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China Elevator Stories
The Stages of Bullying
Bullying often unfolds in distinct stages.
20/05/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
1. Stage: Getting to know the victim
The victim and the bully get to know each other, either directly or indirectly. Sometimes, a victim doesn’t get to know the bully, but the bully gets to know the victim—such as through stalking her online. Bullies exist in every walk of life. A bully may initially be friends with his victim.
2. Stage: The bully identifies the victim as being somehow “weaker.”
Bullies usually bully people whom they see as weaker. Extroverts may start bullying introverts for being quiet, or men may bully women for being women, female, passive, not as active, not aggressive. Bullies may also see men who are aggressive and verbally abusive as being stronger—though that is certainly not a true sign of strength, but simply a misperception of what real strength looks like.
3. Stage: The bully bullies the victim; the victim doesn’t fight back.
The bully starts to bully the victim. This may happen early after getting to know them, or only later in time. A bully usually bullies, period. They don’t only bully one person—they bully many. Some bullies always bully the same kind of person, such as incels who tend to bully women, then claim they are the victims of women, when in reality, they were the ones treating women horrifically. At this stage, the victim may not be aware of the dynamic or may think that the bully will eventually go away, and therefore doesn’t fight back.
4. Stage: The victim starts fighting back.
The victim starts fighting back. She may tell her bully to leave her alone, to leave her life, or state consequences for boundary violations. She may also ask others to tell the bully to stop.
5. Stage: The bully draws in others to help him, playing the victim.
The bully, who usually doesn’t want to be prohibited from accessing his victim, starts to draw in other people or authorities so they’ll either bully the victim together with him or prevent the victim from having any way to make the bully leave her life. It is common that when the victim speaks up, the bully will go to many different people to tell them that the victim was treating him poorly, that what she is saying about him is not true, and that he is, in reality, a kind person who didn’t bully her. He’ll make up all sorts of stories about the victim and may also draw in authorities to punish the victim for trying to get free from a bully. Bullying usually leads to suicidal thoughts within the victim if it is extreme and leads to a situation the victim has no way to get out of.
Instead of having just one bully, the victim will find herself having more bullies at once, since many people usually join in the bullying once they are drawn into the dynamic—especially if they aren’t aware of how bullying works, or if they are malignant narcissists themselves (in cases where the bully is a malignant narcissist, which is often the case). This makes the situation worse for the victim.
6. Stage: The bully either leaves the victim’s life, the victim dies, or the bully remains in the victim’s life because she can’t get free from him
The bully will usually do whatever is needed to keep his victim entrapped and not allow her to leave his life. A bully, if a malignant narcissist, needs the victim as “his supply.” He feels stronger by bullying his victim, and her inability to get free from him also makes him feel powerful and superior.
A victim may be able to get free from a bully, but usually, this is very hard. I was bullied for four years in a row when I was in secondary school, and the bullying only stopped once I changed schools. I wasn’t taken out of that class—I was too afraid to confide in anyone and tell anyone about the bullying. Usually, parents should take their children out of that class if a child is being bullied, because a bully won’t ever stop bullying his victim, no matter who asks him to stop.
My experience was that the woman who bullied me—who is now working as a successful news anchor in Austria—once, when confronted with her behavior, feigned tears, said that she was sorry she had hurt me, and then, shortly after, started her bullying again. She didn’t actually feel sorry—she had feigned feeling sorry so people would pity her, not me, and so that “the attention” was taken off me and people would pay attention to her crying in front of everyone.
The bullying was horrific, and I experienced it every day. I therefore know from personal experience just how devastating bullying can be—and what realistic measures to counteract and stop it actually look like in real life. I also know that anyone who claims it’s easy to stop a bully likely has no real understanding of what it’s like to face someone who simply won’t stop, no matter how often the victim pleads.
Please don’t trust anyone who claims the bullying is somehow your fault, or that you aren’t strong or intelligent enough for not being able to stop a bully. Bullies are horrible people, and some of them are truly so dangerous and lack any social skills that NOTHING—truly NOTHING—will stop them.
With regard to children, there are usually two scenarios that are common:
The child is not generally a bully, but has been bullied by others—often grown-ups, sometimes parents—and has then started to bully others. In this scenario, the child is innocent; it is not responsible for the bullying.
The child is generally a bully. These children aren’t just bullies when they are young or in isolated instances—they are also bullies as adults. As grown-ups, they may be malignant narcissists who simply bully others—usually not because other people are actually weaker than them, but because they perceive others to be weaker than them.
Sometimes, bullying also occurs when they want something the other person has or are jealous of that person. A bully frequently overpowers others, and another person may not be equipped to handle any kind of bully—especially if they are generally a nice person who doesn’t want to cause any harm.
Have you ever experienced bullying?
On a side note: The pronouns “she” and “he” are used here only as examples; the actual genders may vary depending on the situation.