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China Elevator Stories
When Abusers Deny the Abuse and Silence Their Victims
When you speak up about having experienced abuse, the perpetrator will often deny what happened and try to silence you.
22/05/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
If you have experienced abuse, rape, bullying, or other situations involving extreme individuals, you may have also encountered what often happens when a victim speaks up about their experience:
Denial of what happened, and silencing.
Often, a real abuser will make sure to stay connected to their victim in some way. Some stay close physically, while others stalk their victims and try to prevent them from reporting the abuse—for example, by contacting the police (after having followed everything their victim does with spyware) and claiming the victim is lying, once they find out the victim has tried to report them.
This tactic is common. Every perpetrator I’ve encountered has used denial as a strategy to discredit the victim—portraying them as not credible or as liars. If you’re a woman who has been abused by a man, it’s not uncommon for him to claim that you’re unintelligent, untrustworthy, or don’t know what you’re talking about. Gaslighting in such scenarios is often extreme. You may encounter it repeatedly, to such a degree that you begin to question your own experiences or intelligence.
I’ve dealt with two men who constantly claimed they were more intelligent than I am, calling me “dumb.” But lacking certain information doesn’t make someone dumb—it simply means they haven’t had access to that information. Some men, particularly those influenced by incel ideology, may see women as inherently unintelligent, regardless of the fact that a woman can be just as intelligent—or more intelligent—than a man.
If you’re not a narcissist, a narcissist may perceive you as naïve or “dumb” simply because you’re not manipulative. Narcissists often excel at manipulating others due to how their minds work. They typically believe they are superior to everyone else. Ironically, some of the most narcissistic individuals—despite lacking insight or critical thinking—genuinely believe they are highly intelligent. This illusion stems from a severe lack of self-awareness, or what could be called a broken internal mirror: the inability to see themselves clearly.
I asked ChatGPT what common forms of silencing look like, and here is a good summary:
Types of Silencing
1. Direct Silencing
Threats and intimidation: Abusers may explicitly threaten the victim (or their loved ones) with further harm if they speak out.
Violence or fear of retaliation: Fear of consequences can keep victims silent.
Gaslighting: Abusers manipulate victims into doubting their memory or perception of the abuse.
2. Emotional and Psychological Silencing
Shaming and blaming: Victims are made to feel responsible for the abuse.
Isolation: Abusers cut victims off from support.
Minimization: The abuse is downplayed as “not that bad.”
3. Social Silencing
Disbelief and dismissal: Others suggest the victim is exaggerating.
Victim blaming: Society may imply the victim is at fault.
Stigma: Fear of judgment or exclusion discourages disclosure.
4. Institutional Silencing
Inaction or cover-ups: Institutions may suppress reports to protect reputations.
Retaliation: Victims face consequences for speaking up.
Legal barriers: Complicated procedures or lack of support discourage reporting.
5. Internalized Silencing
Self-blame: Victims may believe the abuse was their fault.
Learned helplessness: After repeated failures to be heard, victims may give up.
Denial and repression: Some suppress their experiences to cope.
I’ve experienced all of these forms of silencing at some point. I know very well how these dynamics unfold when a victim speaks up. Often, the aftermath—trying to report abuse, talking about rape—is even more traumatic than the abuse itself. Sometimes the abuse was already extreme, but the aftermath—people not believing you, abusers destroying your reputation, being shunned by friends and family—can push victims into deep isolation. It’s a harsh reality that many victims know too well.
I’ve deleted more than one blog post because of the backlash I received after truthfully writing about my experiences. To me, speaking about it isn’t taboo, people have the right to speak up and call it what it is—but many others don’t see it that way and protect perpetrators at all costs. Victims often self-censor, and many (including women) see you as “bad” or “evil” if you speak honestly about what happened.
Due to the social shaming that abuse victims experience, talking about this topic is incredibly hard. Having gone through what I have, I find it shocking that in a society like Austria, speaking openly about abuse remains a taboo. I was shunned, excluded by my family, and treated like an “abnormal” person because of what happened to me. Every time I tried to talk to someone in my family, a campaign to discredit me began behind my back, and I was powerless to correct the extreme injustice being done to me.
To me, someone who has experienced abuse is just a normal person. But to others, once you talk about it, you become someone else—someone people treat like an alien, or a perpetrator, talking about strange, unrelatable things that supposedly happen to “no one.”
What happened to me regarding my children, and in other horrific situations I’ve found myself in, isn’t even that uncommon—but it may certainly not be something that happens to everyone.
Let’s be clear: What happened is never the victim’s fault. It doesn’t mean the victim has a flawed character, or that she was “not intelligent enough,” or any other harmful excuse.
The same goes for rape and stalking—victims are often repeatedly shamed, as if these acts were somehow their fault. But they’re not. It’s not the victim’s fault that someone chose to stalk or rape them. Often, it’s simply a matter of unfortunate coincidence.
As for rape — the things you’ll hear… let’s not even start.
In my opinion (and this is just based on observation), a victim is stopped from talking openly about rape or what I believe is a rise in rape in my generation. People who do will be attacked horifically or called liars, and they will be discredited behind their back. They may also receive death threats or be intimidated by the perpetrator. Others still deny rape happens more frequently than one would know. If there is no basis where a person can talk about having been raped freely, in a democratic kind of way where free speech about these topics is being granted without having to fear punishment or other negative consequences, then we don’t know how many people are actually being raped, the numbers are already skewed because victims don’t speak about their experience, and have to fear extreme consequences for speaking up.
This is what I have observed:
There’s a lack of social norms among many men today that didn’t exist in my parents’ generation.
More men lack basic relationship skills (I don’t know why, but having “family values” has declined as something people aspire to, at least in certain cities or regions).
Some men believe it’s their right to rape because they belong to incel communities.
In my opinion, in certain Central European countries, some social boundaries that once existed have eroded, contributing to a rise in such incidents. The widespread acceptance of abnormal social behavior—including abuse and rape—where the victim is often seen as guilty of a crime she didn’t commit, and society’s negative response to those who speak out, also make it much harder for victims to escape their perpetrators.
Silencing, by the way, doesn’t only occur in cases where victims speak up about abuse. In recent years, individuals who have spoken out about what they perceive as a decline in democracy in Europe have also been targeted—often in disturbing ways—including the use of the court system to suppress their voices.
We’re living in a time when people who speak their truth and openly express their opinions are targeted—their views are crushed, and they face persecution, especially if their opinions are liberal and rooted in democratic values (some may also be fired if they do so). If what they say is intelligent or makes sense, they’ll be knocked off their “pedestal” as genuine authorities—often by people who are less intelligent and who oppose democracy and free speech (within the boundaries of respectful communication). Now certainly “free speech” doesn’t mean giving a narcissist a free pass to verbally abuse their victim nonstop or dominate conversations without allowing the other person to speak, say ‘no’ or set healthy boundaries.
One woman who lost her job after publishing a book—and who made sure her case received widespread media coverage, refusing to be silenced—is Ulrike Guérot (a video where she shares her experience, in German, is linked above). According to Guérot, her dismissal was politically motivated, stemming from her critical analyses of government policies and her stance on the Ukraine conflict, with the book serving merely as a pretext.
Another person who has been banned from speaking at certain venues—and who frequently encounters opposition during interviews—is the Swiss journalist Daniele Ganser. He discusses his experiences in the interview linked above (in German), presenting them in a very humorous and lighthearted way.
Dr. Raphael Bonelli is yet another example. He was sued for expressing views that, in his opinion, should be protected in a democratic society.
These are just a few examples of individuals who have been targeted for speaking their minds.
In my opinion, any viewpoint that is liberal, neutral, critical, or otherwise aligned with democratic values should be allowed to be shared online, including on platforms like YouTube. This ensures that people can form their own opinions, rather than being exposed to only one permitted narrative while others are silenced.
People with critical perspectives—myself included—are often blocked from speaking, while those with much more radical views are frequently allowed to express them freely. This situation reminds me of very dark periods in history and does not reflect the principles of democratic discourse, which used to be considered normal but has increasingly become the exception in recent years.
One of the reasons I left Europe was the erosion of democratic values and the persecution of individuals who speak out against injustice—those who raise legitimate criticism. At the same time, more extreme voices have managed to gain influence and power, often overshadowing those who are more moderate, liberal, or neutral. Ironically, it is these more reasonable voices that are portrayed as dangerous, despite posing far less actual threat.
Have you ever been silenced?