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China Elevator Stories
When the Narrative Is Stolen from the Victim
A victim who tells her story truthfully is powerful, but often, others steal her story and share it inaccurately.
03/05/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Victims are the ones who truly know what happened to them. The moment they share their story, it often gets changed by others. In my experience, most people don’t handle it well when someone tells the raw truth about what they’ve been through.
I recently met a German man whose ex-girlfriend was raped. In his words, when she tried to report it to the police, she didn’t receive the help she needed. This man believed what happened to her was horrific, and I completely understand what she’s going through—I’ve experienced something similar myself.
Often, a victim’s story gets twisted by people who refuse to let victims speak their truth honestly.
Some people simply have a problem with the truth. They live in denial and believe that the only acceptable stories to share are those about how wonderful the world is, how everyone is kind and non-abusive, and how everything is butterflies, sunshine, and rainbows. In their minds, we all live in fairy tale country, and if you speak out against abusers, you’re seen as cruel and unkind—the bad, evil one—just for telling the truth.
Sometimes others feel the victim is receiving too much attention when she shares her story—especially narcissists, who crave the spotlight and become jealous, even if the victim never intended to draw attention to herself. Some people may minimize her experience either out of envy or because they simply cannot grasp how evil people can be.
If you haven’t lived through what the victim has, please don’t retell her story behind her back—especially not if you’re misrepresenting what she said. If someone wants to understand how she feels, they should ask her directly. Misrepresenting her story, violating her privacy, or resharing traumatizing events in a harmful way only weakens her and retraumatizes her. I believe many victims simply want to be left alone and not be forced to talk about their experience.
Often, the victim’s own words might sound like this:
“I used to be married to a horrifically abusive man who threatened me constantly. He was bipolar, aggressive, and said he would kill me. I couldn’t leave because he threatened to murder me or never let me see my children again. After we separated, he had people follow me, and he even tried to have me killed.”
But when others retell the story behind her back, it might be warped into something like this:
“She’s paranoid and thinks her kind, loving ex-husband, who’s also a good father, is doing evil things to her. She’s just making it up! I know him personally—he’s generous and harmless. That fire in her compound? Probably just a coincidence.”
Whoa.
You might not even realize that people are spreading false stories about you. They may cut you off or push you out of the family because of what happened to you, leaving you to navigate life alone. Often, it’s over petty reasons—like jealousy. They might claim you were the one who ghosted them, even after they betrayed your trust by sharing your private experiences, despite your explicit pleas for confidentiality—or after they failed to contact you for a year. The aftermath of being victimized often includes others trying to ruin your life and reputation. It can get so bad that you start to wonder if everyone has lost their minds.
If this has happened to you, please know—you are not alone. Many victims experience this. Unfortunately, empathy for true victims is rare. It’s as if the abuser isn’t seen as the evil one—you are, just for speaking up. They’ll accuse you of lying, of making things up. But if they ever experienced even a fraction of what you went through, they wouldn’t find it so funny. Because they weren’t affected, they lack empathy and believe you deserve the mistreatment.
Have you ever realized that people shared your story behind your back, but misrepresented it?