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China Elevator Stories
Signs Your Chinese Husband Is Stalking You
Stalking is common in AMWF relationships.
15/01/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
I am not the only Western woman who was married to a Chinese man and has been stalked by her husband. If you’re in an AMWF relationship, know that stalking can be common with certain Chinese men. Why is that so? I believe it is because it may be more culturally accepted and because society’s attitude towards stalking might view the woman as the man’s possession or see stalking as a sign of love.
Historically speaking, stalking family members, friends, neighbors, or others was a normal part of daily Chinese life, and some Chinese mothers-in-law may well have been suited to be part of a neighborhood committee spying on their neighbors. My former Chinese mother-in-law is certainly a very talented spy—one who should not be underestimated!
I didn’t realize my ex-husband was a stalker when I first met him. Many stalkers hide their behavior, acting covertly and in ways that are not immediately obvious. Once we moved to his parents’ hometown, and our relationship was on the brink of ending, he started involving people around me to monitor my activities.
By that time, he didn’t spend much time with me directly but would ask others to report on my whereabouts, what I was doing, who I was talking to, and where I was going (usually with my kids, as I was taking care of them).
One person he asked to spy on me was a male friend who worked at the university. This friend would usually leave his office to talk to me whenever I walked by with one or both of my sons, or when I went to a nearby market alone. He would ask where I was going, what I was up to, and who I was planning to meet. Over time, it became obvious that these encounters were not coincidental.
Another sign my ex-husband was stalking me during our marriage was that he would appear out of nowhere at places I happened to be. Once, while I was talking to a woman my age at the basketball court on campus, he suddenly drove up, parked his car, and approached us. He asked who the woman was and what we were talking about, then later told me not to talk to her again. This happened repeatedly. Whenever I made friends, he would either tell me or them that the friendship was inappropriate. He actively worked to isolate me from others.
His possessiveness started early in our relationship. We spent a lot of time together, which can be normal for couples in love. However, in hindsight, at times he could also be very controlling.
He also installed spyware on my computer and phone without my knowledge. I discovered this years later when he logged into my VPN, changed the password, and began tracking my location in real time. He had previously mentioned installing spyware on his father’s phone to monitor his activities, so I realized he was likely doing the same to me. Spyware allows someone to read emails, listen to calls, and even activate cameras and microphones.
In addition to using other people to spy on me, my ex-husband also involved his parents. His mother would often show up wherever I was, even though I hadn’t told her my location. I suspect she may have had access to my position, but I’m not certain. Regardless, her frequent appearances added to the feeling of being constantly watched.
His stalking became even more extreme after I moved to Austria. I have written about the stalking I experienced in this post.
Signs that a person may be stalking you include:
Controlling behavior: Wanting to know where you are all the time, whom you meet, what you are talking about, or insisting on accompanying you to any meetup. This can include not allowing you to meet friends alone but forcing you to bring him along. While spending time together as a couple is normal, refusing to let you meet friends alone may point to stalking.
Trying to access private conversations: Wanting to know everything about your relationships and conversations may seem normal at first, but it can become stalking behavior if it becomes obsessive and boundaries aren’t respected. Everyone is entitled to privacy, even within a relationship.
Not allowing you to meet others: A stalker might isolate you by preventing you from meeting others. While not allowing you to meet people isn’t always stalking, turning up uninvited wherever you are is. A stalker may manipulate you or your friends to stop you from meeting others, leaving you isolated.
- Using others to spy on you: This was a common tactic my ex-husband used. He befriended some of my students and asked them to spy on me. They would send him pictures of me outside, report where I was, and share what I was doing. After I moved to Austria in 2019, he even hired people to follow me.
Installing surveillance cameras: Surveillance cameras are common in China, and some people use them at home for safety. However, they can also be misused. One Western woman reported that her Chinese husband installed a camera in her car, which not only recorded the outside but also filmed her and recorded conversations inside the car.
- Installing stalkerware or spyware on your devices: Most stalkers won’t inform you if they’ve installed stalkerware or spyware on your devices. However, there are clues that may indicate its presence, such as your devices suddenly running significantly slower or your accounts being hacked. The other person might reveal they are reading your emails or messages by disclosing private information about you that you never shared with them. In the past, stalkerware typically required in-person installation. Today, however, stalkers can install such software remotely without needing physical access to your devices. For example, my ex-husband demonstrated just yesterday that he is reading my messages and emails, even though we haven’t met in person since I left China. Additionally, I am not using the same computer or phone I used back in 2019. No common friends have had access to my devices in recent years. In my case, stalkers have hacked into my accounts, changed passwords, reduced YouTube view counts, locked me out of Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, deleted followers from my social media accounts, installed apps on my phone remotely, and even removed emails—both from my account and from the accounts of people I had emailed. While not all these actions were caused by my ex-husband, some were. He inadvertently revealed that he had installed stalkerware on my computer by discouraging me from performing updates, mentioning the existence of stalkerware years before it became widely known, and describing how he had installed similar software on his father’s phone. Although he didn’t explicitly call it “stalkerware,” he detailed its functionality.
A warning about stalking and femicides
Most women who are victims of femicide had been stalked by the perpetrator or someone instigating the murder in the year before their death. If you have experienced both stalking and death threats, your life may be at risk. Protect yourself as much as you can, and don’t hesitate to seek help. Make sure you turn to people who understand the seriousness of the situation and know how to respond.
Have you ever experienced being stalked by a Chinese spouse?