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China Elevator Stories
From Kiss to Commitment: Cultural Differences in Dating and Relationships
Different cultural perceptions of what an action means can lead to cultural misunderstandings.
08/04/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Sometimes, our actions carry one connotation in our own culture, but a very different one in another.
Paul Watzlawick once described how differing cultural connotations of certain actions led to misunderstandings in dating—particularly between Americans and British people. When American soldiers were stationed in the UK during or after WWII, misunderstandings arose despite both groups speaking English as their first language. These weren’t due to language barriers, but rather to differences in the meanings assigned to specific actions.
If I remember correctly, one such difference was around romantic intimacy: American soldiers often assumed that kissing a woman meant they were now in a relationship, and that sex implied serious commitment or the intent to marry. British women, however, didn’t necessarily share that interpretation (or was it the other way around). As a result, these couples often married quickly—much faster than couples where both partners were British.
I’m recalling this story from memory, as I no longer remember the title of the book—I read Watzlawick’s work on cross-cultural communication back in high school—so I apologize if I don’t recall every detail accurately. I hope it was Watzlawick who wrote this book, and not someone else. Still, the core idea is clear: cultural differences between the two groups, especially in the context of dating, led to misinterpretations of each other’s actions, shaped by their own cultural norms.
A similar cultural disconnect can arise in relationships between Western women and Chinese men. For a Western woman, kissing or having sex might simply reflect affection or the desire to explore a relationship, with no expectation of long-term commitment. She might see dating as a process—something that can end if it’s not working out. A Chinese man, on the other hand, may interpret physical intimacy as a clear sign of serious intent—sometimes even a willingness to marry. While some Chinese men may be interested only in casual encounters, others may view such intimacy as the start of a lifelong commitment.
As a Western woman, I’d therefore advise caution when initiating physical intimacy with a Chinese man unless you’re clear about your intentions—and ideally, his as well. This doesn’t mean that kissing or having sex with someone is wrong, but it may be misunderstood. In some cases, he may see it as a declaration of commitment and expect a relationship to follow immediately—potentially including marriage and children.
My ex-husband, for example, believed that once we had sex, we were officially a couple and would eventually marry and have children. (He did ask me if I wanted kids, but some Chinese men might not—they may simply state that’s how it’s going to be.) He wasn’t the first Chinese man I’d met who brought up engagement or children early on; others had done the same. That’s not to say only Chinese men have these expectations—men from other cultures, such as Germany, may also assume that sex implies a committed relationship. (That was the case with the singer I was dating.) In these situations, the idea of “seeing where things go” may not be considered an option.
Of course, many of these issues can be resolved through open communication. But not everyone is transparent—some people (men and women alike) may withhold their true expectations, whether intentionally or not. Narcissists, in particular, may avoid open communication altogether, rushing into relationships without making their intentions clear.
When I met my ex-husband, he didn’t directly express interest in dating. He asked a few personal questions—like whether I had a boyfriend—and was often joking and flirting with me (though in a friendly, not overly forward way), but he never clearly stated his intentions. In Chinese dating culture, having a boyfriend may not necessarily deter a man if he’s genuinely interested. If he believes your relationship with another man is failing, he might even encourage you to break up on the spot to be with him instead—or he might suggest it even if you tell him the relationship is going well.
But beware—a man who moves quickly toward marriage and children isn’t necessarily not a cheater. It might feel flattering when someone expresses a strong desire to marry you and have children, but you may later realize he never intended to stay loyal. Some men—like my ex-husband—can remain extremely possessive, even while cheating or after the divorce. Their behavior can seriously mess with your mind. You think, We’re divorced now; he should allow me to move on, but then he sends messages that show just how controlling he still is. He won’t give you the space to enjoy your single life, or to heal and move on after such a deeply traumatizing experience.
Initially, when we had just met, he made some subtle, suggestive comments and asked personal questions, but nothing that revealed his true intention of wanting to be with me. So when he came over one day and ended up staying the night, I wasn’t prepared for us to suddenly be talking about engagement, marriage, and children. Still, being with him felt right at first—just a little fast.
This example shows how cultural differences in expectations can also arise between China and Austria, and they should not be underestimated. You may want to communicate expectations clearly—or try to find out your partner’s—though some people won’t make theirs obvious. Not everyone will tell you if they’re planning on getting engaged, married, or starting a family. Some won’t be direct, and others may mislead you or avoid revealing their true goals.
Of course, individual differences exist within every culture. However, the way dating works in one country can be very different from how it works in another. Knowledge is power, and in these situations, the right kind of knowledge can help you avoid getting into something you didn’t want or expect. In some cultures and for some individuals, dating can be a slow, exploratory process. In others, kissing or having sex might immediately imply commitment—or even the expectation of marriage.
It’s especially important to stay alert when dealing with narcissistic individuals, who are known to rush relationships and obscure their true intentions. Sometimes they may just want sex, while other times they may hide deeper motives. If you ask about their intentions, they might not give a clear answer—especially if their communication is vague, manipulative, or if they already have a girlfriend and are simply looking for an affair.
One Chinese man once told me he was planning to break up with his girlfriend (so he could get me into bed), knowing I wouldn’t have wanted to have sex with him if I had known he was just trying to cheat. Be aware that this is a common tactic among men seeking affairs: they claim their relationship is falling apart—or that they’ve already broken up—use that to gain your trust, and then sleep with you, only to disappear once their girlfriend finds out or comes to visit. In such scenarios, it’s clear that these men typically don’t communicate honestly or directly. Instead, they say whatever is necessary to achieve their goal—which isn’t starting a real relationship with you, but simply having an affair. If you’re looking for a genuine connection, not just a fling, you may only discover their true intentions after it’s too late.
Certainly, many men who want to cheat won’t tell you they have a girlfriend, as they know it’s easier to sleep with someone who doesn’t realize they’re already in a relationship. Some of these men may also pretend they want a relationship when they’re really only after sex, knowing that women who prefer sex within a relationship will be more willing if they believe there’s genuine romantic interest. Once they get what they want—sex—they may disappear, having never intended to pursue anything serious. Their behavior can be confusing, leaving you unsure of what they truly wanted.
If you’re just looking for sex, you might also be selective and not want to sleep with a man who is already in a committed relationship. Ideally, these details should be communicated clearly so you know what you’re dealing with, but not all men are truthful about them.
Often, a man might assume you’re in a relationship once you kiss. For others, that assumption begins after sex. It really depends on the person—but these expectations aren’t always visible at the start. And if you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t communicate directly, figuring out their true intentions can be very difficult.
Some men are blunt, and you’ll know what they expect. Others aren’t, and you’ll be left to read between the lines—sometimes across a cultural gap that makes those lines even harder to read.
Have you ever experienced these kinds of cultural misunderstandings in dating?