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China Elevator Stories
Speaking Up Shouldn’t Cost Us Everything
Over the past few years, I’ve dealt with more attacks on my credibility than I can count.
03/06/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
I have experienced all kinds of scenarios where a person set out to damage my reputation, but the most common ones involved men who tried to “take me down.” These weren’t usually men I would have freely chosen to have contact with—they were men who stalked me and made sure they’d get involved in my life. Some of them were after things I owned: my blog, my social media followers. One was after my money to the extent that getting back on my feet was extremely difficult.
Usually, these people are extremely “outward-focused.” Whenever there’s a perceived problem, they always see it as coming from someone else—someone who then needs to be taken down. They try to ruin her self-esteem through secret bullying, sabotage her career “because she is now living such a successful life” (even though she may not actually be enjoying her life, due to the constant harassment and bullying). They lack the capacity to understand where the problem truly originated, and instead shift responsibility onto the wrong person. They rarely take responsibility for their own behavior—or own their responsibilities at all. In the end, you’re left dealing with everything: your responsibilities and theirs, cleaning up the chaos and messes they’ve made of your life.
If you’ve ever met a person who doesn’t handle their own issues but constantly blames others without justification, who ignores the boundaries you set with another person and then befriends that person so they can attack you together—even while you’re still trying to get out of a dangerous situation—then you’ll understand what I mean when I say someone pushed their responsibility onto someone else.
Talking honestly about another person is simply that: speaking the truth. If someone is telling the truth, in my opinion, they are allowed to do it—and they should do it. It’s the only way we can really know what’s going on and protect ourselves from people who cause harm.
Damaging someone’s reputation, though, is a different matter. It can happen openly, or it can happen behind closed doors—where no one sees it.
Many narcissists are clever enough to hide what they’re doing, so they can continue doing it. If their behavior were out in the open, others could see it clearly and might realize that the victim is telling the truth—that she’s right, and the perpetrator is wrong. But perpetrators often make sure they’re not seen when abusing, harassing, or bullying. That makes it much harder for victims to get the truth out and not be seen as the guilty one.
Like I said, telling the truth about someone is, in my opinion, completely justified.
When a reputation is damaged, what is said about the person isn’t the truth. Common patterns include:
- Character framing as difficult, crazy, or unstable – often without this being true, and in fact, the exact opposite may be true: the perpetrator is the one being difficult, creating complications or be crazy. For example, not allowing the victim to have boundaries with a stalker, then the stalker pretending she wasn’t polite enough to him and reappearing after framing her as someone who “can’t work well with others,” is “crazy,” or “paranoid” for believing that a “nice man” like him would stalk her.
- Undermining or erasing contributions – Not giving a woman credit where it’s due and pretending the work was his. He may have helped slightly, or interfered without being asked, then claimed he did all the work and that she only succeeded because he helped her reach that level. In many such cases, her name isn’t even mentioned, and she is ignored as the person who actually did the work. The man then goes around telling others he did all of it—even if he only contributed 2% or 5%. Some even claim they did your work when they didn’t do any of it.
- Sexual harassment or coercion – Harassment can derail careers—but if it’s reported, the woman is often portrayed as “overreacting” or “difficult.” When a woman reports harassment or coercion, it frequently leads to retaliation, exclusion, or being forced out of her position—even when she’s the victim. I’ve personally experienced this.
- Using reputation as a threat – Threatening to “ruin” her or damage her standing if she rejects advances, speaks out, or asserts herself. The fear of backlash can silence her or force her into compliance. Even without a threat, when a perpetrator refuses to respect any boundary, life can become unmanageable. This may also include reporting her to the police to intentionally damage her reputation there.
- Weaponizing respectability or morality – Criticizing her appearance, clothing, relationships, or family choices far more harshly than those of male counterparts. This kind of judgment polices her behavior and restricts the space she’s allowed to exist in. The person doing this rarely faces consequences, as he often hides his behavior well.
- Discrediting her competence when she is actually competent – Painting her as incapable or unqualified, publicly or privately, to her face or behind her back. This may include telling her she’s not good at her work and therefore needs his help—when in reality, she doesn’t, and his “help” is really sabotage that prevents her from doing things correctly. It can also include mocking her ideas or unnecessarily correcting her work—whether privately to undermine her confidence or publicly to shame her. If the person doing this holds authority, others may believe him, seeing her as less capable even when she has done nothing wrong.
If you’re like me, you may feel guilty about setting boundaries with a stalker or doing whatever is necessary to remove them from your life—or to stop a smear campaign. I don’t even like writing about these topics, but anyone who has experienced a smear campaign knows how incredibly hard it is to stop.
In my opinion, the lies told behind your back aren’t even the real issue—I’ve grown used to people spreading lies about me, and others believing them and acting strangely the next time we interact. The deeper problem is the abuse itself and the toll it takes on your body and mind.
If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), introverted, or empathic, you likely don’t enjoy putting yourself out there. I certainly don’t. But I was pushed to write this by someone who told me it might be the only way to get this person to stop harassing me.
Ultimately, the real issue is the harassment—this psychological terrorism (or Psychoterror, as it’s called in German)—and the painful reality of not being able to simply live your life in peace and have your rights and boundaries respected.
I’d much rather write about China, share conversations I had with Chinese people, and focus on other people and tasks than on stalkers and those who do all sorts of crazy things to get attention. I also enjoy reading books about history, for example, and not having to concentrate on psychology—but oh well, my life’s not nearly as great as it may seem from the outside. Shoot me an email if you’ve been through something similar!
But it’s completely impossible to do any of that while constantly facing the private persecution of a person who is simply out of control.
Usually, when a person is being attacked, it’s not because she isn’t good at what she does, but because she’s excellent at it. People who behave in the ways described above are often those who focus solely on appearances, whose aim seems to be tearing others down rather than living a fulfilling life themselves. They’re often never satisfied, driven by greed, jealousy, and deep-seated hatred.
Now, if you’re feeling hatred because someone has abused you, that’s completely norma. Narcissists, on the other hand, can carry so much hatred that it becomes dangerous. Some may even act violently after absorbing toxic ideas—like those spread in incel forums—where lies about women are promoted and believed.
This kind of hatred is especially difficult for empaths, who physically and emotionally absorb the feelings of others. It becomes even more painful when narcissists refuse to take responsibility for their actions and constantly blame others for things they didn’t cause, without taking any responsibility for their own actions.
Have you ever experienced a dynamic like this?