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China Elevator Stories
The Problem With Mother-Enmeshed-Sons (MEM) In AMWF Relationships and Beyond
A marriage with a mother-enmeshed son (MEM) is often doomed to fail.
19/09/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
As a Western woman who married a Chinese man, quite a few of us had to realize early in the relationship that the man had a somewhat unhealthy connection with his mother.
“Parentification” is a term many may know, and I have seen a lot of these relationships resemble this psychological phenomenon. When a child is being parentified, they are treated like a grown-up who needs to take care of their parents’ or other caregivers’ needs. A child who is being parentified is also often used as a replacement for a partner and confidante by the parent, who should keep the child out of adult issues and allow them to deal with matters appropriate for their age, but isn’t psychologically healthy enough to do so.
Once these children are grown-ups, this pattern may still persist. I have been parentified as a child, and have suffered from a severe burn-out a few times in my life as a result of it.
Both my former mother-in-law and my Chinese ex-husband have parentified my children and use them as replacements for a partner. Decisions that shouldn’t be made by my children are often forced on them, either by my ex-husband or my former mother-in-law.
When these parentified children grow up, they will often still be replacements for their parents’ partners. We may see this happen in relationships between fathers and their sons, or we may find it in relationships between mothers and their sons (and with their daughters).
When the sociopathic stalker who has been stalking me for half a decade posted a video of him and his father online, I immediately knew they were in an unhealthily enmeshed relationship (I clicked on the link without being aware what the video was about). In the video, they both talk and sit right next to each other as though they were a couple—this is usually a sign that a man is too enmeshed with his father and doesn’t have his own independent personality.
Of course, as a psychologically healthy woman, a man such as him doesn’t land on my dating list. Neither do men who don’t make it onto the “good looking enough list.”
The German singer I used to date recently did a test with me to figure out how a man could become a potential partner. It was more to prove to the stalker that not any man can become my boyfriend, but only those who meet certain criteria in terms of looks can.
Other factors, such as character, intelligence, or social conduct, also matter. I prefer introversion to extroversion and men with high self-esteem over those with low or no self-esteem. I find fake and superficial men, like the stalker, boring. Men who can’t communicate well don’t make it onto my list, and those who are financially abusive—I’m saying bye-bye to them as well!
Quite naturally, my list is empty as of right now and no man has been able to make it onto that list. But I don’t mind being single. Having no relationship is better than having a bad relationship.
My Chinese ex-husband made it onto my list initially, even though it wasn’t love at first sight, and I only fell in love with him because he presented himself as a caring, kind person. Appearance-wise, I didn’t mind. He wasn’t the kind of man I liked at first sight, but neither did he look ugly to me. Later, I found him attractive enough to date.
Once a man meets these appearance criteria, it doesn’t mean I would date him, but there is a theoretical chance if other criteria align as well. For example, if he were a good person who showed interest in a romantic relationship, I might date him if he behaved respectfully, tried to show he was sincere about having a relationship with me, and fulfilled certain other criteria that could make him a possible mate.
Usually, and I believe this is the case for many of us, looks are important and are often the first thing we see. They aren’t usually the only important factor, but as women, we’re either attracted to or not attracted to a man.
Sex is a part of most romantic relationships, and if I consider having to have sex with a man, certainly, I would want to be attracted to him, and not be disgusted.
Can a man become attractive to us when he hasn’t seemed attractive in the beginning? In certain instances he can, but in others, he never will.
The stalker has been trying to brainwash my opinion about him. In my opinion, he is an ugly man. This may sound rude, but it’s my honest opinion, and I believe I’m allowed to have that opinion about a man. If there is a dish I find disgusting, I wouldn’t usually eat it if the taste would make me throw up. The same goes for a man I find ugly – I wouldn’t date him because he’s simply not someone I am attracted to or ever would be, and attraction is a part of most relationships. For certain, it shouldn’t be the only defining factor.
Thus, one of the first hurdles a man must pass for me to consider him a potential mate would be the “appearance test”. The singer chose the German journalist Flavio von Witzleben (who can be found on YouTube) as an example, who passed the appearance test. He’s not completely my type, but I don’t think he’s bad looking either.
There are other factors that make him attractive, such as his ability to listen to others, which I find is a rare quality in a man. I also find him likable because he comes across as quiet and introverted.
I generally think positively of his journalistic work, even though I don’t like that he seems to interview quite a few AfD supporters who mostly seem to claim that the AfD isn’t a dangerous party or that we don’t need to be afraid of them (which, obviously, makes me wonder about his political opinion).
This is only a theoretical example, and one the German singer I used to date has chosen to prove that certain aspects matter, and to show how the whole process of deciding whether a man would be suitable works.
Attraction is one factor that can’t be ignored. If a man is only interested in his appearance or cares too much about a woman’s appearance, as is the case with the stalker I’ve been dealing with, he won’t be attractive to me either. Men who only care about superficial things, such as how they or others look all the time, don’t have enough self-esteem to make it onto my ‘snack list’ – oh, sorry – ‘possible mate list’. I also find them very boring.
Another first hurdle a man must pass is the “malignant narcissist test”. Most men I have gotten to know in recent years haven’t been able to pass this test. You’re a malignant narcissist, but attractive? Well, goodbye!
Of course, in any kind of relationship, attraction should be mutual. It works like this: A man finds a woman attractive, and the same woman finds the same man attractive. If they also like other aspects that are important to them, they can then choose to date if they want to.
However, if only the man finds the woman attractive but the woman thinks the man is unattractive, or if the woman finds the man attractive but the man thinks the woman is unattractive, they usually wouldn’t date.
I mention this because the sociopathic stalker I’ve been dealing with for years claims that he is incredibly sexy and attractive, and that I do like him and his appearance, when in reality, I don’t. He has even used different methods of dark psychology to try and change my subconscious beliefs about him. This is not a basis for a relationship. He’s not in the pool of men I would ever consider dating, as I don’t find him attractive at all (not to mention his mental illness!), but he still pretends he is. I guess it would be too big a blow to his fragile ego to accept that I find him ugly and that this will never change, which is why he feels the need to gaslight me into saying I find him attractive and sexy. Let me be clear: I find him ugly. His issue with my opinion of him has been ongoing, as he constantly tries to manipulate me into seeing him in a favorable light. My opinion will never change, but instead of accepting this and moving on to another woman who would appreciate him, he has tried to create a false reality—casting me as an actress in a fantasy where we are in love and a couple. He can’t distinguish reality from his delusions and has used various manipulative psychological tactics on me, many of which are reminiscent of the experiments Nazis conducted on Jews during WWII.
Some men will try to create fake profiles where they mask their real appearance. These men, including the stalker who initially did this, should be avoided, as should men who are MEMs, or mother-enmeshed-sons. These are the men who are still married to their mothers. FEMs, father-enmeshed sons, are also men I avoid. With these men, you will never be a real partner because they have made one of their parents their partner.
My Chinese ex-husband was an extreme example of a MEM, as are many Chinese men in general. I thought he wasn’t when I initially met him, which was the only reason I started dating him. If I had known he would turn out to be a MEM, I would have probably run for the Guangdong hills within the first weeks of dating! It is common for a Chinese mother-in-law to move in with you while dating, during your marriage, or when you are about to or are having kids. Some Chinese men may even still share their bed with their mothers, thinking there’s nothing wrong with that.
These mothers are usually severely co-dependent and don’t have a well-defined personality.
I once told my ex-husband: “I feel like your mother is watching us when we are having sex!” This was after having her turn up in our bedroom and stay there to watch us as a couple for the umpteenth time. He was running around half-naked, wearing only his underpants, and she would wash them for him frequently! She also inquired about my menstruation a lot and asked him about our sex life. I assume she was probably the main reason my ex-husband completely stopped having sex with me (thank God he did; I didn’t know he was having affairs with 18-year-old girls behind my back and visiting Chinese prostitutes at the time).
While it used to be normal for my Chinese ex-husband and me to do things as a couple during the years that we were living alone, his mother soon forced her way into our marriage in such a way that she could replace me as his wife. My Chinese ex-husband, who didn’t resist, soon became her “husband”, and they did many things together, including parenting our kids like a couple instead of him parenting our kids with me.
This led to many fights, but once his mother had established herself as his “wife” and the “mother of our children”, his behavior never returned to how it had been at the beginning of our relationship when we made decisions together and spent time as a couple.
In his book When He’s Married to Mom, Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D. (with Alexander P. Morgan) writes the following about these men:
“Over the course of my twenty-five years of clinical practice, I have worked with and successfully treated hundreds of men who have excessive emotional ties to their mothers. They feel trapped, guilty, and disloyal when attempting to follow their own wishes and lead their own lives. I refer to this syndrome as mother-son enmeshment; those who suffer from it are mother-enmeshed men, MEM for short. … Most close relationships between mothers and sons are not enmeshed relationships. The key distinction is that, in a healthy mother-son connection, the son’s needs are being addressed, and the mother meets her own needs for emotional support and companionship elsewhere. In an enmeshed relationship, the mother uses her son for emotional support and companionship. He learns to focus on keeping her satisfied.”
Sometimes, this kind of enmeshment is easy to recognize; other times, it may appear in more subtle ways. One of the ways it shows is when your husband talks about his mother all the time. My ex used to do this until I had to put up some very strong boundaries with him, which, of course, he blamed me for.
Almost every second sentence that came out of his mouth was about his mother! This is a good sign that a man is severely enmeshed with his mother. When he constantly says: “My mother said this…” or “My mother wants this…” or “The way my mother sees this is…,” this is a strong indicator that your husband is a MEM.
When your mother-in-law leaves her own husband behind and moves into your home to live with your husband, that’s another warning sign that you’re dealing with a MEM.
The pattern of MEM can also jump a generation. Mothers who have an enmeshed relationship with their sons may later do the same with their grandsons. I have experienced this in my own life.
Her grandsons will learn from a very young age that her needs are the only ones that matter, and they need to keep her happy, satisfied, and spend time exclusively with her. All of her grandsons’ free time will have to be spent with her, and if they spend it with someone else, she will become jealous and manipulative to get her way and ensure they spend time only with her.
A woman who acts this way may do a lot for her son and grandsons, and she may even help her daughter-in-law, but it’s usually attached to an ulterior motive: making her son and grandsons completely dependent on her and ensuring they spend their lives with her, rather than truly considering the needs of these men and boys—or her daughter-in-law.
Kenneth M. Adams has observed a clear profile for mother-enmeshed men. One fundamental characteristic is what he calls the “Disloyalty Bind”: “In his unconscious—and sometimes conscious—mind, a mother-enmeshed man (MEM) is representing his mother’s interests, while his own have become secondary. If he does something he thinks she wouldn’t like, he feels disloyal to her. If he ‘gets serious’ about a woman, suddenly, without understanding why, he is overwhelmed with feelings of fear, anxiety, and guilt. Ambivalence and withdrawal inevitably follow.”
In my experience, the Disloyalty Bind also means that this man will be loyal to his mother at the cost of being disloyal to you.
In China, there is a well-known question people frequently ask: “If both women were drowning at the same time, would you rescue your mother or your wife?” Most Western men usually answer they would rescue their wife, while the Chinese men asked said they would rescue their mother.
Kenneth M. Adams describes how he had to tell one of his clients that she only had two options regarding her husband: accommodate or break up.
I experienced having to make the same decision. Before I did so, I gave my ex-husband an ultimatum. Because my ex-husband’s MEM pattern was so extreme and unhealthy—bordering on emotional incest—in the end, I found myself with only one option left: to break up.
Kenneth M. Adams goes on to write: “When a man is excessively bonded with his mother, what happens when he is looking for a wife? There are several common patterns; Sonny’s story is one of the most common. He meets Anne, and initially, he idealizes her. He cherishes her. He sweeps her off her feet. In this initial stage of courting, he is projecting onto Anne the very solicitous way he had learned to deal with his mother when he was a little boy. Then he discovers (unconsciously; he doesn’t realize what is happening) that this new woman is competition for his mother, and the woman’s got to go. Anne was once the object of his adoration. Now she becomes the object of his rejection. Naturally, she is devastated and confused. If she fights back by asking for clarity and commitment, he feels he’s being pressured to be disloyal to his mother.”
This discovery can also stem from his mother. In the case of my ex-husband, something similar happened, but it was his mother who decided I was competition for her. She believed she needed to get rid of me and force me out of her son’s and grandsons’ lives forever, no matter the personal cost, so that she would be the only woman in their lives.
Were you ever married to a man who turned out to be a MEM?