articles
China Elevator Stories
Self-Optimization Craze
Many people follow online self-optimization gurus.
10/08/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
I have met more and more individuals who try to optimize either themselves or other people. Ever watched a person who seemed to have the perfect life, the perfect routine, the perfect makeup, the perfect flat, the perfect looks, and who was also extremely successful?
A lot of “common folks” who watch these people on YouTube, for one thing, think that they are truly always as successful as they look. Now, certainly, some are truly successful and earn a lot of money online. But a lot are also not as rich as they appear to be, and certainly, we don’t always know what’s going on behind the scenes. But certainly, quite a few women whose videos I have watched are terrific at getting their apartments in order, at being clean every day, and probably have some kind of routine that works well for them.
But these people putting videos online has also led to a side effect of having more people want to become like them and a kind of self-optimization craze. This kind of self-optimization is particularly prevalent in my generation, but I also assume it is extremely common in younger generations.
Now, most people think that they aren’t as great as these people are when they watch them. Thus, self-optimization starts—trying to optimize yourself, your life, or people around you, to fit the descriptions of the people in these videos.
A lot of them also share tools for how to manage something. If you have ever experienced a person suddenly going in there and changing everything you do without consent, know that this is never okay and that it may stem from some kind of complex where that person thinks that they are superior to others and that they have to optimize other people’s selves.
I don’t think we’ve seen this with our parents just as much as we have in our generation. Certainly, some books taught how to cook the perfect family meal, and people like my grandmother also learned how to do housework perfectly and how to behave in public spaces and with regards to other people. She had great manners and was very respectful of other people’s boundaries. She was also a terrific cook, putting a lot of love into the food she cooked and showing a lot of appreciation for the food she was able to eat, knowing that growing up, a lot of people didn’t have enough food. She was humble and always courteous towards others. She was Catholic, and many people who are religious, I believe, have learned good behavior—or at least that’s my experience.
Many of them have learned the Ten Commandments, some of which are particularly helpful, and may have been invented to teach narcissists how to behave (I mean, maybe not, but you know what I mean—killing others used to be much more widespread in certain cultures than it is today). Many narcissists, particularly those who didn’t grow up with religion, act as though some of these commandments, such as “Thou shall not kill,” don’t apply to them. We all know that even our worldly laws stipulate this, and oh boy, if one of the narcissistic stalkers had the ingrained belief that “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour,” wouldn’t it be terrific? It seems to me that someone wrote these rules for narcissists, because certainly, only narcissists would bear false witness against their neighbor.
While I am not religious, I grew up in a Protestant household and am familiar with the Bible and the Ten Commandments. They were also taught to me by my parents, and I appreciate it when people simply follow these rules without you having to mention certain social norms and rules to them that were introduced so people could live peacefully and wouldn’t kill each other.
Some people have also learned that you shouldn’t try to change another person, but simply look within and change yourself. There are people who are constantly looking at what needs to change on the outside, within another person, when in reality, they are the real problem and the one who isn’t acting in a socially acceptable manner. And some even violate very severe boundaries, such as not allowing you to be yourself, or to not follow some online guru and follow some self-optimization craze where a person projects onto you that you need to adopt the rules some kind of online personality has implemented in their life, or that you need to dress a certain way simply because that’s what he deems is the correct way to dress. Usually, we are never allowed to do so, because no one has the right to change another person, particularly not that which is ingrained within the other person on a biological basis—something they were born with.
If a person is an introvert, they need quiet time, time away from other people, and their own space to be in. They can’t constantly be around others, never getting time away from these people—particularly if these people talk constantly, or verbally abuse her constantly, or are constantly creating some kind of catastrophe or drama in that person’s life.
Also, I mean, if you’re projecting onto the other person that they need to follow a certain routine or whatever else it was you saw online, that gives the impression that the other person isn’t able to choose for herself what is healthy for her, what is unhealthy, what works, and what doesn’t. It is also extremely disrespectful, particularly if that person wants you to adopt a new personality because they deem yours not good enough.
Not that what they are using is a great mirror—if they are a narcissist, them deeming you not good enough is usually simply a projection of who they are onto you. Narcissists don’t act like normal human beings; most have meltdowns in the morning when needing to leave the flat instead of preparing in the morning in a stress-free, quiet kind of way, and I’ve seen people throw tantrums because I was taking a cab and a man (A MAN! GOD FORBID!) was sitting right next to me. I mean, how afraid does one have to be of any man out there? That’s certainly not a very high self-esteem.
Instead of seeing that living a fulfilling life is simply being able to live in the moment, and having no artificial layer put over you, having no management, having no outside adaptation of your life by a person who doesn’t understand how to live life, and having no person prescribe adjectives onto you that are simply not the truth, and not having to have you run after some kind of online guru because the narcissist believes a fake life is what you need to want and run after—well, that is a life wasted.
Narcissists are usually never fulfilled, and they try to draw other people into their obsessions. You may have told them that you are not interested in changing your life so it doesn’t resemble your life anymore, and he may simply start to change everything, force you to change everything—including your character, opinions, and thoughts—into theirs or someone else’s, believing that your life will become more perfect and fulfilling to you because you’re now following their self-optimization tips or coercion.
The Dunning–Kruger effect, if you’ve ever heard of it, can be seen in action when a person lives their life chasing meaningless things, constantly needing outside stimulation, forcing others to become just as shallow as they are, and then pressuring you to self-optimize and turn into an extroverted, shallow narcissist—just like them!
I’d rather not be a narcissist, if I can, and enjoy a quiet time at home doing nothing, spending no money at all, cooking a home-cooked meal including garden vegetables and fresh shrimp (uhm, sorry, beef; I froze the shrimp after they were still jumping around in my plastic bag when I came back from the supermarket after washing them—I have never cooked any myself, to be honest, but have frozen them for now in case my children come back and need some “Chinese” food). A woman at the local supermarket sold them to me because they are currently on sale, and I felt like she wanted to get more people to buy them. So I thought, why not try it out. I am always a bit wary when it comes to preparing fish and shrimp and the like, since I don’t usually prepare these foods, but I am also into fresh food (like, caught with a net at the supermarket with the shrimp still being alive).
I am much more into just living life—you know, sitting on the sofa drinking a cup of coffee, reading a book, or going to the market to buy fresh vegetables—than having to constantly self-optimize and think about how I am dressing, what kind of makeup I supposedly need to put on, what kind of “new” social behavior I need to adopt—kind of living life from the outside in (running after false values and perceptions of what a happy, fulfilling life looks like)—than constantly acting on some kind of shallow impulse, trying to impress others, constantly looking on the outside at what other people may deem perfect, etc. I am living from the inside out, not from the outside in, which is the only correct way to live your life (at least, if you’re not a narcissist).
To a narcissist, life has to be lived from the outside in. If someone on the outside thinks your clothes don’t look good enough, you’re expected to change them immediately to please that person. If that were the case, I’d have to change clothes constantly—because no one thinks another person always dresses perfectly. If you meet 100 people, at least every 10th person might perceive your clothes as not meeting their idea of “good-looking.” Or at least, that’s what I’d assume. It could just as well be every second or third person, or even every one and a half. Personally, I don’t follow the latest fashion trends—I simply don’t like how most of them look, and I don’t care how I appear to other people. I don’t dress for them; I dress for myself.
When trying to optimize another person, know that:
- It is never your right if you haven’t been given permission.
- This kind of behavior isn’t healthy.
- You have to be an authority yourself to be someone whom others think is credible and legit.
- It has to be the other person’s own free will to change either their life or their appearance.
Who doesn’t need to change?
- Introverts who simply want to stay inside, not go outside or engage with other people—who are quiet people who simply don’t want to be harassed or bothered by other people.
People who are already living their life in an acceptable manner that works well.
Personally, I don’t thrive on routines (like, at all), since I am a Rebel in Gretchen Rubin’s personality type system. Life for me simply flows without outside control, and I deal with appointments and work in a reasonable, responsible manner, like an adult would—not a little immature child who doesn’t understand that being overly controlling and having all sorts of unnecessary rules makes life unlivable and destroys being able to enjoy the present moment. I don’t allow others to be overly controlling of everything I do and when I do it, but some men certainly do it anyway. I have no control over that either, but it’s certainly not something I have consciously invited into my life—I mean, these men just invite themselves into your life thinking you need to accept their poor behavior simply because you are a woman.
Have you ever encountered a person who tried to optimize you?