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China Elevator Stories
How to Talk to an Ex Who Is Harassing You
It is not always possible to cut contact with an ex, but there are ways to set boundaries with them.
21/11/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
In my case, he even wanted to murder me—well, probably still does. At least the stalking has not decreased; it has only increased (particularly after I posted this article, or at least that’s the reason I believe his stalking behavior has intensified).
Do I have a right not to be forced into asymmetrical communication* simply because he is the father of my kids? Yes. Does he have the right to stalk me and harass me through communication simply because he is the father of my kids? No.
(*Asymmetrical communication refers to a type of interaction where the balance of power, respect, or participation is unequal. One person dominates, controls, or dictates the conversation, while the other person is expected to stay passive, compliant, or silent. In other words: one person gets to speak, decide, judge, or define reality, while the other person is not given equal space, rights, or respect.)
But in the mind of this particular person, he gets to decide and control everything, and I am supposed to jump to his every wish—making sure I pretend I have no self and that I am assimilating into Chinese society (“having to blend into the collective, putting my individuality aside”). Not that he isn’t selfish, inconsiderate, and blocking other people, but when I do it because others have harassed me, apparently I have no right to.
I would have deleted him long ago if it were possible, so I wouldn’t have to suffer his constant abuse. But in a situation where you still have to send your children back to his place (usually his father’s place, though the one picking them up is him, before bringing them to his dad’s), it isn’t possible.
When he sends his verbal abuse, claiming he “simply wants to talk about parenting issues,” this is what I tell him:
“I don’t have time to read your messages.”
When he responds with:
“Okay, so read them when you have time.”
I reply with:
“I have too many other things to do, so even when I have time, I won’t have time to read YOUR messages.
I only accept communication about the times for picking up and bringing back our children.”
Not that he respects these boundaries, but I have stated them and fulfilled my part of the responsibility—which is setting boundaries, not respecting them. Respecting my boundaries is the other person’s responsibility. Do or do not—but I have set my boundaries and I am not to blame for his violations.
Communication boundaries are important with such people, but they don’t truly resolve the issue if that person is schizophrenic and obsessed with having to have contact with you or with the belief that you are their possession.
Stalkers can be relentless, never allowing you to be free from their intrusion, constantly contacting you (even when you have clearly shown and voiced that you’re not interested). And when there are regulations requiring you to “talk about your children’s future,” he’ll use that as an excuse to constantly harass you with some insane talk about you or your children and their future, and what he, in his distorted mind, is planning for them (without asking you if you are also okay with that). One such example was telling me he was going to send our younger son to a boarding school in Beijing at four years old so he could learn professional Beijing opera singing—and that I wouldn’t be able to see him.
When a person intimidates, threatens, verbally abuses, talks down to you, commands you around, and doesn’t respect your “no,” your need for breaks, your distance, or simply the fact that you don’t share his opinion (since a narcissist may try to coerce you into changing your opinion and punish you horrifically if you don’t), then certainly I don’t have to talk to him.
Are schools and other institutions okay with that? Most people probably think you’re overreacting. I have been shamed by all and sundry for removing toxic and abusive people from my life. Oh well—what do these people know! They live in la-la-land, from what I can gather, where no narcissist has ever crossed their path and people are all sunshine and rainbows. Only those who have listened to narcissistic verbal abuse for years and had their boundaries violated to the extent I have will understand the need to set such boundaries with disrespectful people who talk down to you and pretend you have no rights.
It used to be much harder for random people to get access to your life. When I was a child, only landlines existed, and people didn’t tend to use them excessively—or at least that’s not how I remember it. But now everyone constantly wants access to you and your life, and they expect you to be available at all times and answer any message they send within two seconds. If you don’t, don’t plan to, or don’t want to answer them, but can’t delete them (because you have children together), they may become threatening, intimidate you, degrade you, verbally abuse you, or otherwise cause stress by demanding that you respond to their every whim—or by sending about half a million people after you to contact you on their behalf. I have met more than one person who believed they were utterly significant to me and my life, and who would not allow me to tell them that they meant nothing to me and were never supposed to be in my life in the first place, steering it in the wrong direction. And now I have to live my life with stalkers pretending to be me, claiming to know me, and projecting all kinds of things onto me. They are also super‑hyper‑over‑controllers who want to control even the direction in which the air flows into your lungs—or, in their flawed logic, how it is supposed to flow. In their minds, air doesn’t enter your lungs automatically through your nose; it only does so when they manage the airflow and your position in relation to it.
Do I have the right to stay Austrian in China? Yes! I know many Chinese women who do whatever they want and aren’t shamed for “not being Chinese enough,” yet I have to listen to him shaming me for not being Chinese enough all the time. Why should I become Chinese? I am not. If he wanted a Chinese woman, he should have married one in the first place. If he wanted fully Chinese kids, he should not have impregnated an Austrian woman, only to then shame her and his children for having Austrian roots instead of being “fully Chinese.” He has already completely destroyed our children’s connection to the Austrian language and culture, and he couldn’t have turned them more against me and their second culture if he tried.
I also know many people who believe they have the right to peace and quiet—to not constantly be around someone who screams at them, degrades them, commands them around, or treats them like a slave born to tend to others’ needs. These same people think they have the right not to respond immediately to every message they receive. Yet they will shame me for believing I have the same rights.
I once heard a German man say that all of Europe is a psychiatry, and I must agree (though my ex-husband is not German or European, I have not met enough sane people in Europe to know this to be untrue). It has been years since I have met a normal person capable of normal communication and basic respect in Europe. I have met more people than I can count on one finger who have suggested that I have to constantly talk to stalkers or abusers and basically allow them to abuse me. Some have also insisted they have a right to constantly scream and shout at me, and that I don’t get to set a boundary with them.
Such is the case with two incels who pretend I have no right to say no to unwanted communication (including one singer), to reject their fake “communication,” or to say no to spending time with people who are simply wasting my time so I won’t have time to spend on what truly matters to me. Life—a big part of life—is also enjoying the moment without talking. And these people aren’t great at talking; they are simply screaming and shouting all the time, degrading you, constantly being negative nannies who destroy the good mood, and then expecting you to hug them, have sex with them, and tell them how great they are. And these aren’t some kind of great people I’m talking about—they are schizophrenic, violent men who suffer from erotomania and other kinds of extreme mental disease. They are usually also pretty delusional about their supposed social and communication skills (which are the opposite of “skills,” more like “anti-skills”)!
I mean, if that is not some kind of retarded thinking—that I am not allowed to put an end to unwanted communication and violations of my privacy—I don’t know what is. It’s certainly not intelligence in action, because if they were intelligent, they would understand why someone would never want to talk to them or ever see them again. Also, why should I talk with such people? Why should I talk to people who are constantly talking and not allowing anyone to catch a breather or spend time outside their imagined reality (“schizophrenia-land,” as I call it)? It wouldn’t make any sense for me to spend my time allowing them to verbally abuse me and put me down every day. But if that is what they think is a valuable way to spend every day, so be it—they are entitled to their own opinion!
If you are being stalked, it is important to recognize that persistent attempts to communicate after you have clearly expressed a desire for space and privacy are not acceptable. Similarly, when someone creates content about you—such as songs or videos—and refuses to allow you to set boundaries regarding how you are portrayed, it constitutes harassment. This includes being subjected to repeated discussions about intimate encounters involving others, being compared unfavorably to them, or being consistently belittled, all while the person claims to be romantically involved with or infatuated with you.
But aside from these songs, all that comes out of his mouth all day long is hatred, slurs shouted at you, put-downs, and degrading language and behavior—directed at you simply because you are a woman and he is an incel who believes laws don’t apply to him and that women have no right to be left alone by a stalker suffering from erotomania. He tries to force you into a lower position relative to him, where you are expected to “take” him no matter how degrading his behavior is, no matter how little you like his looks, his lack of communication skills, his sex addiction, or his rapist tendencies. Honestly, that is not a brain in his head but a hole of nothingness, because it is not difficult to understand that, as a woman, you do not want to be harassed by a disgusting man who is dumb and doesn’t understand even the most basic rules of respectful social behavior.
I have repeatedly made it clear that such behavior is unwanted (and I do not care how famous a person is or how much respect a person receives from other people — if a person stalks and harasses me, threatens me with rape, or throws other women in my face, well, that person has no place in my life). I am not here to waste my precious time on this planet on people who neither matter to me, nor whom I want to be running after, asking them if they’d take me as their girlfriend, since I am neither good enough, attractive enough, “extroverted enough,” or … (this) enough and … (that) enough and … (whatever) enough for them anyway. I do not wish to hear discussions about other individuals or endure constant verbal attacks that aim to undermine my confidence and elevate others at my expense. Despite this, the person continues these actions simply because I refused to engage with them romantically. It is crucial to understand that such behavior is harassment, not affection, and you are fully entitled to enforce boundaries to protect your well-being.
Constant attempts at communicating, when you have made it clear that you want time alone and to be unbothered by their forced communication, fall under the category of stalking.
Writing songs about you can also fall under the category of stalking, especially when the person is genuinely stalking you but tries to create a dynamic in which you are expected to “run after” him. He presents himself as someone highly admired, to the point where no one is supposedly allowed to think critically about his appearance, intelligence, or abilities. If any of his songs are not good, you are expected to click on them, watch them, and then tell him he is superior to all other men. You are expected to praise him—and, most importantly, to put yourself down at the same time.
If you sit any man in front of me who isn’t famous but behaves properly, treats a woman to a coffee, communicates respectfully, and respects boundaries, I would gladly choose that instead of dealing with an entitled person who believes he is superior to everyone else, including his ex-partner, and who expects others to avoid saying anything negative about him or risk being punished, attacked, persecuted, or—if they are unlucky—worse.
I have been threatened many times by this person, and no amount of “this is not who I am” or “I don’t want this” will ever make him leave you alone. It is negativity, blame, shame, threats, and intimidation all day long, combined with some of the most severe verbal abuse you could imagine. That is all there is—no positive experience at any point. He even tries to silence your opinions, almost as if he were throttling your throat; and if he doesn’t do it with his hands, he does it with words meant to silence you permanently.
I also enjoy sitting at a café alone (or in my own flat) and enjoying my own company, since I am an enjoyable human being to be around and like spending time with myself—at least in my own opinion; you are, of course, entitled to your own opinion if you truly know me. The two hamsters running around my flat make me a bit nervous, but oh well—they were born to be free, not to live in hamster cages, since they bite a hole into every cage I buy and escape within two days. They act more like cats than I expected hamsters to act. They also have pretty privilege (or “cuteness privilege”), so you can’t really be mad at them when they inhabit your flat as though they were cats. Certain incels, however, don’t have cuteness privilege and are not enjoyable human beings to be around; I would never consent to spending time with them or listen to the nonsense coming out of their mouths if I could choose freely.
Stalking is defined as follows here:
Stalking can be: “a pattern of unwanted, fixated and obsessive behaviour which is repeated, persistent, intrusive and causes fear of violence or serious alarm and distress in the victim”. The FOUR elements – Fixated, Obsessive, Unwanted, Repeated, – are indications of stalking.
It can be carried out in many ways, including
Physical Stalking: Following a victim in person or showing up uninvited at their home, work, or other regular places.
Cyberstalking: Using the internet, social media, or other online platforms to track or harass a person.
Communications: Sending unwanted text messages, emails, phone calls, or letters.
Surveillance: Monitoring the victim’s activities without their consent, whether through direct observation or technology.
And it is defined as follows here:
Stalking is the ongoing pursuit of a specific person without their consent. Examples of stalking behavior include following someone, waiting outside their house, and spying on their activities.
If stalkers were enjoyable people to be around, most people would probably not even mind talking to them—but they are not! There is a reason people report them to the police and try to make them go away, and that reason usually doesn’t sound anything like:
“A truly kind and nice person showed up in my flat, and I wanted to have a pleasant conversation with them. However, I was a little busy, so I had to go to the police to report them.”
It sounds more like this:
“A person constantly degrades me, devalues me, makes me feel worthless as a human being, goes through my private things, wants access to my life and relationships, has threatened to rape or kill me (or has done the first and attempted the latter), and wants to monitor everything I do—including whom I interact with, how I dress, what I do at work, and whom I speak to—in order to cut relationships out of my life, sabotage my ability to work, isolate me from friends and family and follow my every step. He threatens me with murder if I do not date him, have sex with him, or otherwise allow him into my life.”
The stalkers I had were all malignant narcissists using violence, oppression, threats, and intimidation to get what wasn’t theirs and what I didn’t feel a need to give them—such as the privilege of having a conversation with me, or of having sex with me, which is certainly not something I give to every man running my way with an erection, since there would be too many. I choose carefully whom I want to have sex with and whom I would rather never have sex with, if you understand what I mean.
It may also look like a person throwing you to the floor because you used her water cooker (after she had told you that you could use it), and then trying to throttle you, with you only narrowly escaping. I’ve encountered female narcissists as well—they can be extremely volatile—but when I walk down the street, they’re not the ones I am truly afraid of. The ones I fear are the men who stalk me, particularly those who refuse to understand even the simplest German word: “Nein. (No.)”
Stalkers aren’t usually very conscious or intelligent when it comes to proper social behavior, particularly with regard to the opposite sex, which is why members of the opposite sex may reject spending time with them or talking to them in the first place.
Have you ever been harassed?