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China Elevator Stories
The difference between real and perceived self-confidence
Certain signs show that a person has real self-confidence, while other signs reveal fake self-confidence.
01/03/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
The stalker who has harassed me for a few years in a row is someone I consider not very self-confident. He is constantly looking to the outside for approval, always checking what others think about him—or me (a boundary violation, for sure)—and then tries to twist others into a pretzel so they’ll conform to what he or others want from me. (Not that I give a sh** about what a stranger in Vienna thinks about me. I mean, why care about what others think!)
I asked ChatGPT to confirm my view of him as not very self-confident, and the answer I received was spot on (I’ll share it a little later in this article).
This is a person who will repeatedly tell you that your view of reality is wrong—even when it is blatantly obvious that it isn’t. You are saying the truth, you are experiencing things correctly, yet what he proclaims as “truth” is completely delusional and non-existent. Not that there’s any use in arguing with a delusional, sociopathic individual. Tell him he has poor behavior and social skills, and he’ll talk to you for 365 days in a row about how great he is at understanding social skills—while being absolutely embarrassing, showing through his actions that he doesn’t understand human behavior, social norms, or acceptable behavior when interacting with another human being. And, of course, he repeatedly ignores requests to stop talking to me and to leave me alone.
He has gaslit me for years, trying to portray himself as extremely confident and me as lacking confidence. I don’t know how many times I have told him to leave me alone, to stop harassing me, and that introversion is not the same as lacking confidence. Also, introversion is an inborn trait—it doesn’t need to be changed by him, bullied out of me, or treated as some kind of sickness that must be “fixed” into extroversion. But because he is extroverted, he considers introverts as sick people who need to be changed by him so they’ll finally become healthy. (Because a narcissist can’t see normal behavior as normal. They only see what is abnormal as normal, and they need everybody to be a carbon copy of them—meaning introverts must behave like extroverts, because they are perfect, and thus, everybody needs to be like them.)
He doesn’t seem to understand that loud shouting, talking down to others, verbally abusing and harassing women, bragging, being fake, and running after superficial things—such as obsessing over fashion, dressing himself in a way that’s supposed to make others assume he’s good-looking and confident—won’t actually convince anyone that he is. He thinks he’s fashionable because he copies people on Instagram, assuming nobody will notice. Anyone who is a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) will see through him. A real empath and HSP can sniff out the difference between real self-esteem and someone just pretending to be confident.
Anyway, ChatGPT confirmed my impression that I am fine in terms of self-confidence (not that I actually needed acknowledgment of that), while his idea of confidence—and his belief that he is ‘overly self-confident’—is not just a little off, but completely wrong.
I asked ChatGPT this question:
“What is real self-confidence? Is bragging and learning a lot of communication strategies real self-confidence?”
This is the answer ChatGPT offered:
“Real self-confidence isn’t about bragging or mastering communication tricks—it’s about having a deep, stable belief in your own worth, abilities, and decisions, regardless of external validation.
What real self-confidence looks like:
Inner security – You don’t need constant reassurance or approval from others.
Humility & growth mindset – You acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses without feeling threatened.
Emotional stability – Criticism or rejection doesn’t shake your core identity.
Authenticity – You act in alignment with your values, not just to impress others.
Self-respect – You set boundaries and walk away from toxic situations without guilt.What It’s Not
Bragging – Often a mask for insecurity, as real confidence doesn’t need to be loudly advertised.
Overloading on communication strategies – While learning to communicate effectively is useful, using strategies as a crutch to appear confident rather than being confident is different.
Seeking external validation – If confidence relies on others’ reactions, it’s fragile, not real.Confidence is quiet, while insecurity is often loud. True confidence means you don’t need to prove yourself—you just know your worth.“
I tend to find individuals who don’t use natural communication skills too fake. Usually, you can’t have a normal conversation with them because they constantly try to “win” and compete by learning and applying new communication strategies. They may study all kinds of skills to compete in conversations—such as nonviolent communication (which they then misuse by not respecting your boundaries when you say you’re uncomfortable with their harassment) or other aggressive debating techniques that make you feel like communication is a war where language is used as a weapon, not two individuals coming together to talk respectfully and exchange their views.
This particular stalker gets basic words wrong—calling a “horse” a “donkey,” the “sun” the “moon,” or “green” “turquoise.” When you ask him to use words correctly, you’ll soon find out that he can’t because all the words have been incorrectly stored in his brain (which doesn’t work very well, but that’s another story). It’s as if he memorized a dictionary to brag to others about how many words he knows but never actually engaged in real-life conversations that would allow him to learn how to apply these words correctly—never having participated in enough natural communication that doesn’t require artificial tactics or some kind of “strategy.”
If you mention this, he’ll portray you as crazy for thinking he wasn’t born with superior intelligence and language skills (hearing him speak hurts my ears!).
I grew up in a family where people simply spoke, so to say. Everyone just naturally talked to each other and that’s how we learned natural and naturally flowing communication. Nobody was particularly fake in their conversations, and no one in my family of ten (two parents and eight siblings, all from the same parents) used any kind of manipulative communication strategy.
We learned to speak naturally simply by being around a lot of people we could talk to on a regular basis. We also learned to respect another person’s privacy and to be respectful of others—something you definitely have to learn when growing up with seven siblings, each with their own individual needs.
Of course, some were more talkative than others and weren’t always quiet when they should have been—such as at bedtime. (I shared a room with three siblings until I was a teenager, and even with all my siblings when I was younger.)
Understanding other people is important, as is recognizing what healthy communication is—and what it isn’t. Learning about communication and communication skills is definitely okay in my opinion. But misusing communication by learning strategies solely to manipulate others is a completely different story.
Communication is not only about talking (which this particular individual engages in constantly), but also about being able to listen. The Yin and Yang of communication are listening and talking. There’s an active part (talking) and a passive part (listening); only when both are present in an individual can they be considered a good communicator. Communication is also not just about excessive talking, but about being able to understand other forms of language, such as body language. It’s like Yin and Yang—one shouldn’t exist in a vacuum without the other. A person should be able to speak respectfully (but not to just anyone, especially if they are a stalker who is repeatedly crossing another person’s boundaries), as well as listen to others. If you can’t respect another person’s ‘no’ as a stalker, it shows a lack of self-confidence and a lack of being able to understand the other person, her rights and her privacy. If you have enough self-confidence, you won’t be bothered by someone telling you ‘no,’ you’ll accept it and will move on to someone who is willing to listen to you.
Now, please don’t misunderstand this as an open invitation for anyone to talk to whomever they please. I’m not saying we must always be willing to communicate. As adults, we have the right to decide how we spend our time, with whom, and who we are willing to engage with. Some people need silence and solitude often. As a highly sensitive introvert, I frequently require time away from people or certain situations to protect my well-being. Likewise, if someone is persistently abusive—verbally or otherwise—or excessively loud, I have the right, as an adult, to determine what is healthy for me and what isn’t.
Have you ever noticed someone using communication strategies to manipulate others?
On a side note:
I had disabled comments for the past few years due to stalking. I’ve now reactivated them on all posts, so feel free to leave a comment at the bottom of the page. Please stay polite and respectful in your comments, or I will have to delete them!