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China Elevator Stories
How to Set Boundaries and What Boundaries Are Not
Setting boundaries should respect both our own rights and those of others.
15/04/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
You’re not allowed to set a boundary when:
- That boundary violates another person’s freedom.
- That boundary is not an actual boundary, but a command meant to dismiss another person’s rights and preferences.
- The boundary lies outside your sphere of influence and instead attempts to control someone else.
- You’re doing it to manipulate or coerce someone into doing something against their will.
What healthy boundaries sound like:
A healthy boundary is about sharing what we’re willing to tolerate, what we’re okay with, what we aren’t okay with, and what aligns with our rights. A boundary is never about controlling or violating someone else’s rights.
For example, if a man harasses us, we are absolutely allowed to tell him to leave us alone. Harassment, stalking, repeatedly approaching someone who has clearly stated they want to be left alone, and touching without consent are all actions that violate another person’s rights. In this case, we are within our rights to set a boundary.
A boundary may sound like: “I am uncomfortable with the way you’re treating me. Please leave me alone.” If the person doesn’t listen, we might repeat it: “I told you I’m not interested and that I want to be left alone.”
If they still ignore it—as many boundary violators do (narcissists, in particular, are often experts at ignoring boundaries)—we may need to set consequences for their behavior.
When setting a boundary—unless you’re in a very unsafe situation (in which case any action that protects your safety and respects your rights is valid)—the typical approach is to state your boundary clearly. This can be done verbally, but it doesn’t always have to reach that point, since we also communicate through body language. A verbal boundary might sound like, “I don’t want to be harassed, touched, or stared at inappropriately,” which is a valid way to let someone know you’re not interested. Walking away is also acceptable—especially if you won’t see the person again. However, there may be situations where you can’t simply walk away, particularly if the behavior is recurring. With repeat offenders, especially in environments like the workplace, you may need to assert your boundary verbally and consistently.
We don’t say, “You’re not allowed to talk to people.” A healthy boundary sounds more like, “I’m not interested in talking to you. Please stop bothering me.” We’re not prohibiting them from speaking to others—we’re simply expressing that we do not consent to being approached or bothered.
Examples of healthy boundary statements:
- “I am introverted and need time alone. Please respect my right to that.”
- “I enjoy being quiet and being around quiet people. I’ve asked you not to speak to me, and I’d appreciate it if you respected that.”
- “You’re free to talk to someone who’s interested in you. I’m not, so please don’t speak to me.”
- “If you need someone to talk to, please find people who are willing. I’m not interested in listening to you, and I ask you to stop addressing me.”
- “If you’re struggling emotionally, please contact a support hotline or therapist. I’m not your friend or therapist, and I’m not obligated to care for someone unstable. Please stop turning to me for psychological support.”
- “Do not share private issues with me—I am not your therapist.”
- “Feel free to pursue someone else, but I am not interested in you. Please leave me alone.”
- “I’ve told you I want to be left alone. If you need social contact, seek out people who want that. I do not consent to spending time with you.”
If boundaries are still being ignored, you might say: “If you continue violating my boundaries, I will have to [state consequence].” The consequence should match the severity of the violation. Small infractions may warrant small responses, but serious and repeated boundary violations may require stronger consequences.
A rational person will respect a reasonable boundary—often after the first, second, or third statement. An irrational person may repeatedly violate your boundaries, even putting your safety at risk.
Boundaries are about us, not about the other person. They’re essential for mental and emotional health. For introverts, HSPs (highly sensitive persons), and especially empaths, boundaries are vital for survival. While not everyone needs the same level of boundary enforcement, people with these traits may feel a physical or emotional need to retreat from others’ energy, to reduce stress, or to recover from social overwhelm.
Though we are the ones who set boundaries, it is always the other person’s responsibility to respect them. If someone acts like your boundaries are invalid—or constantly ignores, questions, or challenges them—you may be experiencing gaslighting.
People who lack healthy boundaries often try to force others to drop theirs. They may guilt-trip, coerce, or accuse you of selfishness to maintain control and continue abusive dynamics. It’s common to see manipulation like:
- Guilt-tripping you for asserting a boundary
- Coercing you into dropping a boundary
- Throwing tantrums (lasting hours or days)
- Emotionally blackmailing you
- Acting confused or pretending not to understand your boundary
- Forcing you to repeat the same boundary over and over—especially if they are a stalker who refuses to let you cut contact with them
A narcissist trying to dictate your life and infringing on your freedom may also pretend he’s setting boundaries for you. This is usually a severe violation of your rights and may sound like the following:
- “You aren’t allowed to meet up with another man.”
(This could come from a stalking individual you don’t actually know personally—someone who is jealous, wants to be with you, demands your attention, and may even be suffering from erotomania, for example.) - “You aren’t allowed to wear that dress.”
(This is often said without any explanation or justification, and without giving you the option to say no to him making such statements about you or decisions in your life—especially when you are complete strangers and he is simply stalking you, while you are the one being affected by his unwanted intrusion.)
Do you see how this reflects someone not respecting your privacy and wrongly believing they have the right to make decisions that only you are entitled to make. This is the opposite of boundary-setting.
A real boundary, by contrast, might sound like this in a healthy relationship dynamic (or as a simple expression of concern): “If you wear a dress like that, men may find you very attractive, and I’m not a fan of men staring at you.”
However, be cautious—even this kind of statement must happen within a context of mutual respect, and only when the speaker is not infringing on the other person’s rights. You might be okay hearing something like this from a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend, but not from a stranger—especially not from a stalker who is constantly inserting himself into your private life, your space, and your personal decisions.
In that second scenario, a right may have already been violated before the communication even started. For instance, if a woman has repeatedly said she wants to be left alone by a man, then the violation is clear: her right to be free from harassment and stalking has already been ignored.
Always watch for signs of consent when communicating. No one is entitled to talk to just anyone. We don’t get to choose anyone we want and force them into a conversation—we are only allowed to talk to people who consent to talking to us. Just because someone wants to talk to you doesn’t mean they have the right to. We don’t get to demand time or attention from people. Respect and mutual interest are essential. If someone is abusive, rude, or overwhelming, they shouldn’t expect connection or conversation.
People I choose to talk to are respectful, trustworthy, socially and emotionally aware, and maintain appropriate distance—especially if there’s no romantic interest.
One of the stalkers I have misinterprets nearly everything I say—usually in a way that flips the meaning to imply the opposite of what I was actually saying. For example, if I talk to a man during the day, he interprets it as: “She wants to talk to men, so she must want to talk to me.” He doesn’t recognize the subtle distinctions that are essential for a functioning society—things like context, consent, and personal preferences. In his mind, when I speak to one man, I have to speak to all men, including him. He assumes that if I talk to other men, it must mean I’m open to talking to him too. There’s no regard for my individual choices or the fact that I am selective with whom I engage.
When I express openness to dating a particular man, he distorts it as: “She is open to dating, therefore she must want to date me.” He ignores personal preferences and replaces them with entitlement—believing that because I am open to dating a man, I must automatically be open to dating him, since he is a man. It’s as if my boundaries, preferences, and agency don’t exist.
This kind of thinking creates completely distorted “boundaries” for me—boundaries that serve him, not me. In such a scenario, all of my healthy, legitimate boundaries are violated just so he can get his needs met. These aren’t even real needs—they are coercive attempts to obtain something he has no right to, by using force, pressure, intimidation, harassment, or stalking.
He tries to overrule my autonomy and twist reality to suit his desires, forcing me to accommodate him even when I’ve clearly expressed that I do not consent. This is not just inappropriate—it’s a deliberate violation of my freedom and my right to make decisions about who I engage with. And it highlights how coercion, stalking, and manipulation are the opposite of boundary-respecting behavior.
Have you ever dealt with a person who ignores your boundaries?