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“Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them, How to Stop Them” (by Bill Eddy)
Bill Eddy explains how to deal with adult bullies in this book.
18/10/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
In these past few years of dealing with a stalker, I haven’t only faced stalking but also endured extreme bullying for several years.
Imagine constantly being told how rude, egotistical, dumb, and ugly you are. Imagine being criticized as an inadequate woman, especially compared to others. You’re always the one who’s worse, never good enough, always wrong, and never looking right.
Now, imagine that same bully trying to force you to pretend you like him, love him, appreciate him, and want him in your life, to take care of him.
Isn’t that an incredibly insane and deranged person?
In his book Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them – How to Stop Them, Bill Eddy explains how bullying used to be a rare occurrence:
“Bullies used to be kept on the fringes of society. As a result, they only bothered a small percentage of unlucky people. But in recent years, because of many changes in technology, media, politics, and culture, bullies have been launched to the forefront of our society. Today, they are far more prevalent, more powerful, more persuasive, and more dangerous than they were even a decade ago. Now, everyone is likely to have a bully in their life sooner or later – including you. Are you prepared to spot them and stop them?”
Bill Eddy has studied bullying as a therapist, lawyer, mediator, and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute.
He writes:
“As we teach our clients – and as you’ll learn in this book – much of what works with bullies is counterintuitive. Most of what we naturally think will work only makes our situations worse. Some of what we need to do with bullies is the exact opposite of what we naturally do with reasonable, caring adults. A fundamental theme of this book is that with bullies, the issue is not the issue – the personality is the issue driving the intensity of the conflict.”
I’ve come to realize this is exactly the case with the stalker I’m dealing with.
The book
“explains ten hidden primitive emotional powers (PEP) of bullies that poison our minds, bodies, and communities – without us even realizing it. (…) Foundational to a bully’s aggressive character is the power of an unrestrained personality and lack of self-restraint, which gives bullies more power to overwhelm everyone around them. They use the power of primitive emotions to persuade, intimidate, intrude, dominate, and sometimes destroy people. PEP allows bullies to blatantly use deception and the power of surprise attacks in plain sight.”
If you’ve ever dealt with a bully, you may have noticed that they often position themselves as the superior victim – the one who has been wronged. But with bullies, the reality is usually the opposite. They are the perpetrators, not the victims, though they often portray themselves as having been wronged by others, including you.
According to Bill Eddy:
“Bullies desire – and create – win-lose relationships. They don’t just want to be on top, to be superior, or to be in charge. They also want you to lose. Bullies want to get inside your head, manipulate you, make you doubt yourself, and believe in them. Some may even enjoy hurting you. Mostly, they seek power and control over you. Their goal is to overpower you – and if they can’t, they may try to ruin or destroy you. (…)
But winning is never enough for bullies. For an adult bully, someone else has to lose, and lose big, for the bully to feel satisfied. Sometimes, this even includes violence. Bullies keep pushing until they get what they want, or until they are stopped by someone or something. By adulthood, this behavior is deeply ingrained. When most people argue or debate, they aim to solve a problem or reach a resolution. That’s not the case with bullies. The surface issue is irrelevant to them. While most people aim to resolve conflicts and maintain harmony, a bully’s goal is to gain power and control. (…)
Let’s consider what happens if you don’t recognize that bullies are driven by this aggressive need and will stop at nothing to get what they want – even if it’s just to have power over someone else.”
I’ve been in a power struggle with the sociopathic stalker I’ve been dealing with for years. This struggle usually revolves around things that are mine—relationships, rights, or belongings—which he refuses to accept as mine. Instead, he claims they are his. My blog, my videos, my career, my projects, my illustrations, my social security number, my accounts, my money, my clothes—anything that is clearly mine, and not his, becomes something he fights over. He insists he has a right to have an opinion about it, to enmesh with me, to take it, control it, or dictate what should be done. The obstacles he has created (hidden, because he lacks the courage to face people directly) have made it impossible for me to make progress in my life. I still don’t understand how someone can focus so much on another person’s life, relationships, and career. Doesn’t that suggest his own life lacks meaning and purpose?
In his mind, I need to share everything with him, including my own children. He sees nothing wrong with this view and behavior, and still blames me for setting boundaries.
A mature person usually knows what belongs to them and what doesn’t. They understand their rights and don’t infringe on others by logging into your accounts and changing information so that you can’t even get a prescription for your iron supplements because he sabotaged the information and your insurance shows as not active.
Typically, the solution for dealing with a bully who won’t stop is to create distance between the bully and their victim. If your child is being bullied at school, you’d ask to have them transferred to another class, or, if the bullying is extreme, change schools. I had a bully during my teen years, and the bullying only stopped when I switched schools. I endured four years of daily bullying from her, which has given me enough insight to know that bullying doesn’t stop if you remain within the bully’s reach. In some situations, it’s not possible to avoid being near your bully, and there may be little you can do about it.
The same applies to stalkers. If a stalker is also a bully, the situation can be even worse if you can’t create enough distance. Some stalkers, as seen in documentaries, go to great lengths to access their victims. Extreme bullies often don’t want their victim to leave because they need someone to bully to feel better about themselves.
One piece of advice Bill Eddy offers is to pull the plug on the bully:
“Bullies count on your cooperation with their terrible treatment of others – or of you.”
When you stand up to their disrespectful behavior, they may go to great lengths to punish you. I tend to confront bullies and tell them their behavior is not right, and as a result, I’ve been taken to court by more than one of them!
This isn’t fun, especially when it adds up.
But it’s still crucial to let bullies know that their behavior is unacceptable and that you won’t tolerate it.
Have you ever dealt with a bully?