articles
China Elevator Stories
Do Chinese Mothers-in-Law Accept Mixed Children?
Many Chinese mothers-in-law wish for a fully Chinese grandchild.
15/01/2025

Ruth Silbermayr
Author

Was “race” ever an issue in my former Chinese mother-in-law’s relationship with my grandchildren (who are Austrian-Chinese, or mixed, referred to as “混血” in Chinese)?
To answer this, we need to consider how my Chinese mother-in-law expressed herself. She often kept her opinions to herself, so it was difficult to discern her true feelings about any situation.
In the early stages of our relationship, her disapproval of me and my culture was occasionally apparent. However, it wasn’t until I gave birth to two mixed children that her true thoughts about fully Chinese versus mixed children became clear.
Overall, she saw her grandchildren as “hers,” viewing them as her possession regardless of their “race.” But was she fully accepting of their mixed heritage? Absolutely not. She consistently tried to mold them into being “more Chinese” (“fully Chinese” is probably the better phrase to describe what was happening).

For example, she would proudly show off her grandchildren to outsiders, whether at the market or elsewhere, yet simultaneously worked to erase their Austrian heritage. She tried to make them look and act fully Chinese, taught them her local dialect instead of Mandarin, and encouraged them to deny their Austrian culture and German mother tongue.
While I am not against learning a local dialect, I believe that for mixed children with dual cultural backgrounds, learning Mandarin is still practical (it can complement learning the local dialect). Mandarin is a lingua franca within China and is valuable for future opportunities, whether for work or relocation. My ex-husband speaks beautiful Mandarin, but my children do not. They used to speak Mandarin Chinese in the past when I was still with them, and I could understand them when they spoke Chinese. Now, however, they speak an entirely unintelligible Northeastern Chinese dialect. They have adopted my former mother-in-law’s dialect, which has made communication between us more complicated. My former father-in-law was somewhat easier for me to understand, but my former mother-in-law’s dialect is truly unintelligible. She cannot translate the Northeastern dialect into Mandarin, creating a significant barrier to fluent communication.
It is not just that her dialect sounds a bit different—the words used are completely different. For example, the Mandarin Chinese word “聊天” becomes “唠嗑” in her Northeastern Chinese dialect, “脏” becomes “埋汰”, and “喜欢” becomes “稀罕”. This pattern continues with many other words, making the dialect even harder to understand.
I used to teach my children German from birth, but my former in-laws and ex-husband have severed contact with me, cutting off their ability to communicate in German. This deliberate separation and suppression of their other culture and language have erased their connection to their Austrian heritage and mother tongue.
I’ve written in another article about the “Sinicization” my children have endured. It pains me that their other culture has been suppressed. Many Chinese people are not very open to foreign cultures, and teaching children that one culture (Chinese culture) is superior, as happened with my children, is something I deeply oppose.
Learning about Austrian culture and customs was discouraged by the Chinese side of the family. During one of my video calls with my children in 2024, my younger son reluctantly asked me to explain who ‘Nikolaus’ was and what is celebrated on St. Nicolas’ Day (observed on December 6th). I had sent them Nikolaus bags filled with nuts and sweets. To me, his reluctance suggested that he was interested in the festivities but had been discouraged from inquiring about Austrian traditions. My former husband had prohibited me from reading books and tried to stop me from acquiring knowledge and further educating myself during my time in Siping, and I assume my children have faced similar discouragement. When I left for Europe in 2019, I left all their German children’s books with them, including ones about St. Nicolas’ Day, Christmas, and other Western celebrations.
My former Chinese mother-in-law often tried to prevent us from celebrating Austrian festivals. For the festivals she did allow us to celebrate, she insisted on being the center of attention, effectively excluding me from participating, even with my own children. Cultural appropriation was a frequent issue. For instance, when I wanted to celebrate Christmas in the traditional Austrian way with my children, it soon became about her forcing us to host it at her place, rather than us celebrating it at mine (if I said no, she would retaliate in various ways). Inviting them over often ended up ruining the celebration, as they sought to prevent me from celebrating in the proper Austrian manner.
Not every Chinese mother-in-law may exhibit such disrespect toward another culture and mother tongue; however, in my experience, this kind of behavior toward foreign cultures and languages is not uncommon.
One person on Quora called “Assistant” writes, with regards to the question “Would a Chinese mother be accepting of a British daughter-in-law?”:
“Traditional Chinese culture places a strong emphasis on family, lineage, and cultural heritage. Some Chinese parents may prefer their children to marry within their ethnic group to maintain cultural traditions.”
Have you experienced difficulties with a Chinese mother-in-law who was not fully accepting of mixed grandchildren?