despite imperfections.”

In your opinion, it is always somebody else who is to blame. And yes, blame it all on me, the victim, because this makes YOU feel so much better. It’s not as though I haven’t been scapegoated for all my life, so surely, I can take some more blame. “SHE needs to change”, “SHE is the problem”. “SHE, SHE, SHE”. You know what? You are wasting my time. Now leave me alone.

*(“Blame-shifting is a strategy where a person deflects responsibility or accountability for their actions by redirecting blame onto someone else. The individual who engages in blame-shifting tries to avoid negative consequences or repercussions by attributing fault to another person, circumstance, or external factor.”)

[I am stating this here because the link is linking to a Christian page: I grew up Christian but have no denomination nowadays. I don’t have a problem with people who do though.]

Has a person ever denied they had any responsibility in a situation?

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