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China Elevator Stories
When Narcissists Study Tools Like Hypnosis
Narcissists are manipulative, which can lead them to study methods of influencing others, such as hypnosis.
02/09/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
The messages in the picture read: My ex-husband—“Let’s meet up to talk then.” Me—“There’s no need for that.”
Because of our children, I need to “allow” my ex-husband to verbally abuse me over WeChat, often for hours on end. He is one of the people who may do the silent treatment for a very long time. During our marriage, it used to last for months. At that time, I was actually grateful for the silence, because at least I wasn’t shouted at or bombarded with ugly words, phrases, and lies about me.
These days, however, I receive a lot of his verbal abuse, including racist comments. When he can’t get to me directly—because I’ve told him I’m not going to listen to his abusive messages and that he can send as many as he wants, I simply won’t click on them—he delivers them through our children instead.
He has drawn them into the dynamic, constantly discussing parental responsibilities, money, and accusing me of neglect or wrongdoing. To any adult, it’s obvious these are lies. But to children, how could they know that I am not the monster he describes? To them, when their father paints me as the devil to their faces, it’s very difficult to resist believing it.
My younger son, for example, wanted to run back home to me as soon as I returned from Changchun, where I teach classes a few days each week. He didn’t consciously state that he didn’t want to stay in “narcissism hell”—which is what his dad’s place used to be. But after his father gaslit him, he didn’t dare say he wanted to stay at my place again and complied with his father not allowing him to visit me. That’s how effective the gaslighting is. If you ever see a child moving around as though in a trance, repeating what one parent has told them, you may be witnessing a form of psychological manipulation.
And here is where hypnosis comes in.
Most people think of hypnosis as something dramatic, like stage performers making people cluck like chickens, or therapists helping clients quit smoking. But in reality, hypnosis can be much harder to detect. It is not sleep, and it is not mind control in the Hollywood sense. Instead, it is a state of focused attention and reduced peripheral awareness. In this state, the brain becomes more open to suggestion—not because the hypnotist has magical power, but because the person’s critical filters are being turned off.
Scientists studying hypnosis have found that during this state, brain activity in areas related to self-awareness, attention, and decision-making changes. Neuroimaging studies show that people under hypnosis may experience shifts in the anterior cingulate cortex (linked to attention and error detection) and the prefrontal cortex (linked to executive control) (for more information, read this article by Vilfredo De Pascalis). This helps explain why someone under hypnosis might accept ideas more easily, feel detached from their body, or experience altered perceptions.
Now, in a therapeutic setting, this process is consensual and may be beneficial for releasing trauma or overcoming an addiction. But manipulators—narcissists, psychopaths, or other abusers—can imitate some of the same mechanisms without calling it hypnosis. They don’t put you into a formal trance, but they exploit the same methods without your consent or awareness.
They may use some or all of the following methods:
- Repetition of words or sentences until they bypass your critical thinking.
- Monotone or rhythmic speech that lulls the listener into a passive state.
- Intense focus, such as prolonged eye contact, that narrows your ability to get away from the hypnotist, not allowing you to look away when needed or leave the area he’s in, making you have to look back at him.
- Authoritative commands and not offering you any alternative (for example, suggesting that the only answer possible is a “yes” to everything they say, not a “no”).
Children are especially vulnerable, because their brains are naturally more suggestible. But even adults can be pulled into this altered state by someone who knows how to apply the right psychological manipulation.
If you trust someone and don’t realize they are working against you, you may also be more suggestible than if you recognize them as a manipulator who wants to harm you. In that case, you can consciously remind yourself to stay away in order to stay safe.
When you’re being hypnotized, you may notice your thoughts becoming cloudy, your resistance weakening, and a strange compulsion to obey or respond, even against your better judgment. Victims sometimes describe it as being in a “fog” or on “autopilot.” Personally, I would add that it can also feel like a magnetic pull toward the abuser, even in situations where you clearly know you should stay away for your own safety.
Even when I consciously resist my ex-husband’s invitations to meet or when I don’t want to discuss something, he tries to compel me through suggestive talk, using a very specific tone of voice and vibration. In those moments, I recognize the same foggy, trance-like state described in studies of hypnosis. It is terrifying to feel your own mind and will being overridden by another person.
Because of his invitations to meet, as well as his stalking behavior, I’ve tried to keep him away from my flat by telling him I’d call the police if he came too close and by asking the receptionists downstairs not to let him up. So far, this has worked, but I never know when he might try again. He used to live in this compound, knows everyone, and still acts as if my flat is his to control.
The message in the picture from my ex-husband reads: “So, go ahead and report me to the police. Fast. I am waiting.”
Like many narcissistic exes, he’s tried to impose his rules in my home—dictating what I am “allowed” to do, sending the children to pick up “his” clothes (clothes I had kept for them as backups). He has also stored things with the receptionists, like school bags or food, for the children to collect—things they didn’t need yet but only in a months’ time. To outsiders, this may look like a parent being helpful. But in reality, it’s part of a pattern of surveillance and control.
And this is the problem: to someone dealing with a cooperative co-parent, these actions would appear harmless. But if you’re dealing with a skilled manipulator, they can be signs of stalking. He has already stalked me horrifically in the past, which is why I told him clearly that I will call the police if he violates my boundaries.
If you have ever been stalked by an ex or experienced that strange, trance-like pull that makes you feel you cannot say no, as though someone else is steering your thoughts and actions, please share your experience in the comments.
By the way, as of right now, I am dealing with three stalkers all the time. I am pretty… “pretty privileged”! Just kidding. I am very aware that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and some men may simply see a vagina on two legs when they see a woman—though I must certainly seem attractive to certain mentally ill men who constantly threaten me with rape and other forms of harm. They are overly possessive, believing I have no right to be left alone by men who naturally don’t interest me.
Unlike many other people I have met, I take stalking very seriously, since I have been stalked many times in the past. I have been stalked so often that I immediately recognize the red flags—usually months or years before others do, who think stalkers are rare and uncommon, and I have not only been stalked by one single person, but also by a few people stalking me together, which is called gang stalking, which can be very dangerous as well and extremely hard to get out of, particularly when you are alone and don’t get the support needed to get out of a stalking situation, for example because people don’t believe you or because people care about face more than they care about helping a person in need.
Most malignant narcissists I know—well, to be honest, all truly malignant narcissists I know—stalk other people. Because of my history with stalkers, I have had to escape them in many situations. This has ranged from my private life, such as avoiding a stalker who lived in my neighborhood, to fleeing from one who sat across from me in a tiny office in Vienna. That situation ultimately led to me being fired after he spread lies claiming I was imagining the stalking. As is common with narcissists, after I informed my boss of the stalking, he painted himself as the victim so he could continue stalking me.
He wouldn’t stay away, no matter what I did. Wherever I went in the company, he constantly appeared. I began taking different routes home, leaving at different times, and trying to stay in parts of the company where he was unlikely to appear — yet often, he still appeared out of nowhere. Shortly after I told my boss that I felt uncomfortable with his behavior, the stalking co-worker started using what is called DARVO, a common tactic narcissists use. I also experienced DARVO from the stalking singer, who has thrown one pity party after another after I called out his poor behavior. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. The sociopathic stalker who reported me to the police? Well, that was also watching DARVO in action.
Beyond these situations, I have also had to navigate attempts by other men to manipulate me into relationships.
Most male stalkers I know, though not all, show romantic or sexual interest in the women they target. Most of them act so socially incompetent that no sane woman would ever want to be with them, and some are, frankly, unattractive and creeps, often degrading women while being unaware of their own deficiencies in intelligence, social skills, or appearance.
All of them attempt to maintain contact through various means: spying via spyware, involving others to keep tabs on their victim, or even sending strangers to follow her. If you think stalkers are rare, let me tell you: they are not. I know this from personal experience. These people are obsessive, and while they may appear normal at first glance, closer observation usually reveals traits that are far from normal: narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism, sociopathy, sexual immaturity, traits commonly found in sexual predators, and other extreme mental disorders.
Also, beware: a stalker doesn’t stalk just anyone. They may focus on only one victim at a time, and although they may remain a stalker throughout their life, they usually do not stalk hundreds of victims simultaneously. Most are completely absorbed by the person they are stalking, though some may stalk multiple people if they are skilled at multitasking. Because of this, many people may be friends with a stalker without ever realizing it.
Stalking is particularly common in intimate romantic relationships, and may become more extreme when such relationships have ended, which can make the threat to a person’s life even more severe. My ex-husband constantly threatened to kill me or have me killed if I ever separated from him, if he ever found me with another man, or through similar threats. Once, after I mentioned that I had dated a German singer on my blog (years after I had separated from my ex-husband)—who also turned out to be an extreme and obsessive stalker—my ex-husband hired someone in Vienna to set fire to a building near my flat. This was the second flat that burned down right next to where I was living at that time.
If you’re watching any of the singer’s songs, know that most are about me, or supposedly about me. This may seem flattering at first. But if he constantly compliments other women, degrades you, never shows appreciation, is constantly negative, stalks and harasses you, and ignores all your “nos,” then we’re dealing with cognitive dissonance.
He wrote many of these songs years before I knew he had read my blog, so I truly didn’t know they were about me. That’s how many years he stalked me. Initially, I found his songs beautiful, especially the lyrics. Lately, however, I find it extremely annoying when he writes yet another song or throws another woman in my face, while constantly talking about himself and her. He expects me to be with him, to want to be with him, or to praise his songs—even when I can’t stand them. Any criticism of his false persona is met with extreme smear campaigns, where you are called dumb or crazy for not seeing him as talented, as everyone supposedly does, and for not showing gratitude for another hoover. It’s like a stalker sending you flowers or chocolate after you’ve already told him you want nothing to do with him ever again.
In this particular case, the stalker suffers from an extreme superiority complex. He has joined incel groups that support his belief that he is superior to women, that any woman must succumb to him, that he is entitled to rape, and that women exist solely to provide him sexual pleasure and endure his abuse.
This person is very sick. Stay away if you can. If you are the one being stalked, know that you may experience years of extreme hell if you are dealing with someone completely delusional, with an extreme sense of self-importance, who constantly inserts himself into your life only to destroy your relationships, career, and general well-being.
Though stalking is common in romantic relationships, you may also be targeted by a stranger—often a person who shows romantic or sexual interest, especially if you are a woman.
Some victims have died after reporting their stalker to the police, and many others have tried repeatedly to get help but were unable to receive the support they needed.
In This Morning: The Psychology of a Stalker’s Mind (video linked here), the moderator talks about a victim who reported her stalker to the police five times, only to be charged with wasting police time. She was later killed by her stalker. Many such murders could be prevented if the police took stalking more seriously.
My experience was similar, though I wasn’t killed—so far—and I have come close enough to understand how serious and out-of-control such situations can be. A sociopathic stalker reported me to the police after discovering, through spyware, that I had informed them about the stalking. I wasn’t charged with wasting police time, but with falsely reporting a person for stalking. In the end, I had to sign an agreement stating that the person who had stalked me hadn’t actually stalked me, to prevent the prosecutor’s office from initiating legal proceedings against me.
Stalkers can act normal for a period of time, but their mental illness eventually becomes obvious. They do this not out of the other person’s free will, but because they are obsessed. Stalkers may demand attention, insist that you spend time with them, take care of them, or love them—all according to their delusional ideas of what love or a relationship should be. Often, this is influenced by their perceived superiority in looks, intelligence, or other traits, which they may not actually possess.
Even if a person seems attractive, it does not justify engaging in a relationship, as doing so would mean exchanging a healthy life for a toxic one. Many stalkers are inept at relationships, claiming to understand what a relationship looks like without being able to maintain one in real life. After rejection, they often escalate their stalking and harassment.
I have personally experienced how, after rejection, stalkers can completely lose control. They may go on extreme revenge trips, attempt to harm or kill someone, or otherwise endanger a victim’s life. This can prevent the person from working, resting when sick, or sleeping when they are already exhausted and in desperate need of recovery.
Have you ever experienced hypnosis?