articles
China Elevator Stories
The Psychology of Entitled Men: Stalking, Mooching, and Control
When you encounter an incel, run!
16/02/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
When I asked ChatGPT to translate the German word „Trittbrettfahrer,“ it offered five different translations:
- Free rider – Often used in economic or social contexts when someone benefits from the efforts of others without contributing themselves.
- Freeloader – A more colloquial term for someone who lives at the expense of others or takes advantage of them.
- Copycat – Used when someone imitates ideas or concepts.
- Moocher – Very informal, often referring to someone who constantly expects things from others without giving anything in return.
- Hanger-on – Describes someone who clings to a successful person or group to gain advantages.
With a sociopathic stalker I’ve had (sorry: am having), all five apply.
Free Rider
As a free rider, he has tried to profit from my projects, inserting himself into them without my asking, without being suitable, without a “position opening” for the role of extremely bad manager that he tried to claim, and without contributing anything positive. Instead, he offers unsolicited advice, puts me down, and tells me I’m not allowed to do anything alone or in my usual way. He has completely disrupted my natural workflow. Some projects I’ve had, he has simply “snatched out of my hands,” adjusted to his liking, and then dictated how I should proceed instead of how I originally intended. This usually results in a loss of quality and professionalism, as his way of managing life makes life unmanageable and chaotic. (People who are out of control often make other people’s lives spiral out of control when they force their way in uninvited.)
Freeloader
As a freeloader, he has tried to live at my expense. He entered my life and has refused to leave, despite my repeated requests for years. He reported me to the police after eavesdropping on my conversations regarding another stalking situation. I knew he had listened in, because he later reported me based on information from my private phone calls and a meeting with a police officer, where I was advised on how to report people who had harassed me. He used this exact information to report me. Spyware allows others to not only listen to your phone calls, a person can also turn on your microphone and listen in on private conversations without you noticing.
One particular detail he learned from those conversations was that you could file a report without giving your address (not that I care where he lives, but, as always, he employs childish tactics—reporting the woman he stalks so she can’t report him, allowing him to continue his harassment unchecked). I was shocked when I realized he had been spying on my private conversations. Since he reported me immediately after I received this advice, I knew he had listened to everything. When a perpetrator manipulates the legal system like this, it is outright abuse. Narcissists often exploit systems meant to protect victims, making it impossible for victims to use them as intended.
Not only did he not leave my life after reporting me, but he then claimed this gave him a right to remain in it—to live my life with me. He insisted I was wrong for trying to report him and for trying to remove him from my life. He also tries to live my life as if it were his own—any project I start, he tries to gain access, then either takes over, criticizes (usually in a condescending way, portraying me as incompetent), or ruins it entirely when he can’t get his way. He wants to mine me for superficial things—forcing his involvement in my projects, refusing to let me work alone. If that fails, he sabotages them by hacking my accounts, deleting content, or altering my work.
Recently, he has escalated to intimidation, making horrific threats unless I submit to his blackmail demands—unless I pretend to love him, flatter him, and stop being so “selfish” as to take time for myself. No woman who spends time alone is selfish; that is a gross misunderstanding of the term. (Then again, his logic is so flawed that he equates introversion with low self-esteem. You must be kidding me. If you’ve ever tried to argue that the moon is yellow, and someone insisted it was purple, you know exactly what I mean.)
Copycat
I realized he has no well-defined personality. When meeting people, I usually observe whether they have a personality—it’s easy to converse with those who do, but those who don’t are draining to be around. They merely mimic others, chase shallow activities, and pressure you into superficial interests. If you dislike small talk or a meaningless existence, they’ll try to force you into a role where you must care about shopping, Instagram influencers, and fashion trends. (For the record, I’m not remotely interested in these topics, and I think the most stylish look for a man is a simple black T-shirt and jeans.)
Such men copy whatever is trendy once they see someone else doing it—but is that really self-confidence? I don’t think so. You can usually feel whether someone has a distinct personality or if they’re just mimicking influencers (which often makes them look painfully ridiculous).
He has also stolen content and copied it uncreatively, then pressured me to adopt his rushed, chaotic way of working—constantly claiming I was too slow. (Please, drink a barrel of the Bach Flower Impatiens, because others don’t want to feel stressed, intimidated, or pressured by your frantic behavior (and your fanatic behavior). Not everyone is a fan of hustle culture or little dictators trying to control everything—then insisting that what is bad and unprofessional is actually good, the ‘better’ way, and the only way of doing things.
This is someone who never allows others to take their time and never allows me to work alone, as if it were his right to remain in my life, stalk me, harass me, and ultimately destroy me.
(Have you ever had a stalker stare at you while you illustrate? And then constantly criticize your work, your appearance, and your technique—claiming he knows better even though he is not an illustrator?)
If someone doesn’t like my illustrations, they don’t have to look at them. I’m not forcing anyone to like them. I enjoy illustrating; I find it meditative when noone interferes, and I believe that creative work is a contribution to our world. I don’t claim to be a genius illustrator—I simply believe illustrations add value to a blog post. And no, I don’t care whether others like my illustrations or not. I also don’t care if my illustrations look completely perfect or not. I’m not looking for external approval; I honestly do not care what others think!
If someone doesn’t like them, so be it. But don’t linger here just to tell me how horrific I am for illustrating, or how selfish and egotistical I must be for doing so (as if my illustrations are about to make me a billionaire, outshining everyone else financially, because that is what usually happens when illustrators illustrate, which is why they need to be stopped, lol).
Illustrating is an activity that needs to be done ALONE! This is not group work. It is not something that needs to be done in a group with this stalker—someone who constantly claims I am excluding him from some imaginary group that he himself has invented and forced me into.
Oh, the hell! People don’t want to be in cults, following someone who acts like a cult leader. Leave them alone already! Groups are not some twisted excuse for a stalker to meet up with his victim, force her into unwanted interactions, and then insist that she’s part of a so-called ‘group’ she’s not allowed to leave—and that he can never be removed from.
That is NOT what a group is. There are social norms as to what a group is and how groups work. Normally, people ask others if they want to meet up. Those who say yes can participate. Those who don’t say yes, or don’t want to be part of some delusional, unhealthy dynamic, are not automatically members of a ‘group’—especially not one involving an incel they are then supposedly never allowed to leave.
This person has also done other revolting things to sabotage my ability to make a living. A woman has the right to pursue her projects and dreams, and no man has the right to stop her.
Moocher
He is also a moocher. Oh, these are the worst kinds! Ever been in mutual relationships where the man was the man and the woman was the woman, and you weren’t dealing with some kind of effeminate, passive pussy man (sorry for the choice of words, I don’t know if there is a professional term for such a man, but there’s definitely something wrong with a man who tries to make you take on the role of the man and the provider and then thinks he’s doing some good deed to the world simply by having been born with a penis)?
In the past, you went on dates, and the man treated you to coffee or dinner at a restaurant? My first boyfriend was definitely not a moocher. But it also wasn’t like I wasn’t giving—there was a give and receive, as was the case in my marriage as well (that one turned more into a “I have to give” and “he doesn’t” in the end though, I have personally experienced the difference between a man who is giving and one who isn’t and know how it feels).
My first boyfriend enjoyed going on coffee dates, and since I didn’t have much pocket money (I was still at school at that time), he treated me to coffee (it wasn’t so much about the coffee, but about enjoying time together and getting to know each other better). I wouldn’t have minded not going to a café, but he enjoyed it and knew the social norm, which is that a man treats his girlfriend on dates.
If you don’t have money for dates, don’t expect to get a girlfriend—especially at 32, which is still a few years younger than the minimum age I would ever consider for a boyfriend. (Of course, there were other factors that would have naturally excluded him anyway, but he is someone who denies reality and ignores external factors and certain rules.)
This particular man lied about his age and various other facts about himself. A man like that is naturally excluded from the pool of men I would ever date—but don’t ever tell him that, because he’ll just come up with new, absurd ways to talk down to you and silence your voice. It’s like being constantly screamed at without even getting the chance to say ‘no’ or counter his accusations.
Breathing? Forget it. There’s no time for that with someone who relentlessly stresses others out, ignoring their needs while focusing only on his own.
This stalker thinks he is entitled to being with me but doesn’t think he should have to treat me to anything or contribute in any other way. If he does pretend to contribute, he’ll then usually use it to blackmail me incessantly—not that what he offers is actually needed or wanted. Usually, you’d be doing something alone, and he’d insert himself into the activity unasked for and then claim you needed his help (he does so in a way that ruins all the fun, sabotages all your projects so you can’t get anything done and so that you can’t get ahead in your life, and I mean, who wants to be stalked anyway?). Later, he may then claim he wrote your blog post or he was drawing your illustration. I mean, no wonder he can’t find a woman! Which woman likes not being treated to a coffee or a tea and having everything stolen from her?
Then, he also claims that I don’t understand social norms and am selfish to ask that a man leaves her alone and stops harassing her. Not that I would go on a date with him, but you know what I mean. He hangs around at home visiting incel forums, and then complains that all women are evil narcissists who only use men, but expects them to pay for him, to tell him how great he is, and to appreciate his efforts of stalking her (“spending time with her,” or otherwise inserting himself into her life in a very uncomfortable, socially unacceptable way—living your relationships instead of you, contacting everyone you used to have contact with, talking about people in your life as though they were his friends, not yours). He’ll also expect that a woman is okay with this kind of insane behavior and that you aren’t worthy of respectful treatment.
If you can’t treat a woman to coffee, well guess what, you won’t get a girlfriend (if that is what you want). Or at least, not one who doesn’t date a man who doesn’t treat a woman to a coffee. Once you tell him that this is not how society works, he’ll blame it all back on you, telling you that you’re an outsider who doesn’t understand anything, who misjudges everything incorrectly, and that he is all-knowledgeable with regards to relationships and social norms (yes, because for sure, real sociopaths understand social norms and social behavior and are able to discern what is normal behavior and what isn’t).
Now, if you ask me, a man who doesn’t treat me to coffee (using his own money, not mine) simply won’t be able to progress to a level of being my boyfriend, because there are enough men who do. So why would I choose a man who doesn’t (who is also not good-looking and a mentally ill, delusional person with an ego as big as the moon), when there is no scarcity of men who do? I’ve also been labeled a financial abuser by him, and the pity party he threw because I mentioned I wouldn’t ever date a man who didn’t treat a woman to even coffee was really adorable. I was put down horrifically simply because I was stating that these were normal behaviors a woman could expect from a man (in Central European countries, anyway). I don’t mind being single (actually, I enjoyed it back when strangers weren’t constantly claiming I had no right to be single and enjoy it, and then claiming they were now my boyfriend because I was single and didn’t have one), but if I get into a relationship with a man, the energy of love has to flow naturally. That means the man has to pay for coffee, because that is a common way for men to show love for their woman—not selfish behavior on the part of the woman.
There were also other very selfish behaviors; the list is longer than a roll of toilet paper. Ever told a stalker that his stalking made you uncomfortable, only for him to up his stalking and spying and not let go? Yeah, life’s great! Anyways, I am a slut, an egotistical person who cares about no one else, and a narcissist—a covert one—and a psychopath, according to this person. Surely, what’s up is being turned down and what’s down is being turned up. When you are forced to communicate with a person like this, Canada is the North Pole, Laos is Chile, and penguins roam the streets of Austria.
He calls me selfish for rejecting his harassment. He lurks in incel forums, blaming women for his failures while demanding that they cater to his needs, flatter him, and tolerate his intrusions. If you tell him this isn’t how society works, he’ll gaslight you—claiming you misunderstand, that he is the authority on social norms. (As if sociopaths are known for their social awareness.)
Hanger-On
He is also a hanger-on. When he realized I was dating a famous German singer, he tried to insert himself into my life, copying the singer’s behavior and attempting to become him. (Not that I ever set out to date a famous singer—it happened coincidentally. I had been listening to his music and really enjoyed his songs, especially the lyrics, but he had been reading my blog.)
The stalker mimicked various things the singer did, making it painfully obvious that he had no unique personality. He was constantly trying to appear as someone else rather than being comfortable with who he was. And who is he? Not famous. Not a manager. Not some kind of successful man who can get any woman he wants. Not even someone capable of leading a healthy relationship—or an unhealthy one.
This is extremely creepy, insane behavior. I can literally feel that I am just an object being used by this incel for his own conscienceless goals. People who act this way often fall into the category of celebrity stalkers—which he does. He seems to believe that by being around me, he will somehow start shining too. He sees me as a very powerful, extremely famous blogger (which, in his mind, is why I must be destroyed, attacked, and have my life ruined). Ha! Not that I’m that famous or powerful, of course, nor do I pretend to be.
But you get it—when someone unsuccessful tries to mine another person’s success, or otherwise profit from merely knowing that person. I never thought I’d attract a celebrity stalker, but apparently, even a tiny little blogger like me is enough for someone suffering from delusional thinking—someone who can’t live a real life with real people.
If you’re a blogger in a similar situation, you have my deepest sympathies. It’s one of the most horrific things any blogger can experience: being used for your blog. Being misidentified—not as a human being worthy of respect—but as nothing more than a tool for someone else’s selfish gain.
Love means acceptance. It does not mean trying to change someone so completely that they no longer recognize themselves. If you are constantly harassed and punished simply for being yourself, you’re dealing with a malignant narcissist. These are the kinds of people who are never satisfied with anything, who must destroy another person’s happiness, who can’t just let others live and let live. They refuse to allow others to be independent, autonomous human beings who live life their own way.
I am not religious, but I think Anselm Gruen (video in German) expresses it very well: Don’t waste your time on a superficial person, and if they start wasting yours, flush them out of your life as soon as you realize who they are.
We’re not meant to live a meaningless existence—we are meant to enjoy life and build mutual relationships based on give and take. A woman is allowed to be feminine and more passive than a man (particularly if she is an introvert, which is a passive energy). She shouldn’t have to take on the role of provider for a man she doesn’t even find attractive or likable in the first place (one she doesn’t actually know at all). Nor should she be forced into masculine energy—having to provide for him, take care of him, or become proactive and chase him.
The one thing that comes to mind when dealing with this person is: “He’s got it all wrong.”
Clearly, I have dated men who knew how to treat a woman on dates, and I don’t need to lower my standards to a level beneath me (and neither should you, dear reader).
Have you ever dealt with someone who was completely disconnected from reality?
On a side note:
I had disabled comments for the past few years due to stalking. I’ve now reactivated them on all posts, so feel free to leave a comment at the bottom of the page. Please stay polite and respectful in your comments, or I will have to delete them!
