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China Elevator Stories
No Apologies: Choosing Individuality Over People-Pleasing
I have encountered many people who tried to turn me into a people pleaser.
25/12/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
People pleasers have often tried to change me into one of them. If you are a blogger who has been repeatedly attacked for literally nothing (or, as your haters may think, “taking away other people’s light by shining your own”), or if you’ve had your children taken away even though you did nothing wrong—first by your ex-husband, then by the courts, arbitrarily, without it being your fault—you may have learned, just like I have, to stop caring about what other people think.
To clarify: I am the opposite of a people pleaser. People like me have it hard nowadays.
Most of the time, when I am attacked by others, it’s because I have my own opinions and boundaries, and I am not willing to please others at the cost of sacrificing my own needs. More often than not, men have tried to change me into a people pleaser so I would act in a way that fits their misogynistic worldview, or so I would be intimidated into getting back into a relationship with them again. A few women have also tried to change me into the people pleaser I am not.
Now, if you like to please others, I don’t judge you. You are allowed to have your own opinion and do whatever you want.
But for me, it is simply not who I am, and I see no point in changing into someone I’m not just so that a few people can be happier. Usually, though, these are the kinds of people who are never happy, no matter how much you try to please them—they’ll simply keep asking for more of your time, energy, resources, or whatever else they’re after.
Is my purpose on earth to make others happy? No, it certainly is not. In my experience, those who try to turn you into a people pleaser will eventually ask you for other favors or try to make you fulfill more of their needs—often inappropriate needs that should not be fulfilled by you.
Many people have accused me of being selfish simply because I am not a people pleaser. However, it’s important to understand that not being a people pleaser is not the same as being selfish. In fact, a people pleaser can be extremely selfish, while someone who is not a people pleaser can still be a kind and giving person.
When we are adults, certain needs must be fulfilled by ourselves first. Those that can’t be fulfilled by us may have to be met by others, but we can’t usually force anybody to fulfill our needs if they don’t want to. There are legitimate needs and illegitimate ones—needs a person may believe someone else should fulfill, even though they don’t have the right to demand that. This is how life works as an adult. That’s not to say people don’t need help sometimes or aren’t dependent on others from time to time; they certainly are. But just because I don’t people-please doesn’t mean I won’t help a person in need. People mix things up quite a lot these days, and aren’t always aware of the differences.
Now, don’t ask me why I am not a people pleaser like many others. I simply am not. I wasn’t born that way, and I will never become one.
A people pleaser may be fine with pleasing others, but a person who isn’t a people pleaser can’t biologically become one, because their biology isn’t set up that way. This isn’t about being selfish; it’s about not wanting to change into who others think you should be or having to give up your rights. For example, a man might think you need to change into an extrovert even though you’re an introvert. Or someone might ask you to give more than your health allows, without considering your needs, and then call you selfish when you decline because you’re not sacrificing for the so-called ‘greater good’—like the well-being of your family—at the cost of your own health. Often, people who try to coerce others into people-pleasing aren’t taking enough responsibility for themselves. They just want to make their own lives easier while making yours harder.
If disapproval from others has happened a lot, as it has in my case, you may have realized you can’t change other people or their opinions of you. You may also have realized that you have worth no matter what others think, even if in their eyes, you have no worth at all.
A lot of the times when I was attacked, it wasn’t for what I had actually done but for perceived wrongs I didn’t cause or create. This makes it easy to see that these attacks aren’t personal. And as someone who has been bullied, attacked, harassed, and otherwise excluded for things that weren’t personal or weren’t my fault, I’ve realized that our inherent worth is independent of what others think or believe about us.
Are you a people pleaser?