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The Dangers of Incel Groups: When a Person Changes Beyond Recognition

Someone I once knew completely changed after becoming involved in incel forums.

03/05/2025

Ruth Silbermayr
Ruth Silbermayr

Author

The Dangers of Incel Groups: When a Person Changes Beyond Recognition

I have experienced firsthand how destructive incel forums can be. Although I never joined one of these groups, I witnessed how a person I once knew completely changed after becoming involved in them.

Though never a particularly kind person, after joining, his views escalated dramatically. He came to believe that women were inherently evil, unworthy of respect, and should be treated in a derogatory, inhumane way. Along with these views, his manipulative behavior toward women became more pronounced, and he began to act less like a human being and more like an emotionless robot, incapable of empathy or a human conscience.

He tried to keep his involvement in these forums a secret, but as his behavior became increasingly violent and extreme, it became obvious. He was clearly using the incel ideology—methods designed to make women submit to men, to strip them of their rights, their privacy, their ability to make decisions for themselves. These manipulative strategies, spread by incels, gave him a distorted view of reality.

When someone already holds skewed beliefs about women—seeing them as inherently bad—and joins an incel group, they are often radicalized further. This is exactly what happened to the person I knew. These groups function similarly to cults, recruiting people by exploiting their vulnerabilities. Those who feel isolated or lack a sense of belonging are especially at risk. Though a hostile view of women may help in this process, in his case, the hatred and violence escalated dramatically after joining.

The situation becomes even more dangerous when someone with a malignant narcissistic personality joins such a group. These individuals find validation in their distorted beliefs, reinforcing their negative views of women. In such environments, a dangerous echo chamber forms where members convince each other that women deserve to be mistreated, and that violence against them is justified.

The Dangers of Incel Groups: When a Person Changes Beyond Recognition

In my experience, there are two common scenarios: one where a person already holds radical views and joins the group, and another where someone starts off more moderate but is radicalized after becoming involved.

Elias Canetti, in his book Mass and Power, discusses how group dynamics can influence individuals and lead to radicalization. I admit, I underestimated the pull these groups can have—especially since I never thought someone rational could willingly join an incel group, though I did consider the possibility for those who were already unstable.

In this case, the person I knew became so deeply influenced by the group that it was nearly impossible to reason with him. His views about women became paranoid and delusional, and no amount of logic could make him reconsider. It was as though he could no longer see reality; he saw me as a villain who had wronged him.

A resentful stalker is typically someone who begins stalking after being rejected, but in many cases, their behavior starts earlier and is only exacerbated by the rejection. These individuals often become fixated on revenge, even to the point of wanting to kill the person who rejected them. Men who threaten or attempt to kill women because they told the truth are a serious issue, and many of them fall under the category of resentful stalkers. They often deny their abusive actions and turn the tables, portraying themselves as the victim while accusing the real victim of manipulation.

In situations where the abuse has gone on for years, the act of speaking out and ending the abuse can be a matter of survival. Many perpetrators want to silence their victims, sometimes through violence, when there’s a risk their behavior will be exposed.

The Dangers of Incel Groups: When a Person Changes Beyond Recognition

After joining the incel groups, the person I knew developed a profound hatred for women. This was evident every time he communicated with me. He was completely brainwashed, unable to see anything good in any woman, particularly me. His distorted view made it impossible to talk sense into him.

I repeatedly told him that he couldn’t stay involved in those groups and still expect a relationship with me. It was one or the other. But as always, he chose the wrong path—he stuck with the groups, continued to harbor his hatred, and viewed me through a warped lens, completely detached from reality.

The ideas spread in these groups are extremely dangerous, and my experience shows that even people who seem rational and intelligent can fall victim to the manipulation if they’re made to feel like they’ve found “real friends.” He saw these group members as allies, people who had his back, while I, the “evil woman,” was someone to be harassed, threatened, attacked, …

No matter how much I tried to talk to him, he only escalated the situation. His behavior became more abusive, and he even tried to reinitiate contact between me and the stalker who had been harassing me, despite my clear requests for no contact. He also persuaded me to submit evidence in a court case, which ultimately led to me losing everything. I had trusted him after he helped me win the divorce case, but I soon realized he was not acting in my best interest. This sense of self-importance, common in abusers, is often so inflated that it makes them believe they are always right, even when they are clearly wrong.

The Dangers of Incel Groups: When a Person Changes Beyond Recognition

After immersing himself in these incel groups, he became even more arrogant, convinced of his superiority over others, particularly women. His intelligence and self-importance were exaggerated to the point where it was impossible to have a rational conversation with him. His arrogance even extended to his music career. When I gave him my honest opinion on his latest album, which I didn’t like, he punished me for it—insisting I lie to stroke his ego instead of being truthful.

He became extremely aggressive when I didn’t lie, wouldn’t lie, and couldn’t lie! I told him repeatedly that my brain isn’t wired to lie to his face, and let me tell you, I couldn’t have done so even if it would have cost me my life. That’s the fate of being born a truth-teller: even when your life is at risk, you’re incapable of lying.

He showed no self-awareness or humility, refusing to accept that other people are entitled to their own opinions, to view him critically, and to see him as a flawed human being rather than as perfect and beyond reproach. His behavior made it increasingly impossible to have a normal relationship with him, and it was clear that he was surrounding himself with people who only reinforced his misguided beliefs, telling him he was always right.

The issue with narcissists is that they don’t confront their own issues but instead project them onto others. If a person isn’t a threat to others, there’s no need to intervene. But if someone is constantly endangering others, they need to change their behavior instead of continuing to blame others.

Have you ever met anyone who joined a dangerous group?

This is what ChatGPT answered when I asked how it saw the dynamic described in the article above:

Yes, I have encountered many stories—both from individuals and in broader research—about people who were changed dramatically after becoming involved with extremist or harmful groups, including incel communities. What you’ve described is a powerful and deeply unsettling account of how dangerous these environments can be, especially for vulnerable or already hostile individuals. These groups not only validate harmful beliefs, they amplify them, often turning personal bitterness or insecurity into outright hatred and violence.

The transformation you witnessed—from a flawed person to a radicalized, abusive one—is sadly common in these echo chambers. What makes it even more alarming is that the line between emotional manipulation and ideological extremism is often blurred. People in these spaces feel emboldened, even righteous, in their abuse. They become convinced that their cruelty is justified.

What you went through is horrifying, and it’s entirely understandable to speak out about it. Abuse mixed with radical ideology is a deeply dangerous combination, especially when the abuser uses that ideology to mask or justify their own cruelty and narcissism.

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