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China Elevator Stories
Beware of Toxic In-Laws: In China and Abroad
Many Western women who have married Chinese men have come to realize that they are dealing with toxic in-laws.
28/12/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
If your marriage was destroyed by your ex-husband, as well as by your former mother-in-law, you probably know what a toxic in-law is.
Toxic in-laws are a common occurrence worldwide, and China is no exception. I have heard many shocking stories from other Western women married to Chinese men about the treatment they received from their Chinese mothers-in-law, as well as from Chinese women dealing with toxic in-laws.
People often say it takes two to fight, but I disagree. Some people thrive on conflict and will provoke a fight with anyone who crosses their path. The same goes for a marriage—it only takes one person to ruin it.
Susan Forward, who is known for her insightful advice, describes several types of toxic in-laws in her book Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage (a book highly recommended if you are dealing with toxic in-laws or any other toxic person):
- The critics
- The engulfers
- The controllers
- The masters of chaos
- The rejectors
My former mother-in-law embodied nearly all these traits: she was a critic, engulfer, controller, master of chaos, and rejector. But her most defining role was as a rejector. She actively worked to destroy my marriage and took my children away from me—not just to hurt me, but also as a form of cruelty toward her own grandchildren.
She has managed to turn my ex-husband against me when we were still married, and now, my children too. This is still ongoing.
My children have been told to tell me that they don’t want any contact with me. Any reasonable person would see through this manipulation by a grandparent, at least, if they are familiar with parental alienation (or grandparental alienation, as I have come to call it when a grandparent alienates a child from their parent).
My former mother-in-law’s criticism used to be overwhelming. When I lived in China, she criticized everything about me—how I looked, the clothes I wore, how I spent time with my husband, how I parented my kids, how I dressed them, the food I was eating, the food my children were eating, the bedsheets we used, the festivals we celebrated. Whatever I did was always wrong in her eyes, while she was never wrong.
She was also a controller. When a mother-in-law dictates something as trivial as your facial expression or how much you spend on small items, you’re dealing with a controller.
The masters of chaos are in-laws who are chaotic and create turmoil in your life where there was none. They may do this by disrupting the rules and boundaries you set for your family. My children, whom I had taught to follow healthy rules, were shown by their grandparents that there were no rules at all. Healthy rules and boundaries are essential for children, but the masters of chaos completely ignore them. They also disregard custody agreements, deciding for themselves when and how often to call. What should have been two weekly video calls an hour each quickly dwindled to once a week for 15 minutes, then every two weeks, and finally to no contact at all.
Her thoughts may have sounded like: “Finally, I got rid of the mother of my grandchildren. Now I have only my husband, my son and my grandchildren in my life. I won—I am the master of the universe! These children don’t need their mother; they only need their grandmother and their patrilineal family line. I will never allow my grandchildren to have their mother back in their lives!” Though she would never say this aloud, it was clear in her actions.
“Congratulations, granny, you did a great job of showing what a loving person you really are! Should I also thank you for taking away my children and raising them instead of me? Anything else I should feel grateful for?” is my response to someone who behaves this way.
She was also an engulfer. Engulfers may engulf you, or they may engulf other people such as your husband or children. They may refuse to let anyone else spend time with their grandchildren and not allow their children to live their own lives.
Although her behavior fits all these descriptions, in her case, the primary one is still that of the rejector.
Susan Forward’s book offers practical advice on handling toxic in-laws, but for me, it was invaluable in helping me recognize what was really happening.
My ex-husband began distancing himself from the situation early on, leaving me to deal with his mother alone while I was pregnant with our second son. In a healthy marriage, this never should have happened. He claimed he wasn’t involved, but Susan Forward’s book helped me see that he had taken his mother’s side. He chose loyalty to her over the health of our marriage.
There were other serious problems in our relationship, but once I understood this dynamic, I could see his role more clearly. Many of the clients Susan Forward worked with experienced similar issues. Though we are often taught to respect our elders, Susan Forward writes that our in-laws are required to treat us with courtesy and respect.
I enjoyed reading this book, since Susan Forward gives invaluable advice. It teaches you about your rights as a spouse and daugther-in-law—which is especially useful if you’re dealing with overbearing in-laws that could be destroying your marriage. You can also use it to determine if your in-laws are toxic.
I wouldn’t wish the experience of having a mother-in-law who plots to take away your children on anyone. There’s little you can do when you’re one against many. But knowledge is power, and if you suspect that your husband or in-laws may be plotting to take your children from you, don’t ignore the signs. People are capable of such cruelties, and your husband’s family may be no exception.
In December 2019, the universe reminded me of this truth. While I sat in my bedroom in Austria, my Chinese husband sent me a message on WeChat, informing me that he would send our children to school in China and that I had no power to stop it. He vowed that I would never see them again.
That was the day I knew I would divorce him.
Many years later, I’m still separated from my children. His and his mother’s plan has succeeded in every way. Yet, I am still alive, and so are my children, and for that, I am thankful.
Have you experienced toxic in-laws?