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China Elevator Stories
The Incels You Didn’t Know About: A Closer Look
Incels aren’t as rare as one may think.
02/10/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Before I had a stalker—whom I didn’t initially know was an incel—I thought incels were rare. Now, I am much more aware that they are not. Many simply don’t go around announcing that they’re incels.
With this particular stalker, it took about two years before I realized he was an incel. His attitude toward women was extremely hostile, and whenever something went wrong in his life, it was always the fault of a woman. His mother? “Well, she’s a hateful human being, not worth mentioning because she’s a narcissist who treated me badly,” he would say. I found it odd, especially since he spoke extremely positively about his father—though often in an immature way, lacking emotional depth. When I suggested that perhaps his mother had raised him and deserved some gratitude as well, he continued to criticize her and wanted me to agree.
I quickly realized that having a normal conversation with him was impossible.
When I confronted him about being an incel, he denied it, arguing that he couldn’t be one because he had had sex with women in the past. However, I believe that if someone exhibits all the other traits of an incel, they fit the description—regardless of whether they’ve had sex or not.
There are real victims in the world—people who have genuinely suffered at the hands of others. I fully support real victims sharing their stories, as their testimonies can help others. For instance, if Jewish people hadn’t shared what happened to them during the Second World War—those that were able to share what happened—we wouldn’t know the extent of those atrocities. Sharing these experiences is important.
But there are also fake victims—people who play the victim when they are not. I don’t support these individuals sharing their stories, especially when it involves hatred toward their mothers, ex-girlfriends, or other women they’ve encountered. This is particularly problematic when the person playing the victim is a narcissist and a gaslighter. It’s even worse when you, the real victim, are turned into their therapist, expected to listen to how they were supposedly victimized—often by you or other women. The stalker I’ve had tried to use this tactic to stay in contact with me even after I told him to leave me alone.
One of the most well-known incels was Elliot Rodger. According to The Incel Rebellion: The Rise of the Manosphere and the Virtual War Against Women by Lisa Sugiura, Rodger
“uploaded a 141-page manifesto shortly before he stabbed and shot people in Isla Vista, California, on May 23, 2014, killing six and then himself.”
Sugiura explains that,
“prior to Rodger, though, the term incel was relatively unknown in the wider public sphere, confined to spaces online within the so-called manosphere. The manosphere is comprised of disparate, conflicting, and overlapping men’s groups that share a hatred of women and antifeminism.”
I’ve personally experienced a great deal of discrimination, even in the courts—a form of discrimination that, I believe, wasn’t as prevalent 20 years ago, before these online communities that foster misogyny emerged. Misogyny, while often subtle, is pervasive. Not everyone has experienced it the way I have, so some people claim this phenomenon doesn’t exist or hasn’t worsened. But it has. In Austria, I’ve spoken with other women who have also experienced discrimination in the courts and other institutions, which seem to have adopted misogynistic views into their policies.
Sugiura explains that incels are not an isolated phenomenon:
“Incel as a subculture is not an isolated phenomenon; it is part of a larger backlash against feminism, propelled by the manosphere, consisting of groups of men all connected by their belief that feminine values have corrupted society and men need to retaliate against this misandrist culture to preserve their very survival.”
Are men truly being treated unfairly, or is it a misperception? I’ve encountered many men who believe they are victims of an unjust system, but I am certain this belief is mistaken. In fact, I’ve often seen men claim they were treated unfairly when they weren’t.
For example, when the court granted me two weekly video calls with my children, they acted as though I was ‘lucky’ to receive that privilege. The implication was that giving me more—like summer holidays with my kids or sole custody—would be ‘unfair’ to my ex-husband, who, in the eyes of the male judge, deserved to keep the children. From the judge’s perspective, he was the father and deserved custody, while I was supposed to be grateful for just two video calls a week, with no physical custody, and not even the chance to see my children again.
In this case, my ex-husband would claim he was receiving unfair treatment. But was he really being treated unfairly, or was I the one being treated extremely unfairly while he was simply claiming to be the victim when he was not?
Feminism is not about giving women more rights than men—it’s about granting equal rights to both.
Incel means ‘involuntarily celibate,’ and it includes men who want to have sex or a relationship with one particular person, such as the stalker who has forced his way into my life and does not respect my refusal. In my case, ‘involuntarily celibate’ refers to not receiving sex from this specific person, even though he desires it. I don’t know if he has had this same experience with other women, but his behavior generally aligns with what can be observed among incels.
Sugiura writes:
“Studies focusing on incels have been notoriously difficult to conduct due to the evasive and hostile nature of those who are involuntarily celibate (Burgess, Donelly, Dillar & Davis, 2001). Research on the incel community is in its infancy, but it is a growing area of interest. (…) The central argument of this book is that although incels are an extreme manifestation of misogyny, their problematic attitudes are not contained to the online spaces they frequent. Instead, they are symbolic of structural misogyny and patriarchal systems of socialization. Moreover, the ideology espoused within incel communities is interwoven with the wider socio-political climate. This type of extremist behavior is not confined to online spaces but is exacerbated by digital technologies.”
I’ve often heard people use “incel” to describe someone who simply can’t find a person who wants to have sex with them, but Sugiura’s definition is closer to what I’ve observed in the stalker I’ve had:
“The term incel is a portmanteau of the words involuntary and celibate. Those who adopt the name view themselves as unsuccessful in obtaining sex and romantic relationships with those they desire.”
Sugiura’s description resonates because it doesn’t focus on general romantic or sexual failure—it’s about being unsuccessful in securing a relationship with the specific person they desire.
To me, regarding the sociopathic stalker, it is clear where this is coming from. If one woman doesn’t like you, you have to look for another woman. It’s as simple as that. However, this person has a poor understanding of social norms and rules, and he won’t leave me alone, no matter what, because he is fixated on the idea that I am inferior to him and that he is superior to me. He believes he can simply decide to be with me without seeking my consent. We are dealing with someone who has a mental illness, not a person who behaves normally. A mentally healthy man would move on to another woman who shows interest in him when the woman they were pursuing rejects a relationship or sexual advances. Someone like him also isn’t capable of being in a real, committed relationship with a woman because he lacks the social skills to do so. Therefore, an incel may not necessarily be someone who can engage in a relationship with women but may blame them for not providing the relationship he believes he deserves.
As I mentioned, the abnormality in an incel’s behavior may be so extreme that there is a deeper reason for why a person self-identifies or is identified by someone who has experienced their disturbing behavior as an incel. They may not simply be men who can’t find a woman to be in a relationship with, but rather men with much more severe disorders, such as sociopathy, narcissism, schizophrenia, or a combination of various disorders.
Sugiura notes:
“The incel community that is recognizable today has developed online since the mid-2000s and has particularly gained traction since 2015. Although there has been an emphasis on frustrated virgins, some incels have had sex but have since been rejected, been single for a long time, or slept with a sex worker (which in the incel community doesn’t count).”
In my experience, incels who claim to be victims of women rarely reflect on their own behavior. The stalker who harassed me exhibited extreme misogyny, insults, and hatred. He degraded me to the point where I no longer felt human. He gaslit me, brainwashed me, and tried to strip me of my basic rights—rights that everyone should have. He claimed that my rights either didn’t exist or conflicted with his “rights,” which, in his mind, took precedence. But the truth is, these were rights he didn’t have: stalking, forcing sex, and demanding access to a woman are all violations, not rights. This wasn’t a conflict of rights—it was a case of him claiming having rights that didn’t exist, while denying my real rights.
He also harbored a general hatred for women. Any woman who rejected him became the villain in his story. But in reality, his rejection likely stemmed from his rude, socially unacceptable behavior and his disrespect toward women. When an incel claims to be a victim of a woman’s rejection, it’s often a skewed narrative where the woman is cast as the wrongdoer, even though she did nothing wrong.
I believe this attitude is typical of narcissistic men, especially those who are malignant narcissists. Their hatred of women knows no bounds.
Lisa Sugiura explains that “celibate” is not always the correct term:
“Furthermore, the application of the term celibate is also problematic, as already highlighted. Sometimes, it is not the fact that such men are unable to attract women; rather, it is more that it is not the type of women they think they deserve.”
When dealing with a narcissist, we are often dealing with a person who has a ‘superiority complex’. They may think they are superior, better, and more good-looking than others, when in reality they are not. They may therefore believe they are being treated less fairly than other men. This victim attitude is reflected by how incels report that they are not only the victims of women but of society as a whole, where other men, who are indeed more good-looking, do get the women, while they do not.
These men may behave more respectfully or possess better character traits than a particular incel, but an incel would not perceive them that way. When dealing with an incel, we are commonly dealing with a person who generalizes and doesn’t believe a woman has individual rights.
If you see it from a neutral perspective, you may find it easy to acknowledge that a particular woman may find a particular man attractive but may not find another man attractive. Often, it may be as simple as this: the woman may be attractive and may choose to date a man she finds attractive. An attractive man may do the same. I mean, why not? Why would an attractive woman date a man who isn’t attractive to her? Of course, attraction isn’t the only thing that should be considered when dating, but it is often a factor that determines whether we feel drawn to a person or not.
But attraction may not be the only factor at play here. While attraction is often important initially, once in a long-term relationship, it shouldn’t matter much because if there is real attraction, the other person will be attractive to you long term (now, sometimes this can change, but generally, I believe this to be true). A man who is unattractive may not be someone an attractive woman would choose to date, but there may be other reasons beyond attractiveness.
For example, if a man behaves in a way where he sees himself as superior to women, simply because he was born with a penis and two testicles, and sees women as objects or possessions, as something that has no rights and is inferior to him, it’s easy to see why a woman wouldn’t choose to be with such a man. In this case, the woman isn’t at fault—the man is.
In my case, I have also found that the stalker is so fixated on the idea of having me as his “girlfriend” (even though, just to make it clear, his behavior doesn’t suggest that he genuinely wants or is even capable of having a romantic relationship with anyone; it is merely something he imagines he must have but wouldn’t be able to maintain in real life).
Instead of moving on to another person, he will claim that all other women are narcissists and that he doesn’t date narcissistic women. (Isn’t it strange, though, that a malignant narcissist refuses to date narcissistic women? If you’re a narcissist yourself, wouldn’t you be able to date other narcissists?).
In incel communities, according to Lisa Sugiura:
“The notion of men having sex whilst women just submit to it is deeply entrenched. Due to the fact that the majority of incels are indeed men, and to date, there have been no issues or concerns regarding female incels in terms of espousing hatred against others or violent enactments, this work is focused on male incels.”
Lisa Sugiura writes:
“In becoming ‘blackpilled,’ incels accept their lot in life—that they are the zeta males who will never attract the women they want, and so turn their backs on women and societal values regarding relationships and equality, which often manifests as hatred. It is important to note that often frustration is exerted about the type of women incels believe they should be entitled to, which appears contradictory when incels also present themselves as the lowest status of males. It is not necessarily the case that incels are unable to obtain sexual or romantic relationships with women; rather, it is not the women they believe they should be with nor is it on the terms they want to determine. This suggests that choice in partners is something that only men should benefit from, and so when men are affected by past experiences where women have refused their advances, the ‘blackpill’ provides an appealing explanation for their rejections, external to themselves.”
Dr. Raphael Bonelli, an Austrian psychiatrist, talked about female choice regarding men. When a man believes that only male choice exists—a worldview that most incels seem to embrace—he thinks men choose which women they want to be with or have sex with, and that women have no right to say ‘no’ to that choice. However, because we live in a society where women do indeed have rights, women also have a choice, which is referred to as ‘female choice.’ In reality, both male and female choice exist, but in the minds of incels, only male choice does.
In my case, if a man doesn’t like me, I’ll simply move on to the next! In my opinion, there is no lack of attractive men; it is simply a matter of—can I find a man who has the values, character, attitudes, and behavior I look for in a partner?
Female choice means that a woman can choose to be with a man (or she can choose to stay single). When you add male choice—where a man chooses to be with that woman—you create the possibility of a relationship. If you remove female choice from that equation, the likely outcome is that an incel will try to force you to like him, find him attractive, and be in a relationship with him, even if you don’t and won’t. If you refuse, an extreme example of an incel may insist that you must and go to great lengths to take revenge on you if you don’t.
I don’t wish for any woman to experience what I have.
Have you ever encountered an incel?