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China Elevator Stories
The Problem With Mother-Enmeshed-Sons (MEM) In AMWF Relationships and Beyond
A marriage with a mother-enmeshed son (MEM) is often doomed to fail.
26/12/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
As a Western woman who married (and later divorced) a Chinese man, I, along with many others, discovered early in the relationship that my ex-husband had an unhealthy connection with his mother.
“Parentification” is a term that may resonate with many. It describes a psychological phenomenon where a child is treated as a caregiver, meeting their parents’ emotional needs instead of the other way around. Often, such children are used as substitutes for a partner or confidante, a role that is neither age-appropriate nor psychologically healthy.
When these children grow up, the pattern often persists. Having been parentified myself as a child, I’ve experienced severe burnout multiple times as a result.
Both my former mother-in-law and Chinese ex-husband parentified my children, using them as replacements for a partner. Decisions that should not involve children were often forced upon them by either my ex-husband or his mother. This unhealthy dynamic—where children become emotional stand-ins for parents—can continue into adulthood, creating enmeshed relationships.
When these parentified children grow up, they will often still be replacements for their parents’ partners. We may see this happen in relationships between fathers and their sons, or we may find it in relationships between mothers and their sons (and with their daughters).
When the sociopathic stalker who has been stalking me for half a decade posted a video of him and his father online, I immediately knew they were in an unhealthily enmeshed relationship (I clicked on the link without being aware what the video was about). In the video, they both talk and sit right next to each other as though they were a couple—this is usually a sign that a man is too enmeshed with his father and doesn’t have his own independent personality.
Of course, as a psychologically healthy woman, a man such as him doesn’t land on my dating list.
Other factors, such as character, intelligence, or social conduct, also matter. I prefer introversion to extroversion and men with high self-esteem over those with low or no self-esteem. I find fake and superficial men, like the stalker, boring. Men who can’t communicate well don’t make it onto my list, and those who are financially, verbally, psychologically or otherwise abusive—I’m saying bye-bye to them as well!
Quite naturally, my list is empty as of right now and no man has been able to make it onto that list! But I don’t mind being single. Having no relationship is better than having a bad relationship.
I find it amusing that some women have judged me as less beautiful, sexy, or intelligent than they are simply because I’m single. It’s flawed logic to believe that a woman’s worth is defined by the boyfriend she can attract.
My Chinese ex-husband made it onto my list initially, even though it wasn’t love at first sight, and I only fell in love with him because he presented himself as a caring, kind person. Appearance-wise, I didn’t mind. He wasn’t the kind of man I liked at first sight, but neither did he look ugly to me. Later, I found him attractive enough to date.
Once a man meets these appearance criteria, it doesn’t mean I would date him, but there is a theoretical chance if other criteria align as well. For example, if he were a good person who showed interest in a romantic relationship, I might date him if he behaved respectfully, tried to show he was sincere about having a relationship with me, and fulfilled certain other criteria that could make him a possible mate.
Usually, and I believe this is the case for many of us, looks are important and are often the first thing we see. They aren’t usually the only important factor, but as women, we’re either attracted to or not attracted to a man. Sex is a part of most romantic relationships, and if I consider having to have sex with a man, certainly, I would want to be attracted to him, and not be disgusted.
Can a man become attractive to us when he hasn’t seemed attractive in the beginning? In certain instances he can, but in others, he never will.
The stalker has been attempting to brainwash me into changing my opinion of him. In my view, he is an unattractive man. This may sound harsh, but it’s my honest opinion, and I believe I’m entitled to it—especially considering that he constantly harasses me and refuses to leave me alone. If I find a dish disgusting, I wouldn’t eat it if the taste made me feel sick. Similarly, I wouldn’t date a man I find unattractive because he simply isn’t someone I’m drawn to, nor would I ever be. While attraction is only one part of most relationships, it is still an important factor.
One of the first hurdles a man must pass for me to consider him a potential mate is the “appearance test”. However, if a man is overly focused on his own appearance or places too much importance on a woman’s looks—like the stalker I’ve been dealing with—he won’t be attractive to me. Men who obsess over superficial things, such as their own or others’ appearances, often lack the self-esteem to make it onto my “possible mate list”. I find such men incredibly boring—yawn!
Another first hurdle a man must pass is the “malignant narcissist test”. Most men I have gotten to know in recent years haven’t been able to pass this test. You’re a malignant narcissist, but attractive? Well, goodbye!
Of course, in any kind of relationship, attraction should be mutual. It works like this: A man finds a woman attractive, and the same woman finds the same man attractive. If they also like other aspects that are important to them, they can then choose to date if they want to. However, if only the man finds the woman attractive but the woman thinks the man is unattractive, or if the woman finds the man attractive but the man thinks the woman is unattractive, they usually wouldn’t date.
I also mention this because the sociopathic stalker I’ve been dealing with for years claims that he is incredibly sexy and attractive, and that I do like him and his appearance, when in reality, I don’t. He has even used different methods of dark psychology to try and change my subconscious beliefs about him. This is not a basis for a relationship. He’s not in the pool of men I would ever consider dating, as I don’t find him attractive at all (not to mention his mental illness!), but he still pretends he is. I guess it would be too big a blow to his fragile ego to accept that I find him ugly and that this will never change, which is why he feels the need to gaslight me into saying I find him attractive and sexy. Let me be clear: I find him ugly. His issue with my opinion of him has been ongoing, as he constantly tries to manipulate me into seeing him in a favorable light. My opinion will never change, but instead of accepting this and moving on to another woman who would appreciate him, he has tried to create a false reality—casting me as an actress in a fantasy where we are in love and a couple. He can’t distinguish reality from his delusions and has used various manipulative psychological tactics on me, many of which are reminiscent of the experiments Nazis conducted on Jews during WWII.
Some men will try to create fake profiles where they mask their real appearance. These men, including the stalker who initially did this, should be avoided, as should men who are MEMs, or mother-enmeshed-sons. These are the men who are still married to their mothers. FEMs, father-enmeshed sons, are also men I avoid. With these men, you will never be a real partner because they have made one of their parents their partner.
My Chinese ex-husband was an extreme example of a MEM, as are many Chinese men in general. I thought he wasn’t when I initially met him, which was the only reason I started dating him. If I had known he would turn out to be a MEM, I would have probably run for the Guangdong hills within the first weeks of dating! It is common for a Chinese mother-in-law to move in with you while dating, during your marriage, or when you are about to or are having kids. Some Chinese men may even still share their bed with their mothers, thinking there’s nothing wrong with that.
These mothers are often severely co-dependent and lack a well-defined personality. Chinese mother-in-laws are known to be among the most difficult, so be cautious! Many Chinese women are aware of this, but a Western woman marrying a Chinese man may not initially know this.
I once told my ex-husband, “I feel like your mother is watching us when we’re having sex!” This was after she showed up in our bedroom and stayed there to watch us as a couple for the umpteenth time. He would run around half-naked, wearing only his underwear, and she would frequently wash them for him! She also asked a lot of questions about my menstruation and inquired about our sex life. I believe she was probably the main reason my ex-husband completely stopped having sex with me (thank God he did; at the time, I didn’t know he was having affairs with 18-year-old girls behind my back and visiting Chinese prostitutes—this was one of the clues that revealed he was cheating).
While it used to be normal for my Chinese ex-husband and me to do things as a couple during the years that we were living alone, his mother soon forced her way into our marriage in such a way that she could replace me as his wife. My Chinese ex-husband, who didn’t resist, soon became her “husband”, and they did many things together, including parenting our kids like a couple instead of him parenting our kids with me.
Now, don’t be fooled by her smile in this photo—this is not a nice and kind human being! Never let a wolf in sheep’s clothing deceive you into thinking they are kinder than they truly are. If you’re a sheep, you must do whatever is necessary to protect yourself from wolves pretending to be sheep!
My former mother-in-law’s crazy behavior led to many fights, but once she had established herself as his “wife” and the “mother of our children,” his behavior never returned to how it was at the beginning of our relationship, when we made decisions together and spent time as a couple.
In his book When He’s Married to Mom, Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D. (with Alexander P. Morgan) explains how mother-enmeshed sons behave and how they can heal from their enmeshment, which can only happen if they want to heal. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has to deal with a severely enmeshed man.
Sometimes, this kind of enmeshment is easy to recognize; other times, it may appear in more subtle ways. One of the ways it shows is when your husband talks about his mother all the time. My ex used to do this until I had to put up some very strong boundaries with him, which, of course, he blamed me for.
Almost every second sentence that came out of my ex-husband’s mouth was about his mother! This is a good sign that a man is severely enmeshed with his mother. When he constantly says: “My mother said this…” or “My mother wants this…” or “The way my mother sees this is…,” this is a strong indicator that your husband is a MEM.
When your mother-in-law leaves her own husband behind and moves into your home to live with your husband, that’s another warning sign that you’re dealing with a MEM. The pattern of MEM can also jump a generation. Mothers who have an enmeshed relationship with their sons may later do the same with their grandsons. I have experienced this in my own life.
Her grandsons will learn from a very young age that her needs are the only ones that matter, and they need to keep her happy, satisfied, and spend time exclusively with her. All of her grandsons’ free time will have to be spent with her, and if they spend it with someone else, she will become jealous and manipulative to get her way and ensure they spend time only with her.
A woman who acts this way may do a lot for her son and grandsons, and she may even help her daughter-in-law, but it’s usually attached to an ulterior motive: making her son and grandsons completely dependent on her and ensuring they spend their lives with her, rather than truly considering the needs of these men and boys—or her daughter-in-law.
Kenneth M. Adams has observed a clear profile for mother-enmeshed men. One fundamental characteristic is what he calls the “Disloyalty Bind”, which shows as loyalty to his mother (or any other person he enmeshes with) and disloyalty to other women in his life, such as his girlfriend or wife.
In China, there is a well-known question people frequently ask: “If both women were drowning at the same time, would you rescue your mother or your wife?” Most Western men usually answer they would rescue their wife, while the Chinese men asked said they would rescue their mother.
Kenneth M. Adams describes how he had to tell one of his clients that she only had two options regarding her husband: accommodate or break up.
I experienced having to make the same decision. Before I did so, I gave my ex-husband an ultimatum. Because my ex-husband’s MEM pattern was so extreme and unhealthy—bordering on emotional incest—in the end, I found myself with only one option left: to break up.
Usually, when your husband is enmeshed with his mother, she plays an active role in the dynamic, not a passive one. She may see you as her competition and do everything she can to get rid of you, including destroying your marriage, alienating your children from you, and badmouthing you to other family members to turn them against you. My mother-in-law believed she needed to force me out of her son’s and grandsons’ lives forever. She didn’t care about the trauma this would cause her grandsons; the only thing that mattered to her was remaining the only woman in their lives.
Were you ever married to a man who turned out to be a MEM?