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China Elevator Stories
Being Discerning About Who Truly Needs Help and Who Doesn't
Narcissists like to portray themselves as needing your help, when in reality, they could easily do things themselves.
21/06/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Most people I know can spot details, see through manipulation, and tell the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic one. But not everyone operates on that level of self-awareness.
One particular stalker I have (and yes, he’s getting way too much attention on my blog—but what are you supposed to do when someone invades your life and refuses to respect your boundaries?) keeps trying to force his way into my existence, no matter what I do. He also isn’t able to differentiate between anything. Truly, ANYTHING.
He constantly claims he’s just an innocent little boy who only wants “mommy” (me) to take care of him. But when I say I want nothing to do with someone so deeply disturbed, he flips tactics—guilt trips, manipulates, and pressures. His goal? To make me give him things he has no right to.
He thinks it’s perfectly reasonable for me to hand over everything I own—my time, my relationships, my work, my projects—just so he can feel like he’s a part of my life. He doesn’t see himself as negative, even though he is deeply toxic. He ruins other people’s moods, drains their energy, and makes it nearly impossible to live a peaceful day. And when you try to pull away, he says things like:
“You’re selfish if you don’t give me this.”
“You’re egotistical and arrogant for not wanting to share your life with me.”
“You never do anything for me. You need to be more giving.”
But before we offer help to someone—especially after being used and having our life endangered by narcissists—we need to discern a few things.
1. Is this someone I have a relationship with?
Helping someone typically arises from an existing, meaningful connection. This man, however, sees himself as entitled to what I give my children. Because I buy my sons food, he thinks I should buy food for him too. Because I once lived with my children and my then-husband, he concludes I must want to live with others—specifically him. He believes I shouldn’t be allowed to have my own space or time, or close the door to my private life. But there’s a reason homes have doors. We don’t open them to anyone who demands to enter and never leave.
2. Is this person truly in need?
Narcissists often pretend to be helpless to manipulate others. But it’s usually clear whether someone truly needs help or is just exploiting you. A stalker who has no relationship with you, who never offers help in return, who even reports you to the police and harasses you to keep you trapped—is not someone you owe anything to.
3. Does this person have a conscience? Do they help others?
People who contribute nothing to the world but demand constant attention and care from others, while denying others the right to set boundaries, do not deserve our support. If someone has no conscience, no awareness, and never gives—why should you be expected to give to them?
4. Does this person treat me well?
We may help people who are truly in need—especially if they are our friends or family. But I doubt anyone would want to help a person who has abused them, raped them, or made their life a living hell in other ways.
Has this person ever been kind or caring toward you? Are they treating you like a friend—or do they see you as an enemy, while still viewing you as someone with resources they can exploit? Do they continue stalking and harassing you just to force you to hand over everything you have? In the case of this particular person, the answer is a definite no, he has never been kind and giving or caring.
I do not become friends with people who have closed hearts, who are manipulative and greedy, who lack a conscience, and who are sadistic, cruel, arrogant, and selfish—people who only ever think of themselves, never of others. I’ve had enough real friends in my life to know what true friendship looks like. Real friends give freely—not because they’re forced to, but because they care. Because they know you well enough to see that you’re a good person and that you genuinely need help.
No one can survive in a vacuum, surrounded only by enemies, with no support at all—especially not when her life is constantly endangered by malignant narcissists trying to destroy her.
But that’s very different from a malignant narcissist who is the one destroying lives—threatening others with death, trying to get people killed—and then turning around and playing the role of a helpless little boy: so innocent, so needy, as if you must now help him. As if you must give up your limited time and energy—energy you need to take care of your own issues, your responsibilities, your life.
This type of person will put himself above your children. He will consciously take away the time you need for them, the time you need to help them. And god forbid he sees you caring for your children—he’ll then demand the same treatment. Because your children are male, and he is male too, and that’s how his warped logic works.
Someone like this does not listen to reason. He does not think realistically or rationally. He becomes paranoid about who you “owe” something to, who you “should” be helping, and what he’s supposedly entitled to. But let’s be clear: a person like this isn’t even humble enough to deserve help in the first place. He’s not in true need. What he wants is to manipulate you into thinking you’re the selfish one—for not abandoning your own life and priorities for him.
He wants to consume your time, your energy, your emotional bandwidth—so you can’t focus on what truly matters. And what truly matters are your more important tasks, your real responsibilities, and your right to live freely, not as a slave to someone else’s every whim.
And no, I’m not exaggerating: I’ve had more than one person try to kill me in recent years. I know from experience that yes, there are situations in which a woman truly needs help. In fact, a woman is far more likely to need help when she is being harassed, stalked, and threatened by violent men on a consistent basis.
So when a man like this shows up—demanding I give, give, give—he is not the victim. He is not innocent. But he will still play the victim. He will act like a helpless little boy who just needs care and attention. And he will not allow you the right to spend your time how you see fit.
If you’re a stalker who is looking for a codependent and a people-pleaser who will constantly take care of you—look elsewhere. Don’t harass me with your childish, immature, selfish behavior.
It’s effeminate to pretend you need help when you don’t. It’s conscienceless and callous to act this way—especially when you know I have more serious problems to deal with, and that I have no obligation to pay any attention to you. You aren’t the center of my life, and you have no right to remain in it.
In fact, I don’t want to give you my attention at all—yet you keep forcing me to. You’re boring, unimportant, and have no place in my life. Stop demanding my attention. It leaves me without purpose, and turns my life into something endlessly dull. Let’s not bore ourselves to death over someone who never deserved any attention in the first place and isn’t truly important.
No man who behaves like this is deserving of my help, my presence, or any place in my life—especially after everything toxic and damaging I’ve already experienced from him.
5. Does this person ask for reasonable things—or are their demands completely out of line?
A person might be a family member who asks you to help with their child. That could be seen as reasonable, especially if they’re truly in need of help.
But with regards to other people who are demanding certain things from you—are you in a give-give relationship, where both people contribute? Or is it one-sided—where one gives and the other only takes?
If someone only ever takes, every second of their life, without ever giving or helping in return, they shouldn’t be surprised when others decline to help them. You can’t expect support from someone you’ve never supported, never respected, never offered anything to freely.
Some people make extreme demands—far beyond what is reasonable. For instance, someone might say they told your stalker to leave you alone, and in return, expect sex. But let’s be clear: telling someone to stop harassing a woman is the bare minimum. It’s basic decency. No one deserves a reward for doing the absolute minimum, and especially not a sexual favor. That kind of “exchange” is not just unreasonable—it’s sick, disrespectful, and abusive.
Some don’t stop at one demand—they escalate. They might demand sex multiple times a day, expect to live in your home, ask you to cut off contact with your children, and even want you to brew them coffee in the morning as a “thank you” for devaluing you, harassing you, and calling you degrading names like “whore” or “parasite.” They show no respect for your space, your right to peace, or the basic fact that you are a human being—vulnerable, not invincible, and not endlessly resourced. You’re not someone who owes your energy, home, or time to anyone who demands it—especially not to a stalker who is actively destroying your life and sees no issue with stealing what doesn’t belong to him.
A person this corrupt, immoral, and delusional is not someone who deserves help. I know very well what reasonable help looks like.
When a grown adult I have no relationship with demands things from me—without any regard for my rights, privacy, or consent—that is not someone I owe anything to. I may help a stranger in real need. If I saw someone sitting on a windowsill about to jump, I would call for help, or speak to them directly if I could. Because in that moment, the person is truly helpless and needs support. I wouldn’t overthink it, and I wouldn’t expect anything in return.
A narcissist, by contrast, either refuses to help unless it benefits them—or helps only so they can demand horrific things in return. When they say they need help, what they really mean is: “Give me something unreasonable that I feel entitled to, regardless of what it costs you.” Their demands are often excessive, absurd, or flat-out insane.
People like this have never learned to respect other people’s boundaries. They don’t understand what respect means, or that others are not obligated to meet their every whim. They believe that if they want something in the moment, you’re responsible for supplying it—no matter what it costs you.
And the truth is: you’re not.
6. Do I even have time or energy to help?
Sometimes we’re already carrying a heavy load—and often, that load includes the chaos these very people have created in our lives. I have obligations to others and can’t help every stranger who crosses my path just because that’s what he wants. Helping someone who has no respect, who manipulates and makes endless demands, who thinks what’s mine is automatically his? That’s not someone I would help—because he doesn’t deserve it.
This man never gives—he only takes. Over time, he grows greedier, invading every aspect of my life and trying to gain importance by clinging to me. And no, I’m not flattered by someone trying to feel significant just because they’re somehow connected to me. That’s not flattering—it’s embarrassing. If you want to be someone, become that person yourself. Don’t steal what belongs to someone else.
As you can see, before we help someone, especially after dealing with malignant narcissists who only threw us under the bus, we learn to be cautious. These people are not self-aware. They are cruel, greedy, and entitled, demanding things they haven’t earned. When someone like this insists they’re kind, friendly, and innocent—while demanding complete access to your life—you know you’re dealing with someone severely disturbed.
There’s absolutely nothing I need to provide for this person, no matter how hard he tries to force me.
Have you ever been used for your kindness, your achievements, or your ressources?