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China Elevator Stories
What Is Financial Abuse?
Financial abuse is common not only in relationships but also in various other scenarios.
19/11/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
It is most commonly known to occur in marriages, and I have personally experienced it in my own marriage.
In his book Broken Relationships: Encountering Financial Abuse in Marriage, Oscar J. Starr III describes financial abuse as follows:
“Financial abuse is a tactic used to exert power and control within a relationship, often manifesting through various manipulative actions. This form of abuse can encompass a range of behaviors, such as withholding money, bank statements, credit cards, and other financial resources. By restricting access to financial means, an abuser seeks to assert dominance and manipulate their spouse or partner. (…) In many cases of financial abuse, the perpetrator utilizes money as a tool to maintain a position of power over their partner. By controlling the financial resources within the relationship, the abuser limits the victim’s autonomy and independence, fostering a dynamic of dependency and control.”
I have also experienced financial abuse from other men who have tried to put me in a position where I am unable to get ahead in my life because of their sabotage of my career. This kind of abuse, where finances are impacted indirectly, is called economic abuse. Sabotaging a woman’s career so she cannot get ahead is a common behavior of narcissistic men, and I have encountered it from both people I knew and those I did not know.
While experiencing financial abuse in a marriage is common, women are at a higher risk of experiencing it when they have children with their partner, which places them in a much more vulnerable financial position. I have also experienced extreme financial abuse from men who were jealous of my blogging and writing career. I’m not a famous blogger who gets millions of views, but once my blog achieved some success within my niche, the sabotage and blocking in my life by people targeting my success and income increased exponentially. At the same time, the number of people who entered my life to exploit me for their superficial and greedy needs also increased.
According to Oscar J. Starr III, financial abuse
“often goes unrecognized, hiding in the shadows of more overt forms of abuse.”
While borrowing money can be normal, especially when someone is in genuine need, financial abuse involves manipulative tactics designed to prevent the other person from advancing in life or to trap them in debt, financial crisis, or an abusive relationship. This was the case in my marriage: my ex-husband demanded that I give him half of my salary each month and cover the rent so he could purchase an apartment in his name, which he later transferred to his mother’s name to avoid asset division in a divorce. He also refused to contribute to groceries, clothing, or other necessities for our children, instead spending money to treat students he was having affairs with to lunches or dinners at restaurants.
His death threats and coercion were extreme, and I found myself isolated with him and his family in Northeast China, with no easy way out of this situation.
He had planned it this way. Later, he sold the apartment once he had “gotten rid of me” and shared none of the finances with me. In the meantime, I lost everything: thousands of euros, my children, and more, finding myself unable to make ends meet. Many women have found themselves in similar situations; it is a common occurrence, not an uncommon one. I also contributed financially to his car—a car I didn’t use much—which he still drives.
Having experienced various forms of financial abuse, I can now easily detect the signs. If you have ever experienced it, you may also find it easy to identify these signs. In my case, my ex-husband forced me to pay off his debt, claiming he had incurred it by opening his pizza shop. Because we were still married, I felt I had to support him financially, as the law requires. In reality, I don’t know if he was genuinely in debt. His family owned several apartments and had sold one a few years into our marriage.
He made sure not to tell me how much he earned, and when I asked him certain questions, he became violent and threatening, saying the police would imprison him if I didn’t pay back his debt. I frequently asked him to show me proof of his income, but he never did. He claimed to have debt, but I had no way to prove whether this was true.
In recent years, I have adopted a frugal lifestyle, cutting down on every possible expense to avoid amassing debt while living on a low income, paying child support, and covering other bills.
Have you ever experienced financial abuse?