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China Elevator Stories
China's 30-Day Divorce Cooling-Off Period
China introduced a 30-day-divorce cooling-off period in 2021.
22/12/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
As an Austrian woman who was once married to a Chinese man (in what is commonly called an AMWF relationship, a relationship between an Asian Male and a Western Female), I am watching this process with interest.
China wanted to make it easier to marry because the percentage of people getting married has declined in recent years. The country encourages marriage and discourages divorce partly due to a higher divorce rate and lower birthrates, which it aims to counteract with this initiative (as reported by the South China Morning Post).
In China, couples usually need to be married for a child to be registered on a hukou. It is not allowed for an unmarried woman to give birth and legally register her child, as this process typically requires marriage. This is one reason why some Chinese couples marry, even after a one-night stand, without truly knowing each other, to ensure the child can be registered legally. In such cases, some women marry the child’s father, while others, who do not want to have an abortion, marry another man willing to raise the child with them.
Although I divorced my Chinese ex-husband, who lives in China, in Austria, my experience highlights that Austrian judges also discourage divorce as much as possible. When a divorce cannot be avoided, they encourage an amicable resolution—a challenging expectation if one party is a narcissist or psychopath. Although both my ex-husband and I wanted the divorce, he initiated the proceedings in Austria because he had my address while I didn’t have his. Austrian authorities and the Chinese embassy couldn’t forward his address to me due to Chinese privacy laws that prohibit sharing addresses, even in cases involving spousal disputes or child abduction.
I still don’t know his and our children’s current address. This lack of access prevented me from starting the divorce proceedings, but he could initiate them after Austria’s three-year waiting period for contentious divorces. He was required to provide an address in China but used his parents’ address instead of his own.
Austria’s strict divorce laws can prolong abusive situations. Imagine needing to wait three years to leave an abusive marriage! During this period, an abuser can continue to inflict harm, especially if sufficient protections are not in place. Even post-divorce, an abusive ex-spouse can manipulate or use children as leverage.
In my opinion, in China, stricter marriage laws—making it harder to marry, not easier—could help counteract abusive relationships. While I support individual freedom to marry one’s partner, from a practical standpoint, stricter laws could deter rushed or forced marriages. Parents forcing partners on their children are a frequent occurrence in China, and these kinds of marriages make up a huge percentage of Chinese marriages. Discouraging this practice could improve marriage outcomes. Similarly, couples who marry too quickly after meeting might regret their decision later.
Although I had a shanhun (lightning wedding) myself, my marriage worked reasonably well until my ex-husband stopped participating in the relationship. His abusive behavior intensified during my pregnancy with our first son, and wasn’t as frequent before I became pregnant. While abusive episodes occurred before the two-year mark, they were not as severe as the episodes I experienced during my pregnancy, particularly in the third trimester, when the real abuse began.
Many Chinese regret marrying due to external pressures, such as societal expectations or parental insistence, rather than taking time to truly know their partner. This regret is especially common among Chinese women, as I’ve learned through conversations.
While I believe divorce shouldn’t be rushed, most marriages are beyond repair by the time it is considered. The right to escape an abusive partner or end an unworkable relationship should be easily accessible. In China, the law allows for immediate divorce in cases of domestic violence. However, one issue is that Chinese parents sometimes pressure their daughters to remain in abusive marriages—staying with unfaithful, abusive, or addicted spouses to ‘save face’ or conform to societal expectations. These women often sacrifice their freedoms and rights in order to be perceived as good daughters or daughters-in-law. Additionally, in cases of divorce due to domestic violence, a common challenge is that the victim may have experienced abuse but cannot provide sufficient evidence, making it difficult to use domestic violence as grounds for divorce.
In my own divorce, I experienced abuse but lacked sufficient evidence to prove it. I also encountered judges who viewed domestic violence as a minor issue, often dismissing it as something that didn’t truly exist. They suggested that most women falsely claimed abuse by their partners, despite the fact that, as I know, domestic abuse is a widespread and serious problem. These were Austrian judges, but if Chinese judges hold similar views, Chinese women may face similar challenges to those I encountered.
For couples with children who are not in an abusive marriage, divorce should be a last resort if the relationship can be repaired. However, in most cases, couples recognize when reconciliation is impossible. Making divorce more difficult may not significantly reduce divorce rates in the long term but could instead prolong the process, causing unnecessary delays.
China’s proposed 30-day cooling-off period isn’t as harsh as Austria’s three-year waiting period after separation in the case of a contentious divorce. However, during this time, Chinese parents or in-laws might pressure one spouse to withdraw their divorce application. While this could be reasonable in some cases, it is often harmful in the long run. For example, a daughter-in-law in an abusive situation might later regret the decision to stay. Additionally, given the variety of experiences people face, a daughter-in-law could also be abused by her mother-in-law, and each situation is unique.
If you’ve divorced and later regretted it, I’d love to hear your perspective. Based on my experience, most people don’t regret their divorce, having already exhausted efforts to save the marriage. By the time divorce is pursued, many relationships are beyond repair, and delaying the process only prolongs suffering.
In my view, the real issue isn’t divorce, but rushed or coerced marriages. Marrying the wrong partner due to societal or parental pressure often leads to problems down the road.
What do you think of this initiative?