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China Elevator Stories
How to prepare for a divorce from a narcissistic Chinese husband
These are my recommendations for divorcing a narcissistic spouse.
27/12/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Pray, pray, pray:
If you are religious, do that. If not, send out wishes to the universe and ask for protection, or pray to the Chinese Kitchen God and ask for help with your divorce. I don’t know if he’ll accept offerings from a foreigner, but you may as well try (and try to offer more than your Chinese husband did, so he’ll be working in your favor, not your husband’s)!
Research divorce laws in your country:
Understanding the legal framework is essential to navigating the process.
Get a lawyer:
If you can’t afford one, seek a pro bono lawyer if available in your country. If not, consult someone knowledgeable about narcissism and how narcissists behave during divorces. Narcissists often lie in court, and be prepared that your ex may say the most shocking things about you in court.
In my case, my Chinese ex-husband told the judge that I had abandoned my children, cut off all contact, and had no intention of ever seeing them again. Despite his lack of evidence to support these claims, my lawyers initially believed him. It took a great deal of internal strength to prove the truth and demonstrate that his accusations were false. I was not only confronted with his lies but also with those of his former lawyer—a former friend of mine—who made false claims about me, which only made things worse, as judges tend to believe lawyers more readily.
By the end of the divorce proceedings, I got a new lawyer who was terrific! His wife had cut off contact between him and his son for many years, so he understood exactly what I was going through.
It is essential that your lawyer believes you and is genuinely on your side. From my experience, lawyers can sometimes switch sides, so it’s important to be prepared for that possibility.
Be prepared for bias:
Judges and lawyers may believe everything he says and dismiss your truthful statements. Prepare as much evidence as possible to prove your case.
Translate messages and emails if necessary:
If your communication has been in another language (e.g., Chinese), translate all relevant messages for your lawyer. If your lawyer is too busy to review everything, select the most critical pieces of evidence yourself before translation.
Understand the system:
Court systems are often structured in ways that unintentionally protect abusers. Be mentally prepared for the worst possible outcomes.
Document everything:
Save every conversation and gather evidence of any abuse before the divorce process begins.
Educate yourself:
Watch online resources (e.g., YouTube channels like My Modern Law or Rebecca Zung) that specialize in family law, contentious divorces, and handling narcissists in court.
Additional Advice:
Don’t trust overly optimistic advice:
Some people may tell you that their divorce was easy or that you don’t need to worry. An amicable divorce is not always possible with a malignant narcissist, and divorcing a malignant narcissist is an entirely different challenge. Prepare for the worst to avoid being shocked when difficult situations arise during the divorce process.
Be vigilant about privacy:
Many narcissists engage in stalking or spying. My ex-husband, for example, used friends and family to gather private information about me. He also used spyware to read my emails and messages, and he always knew what I was doing. Be aware that your ex may be doing the same, even if he doesn’t show it.
Have you successfully won a divorce against a narcissist?