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China Elevator Stories
When Codependency Goes Too Far
Codependency becomes a problem when it influences others very negatively.
23/04/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
One of the great achievements of being a grown-up is being able to do things alone—those things that should be done alone, not in a group.
Codependency doesn’t usually sound like a trait that is destructive, but it can lead to extremes when a person becomes overly codependent—clinging to others, living their life through them, and refusing to allow them to make their own decisions, to live their lives independently, or to do what is healthy for them: being alone, and being left alone. When this is combined with stalking, sulking like a toddler, then clinging to you, needing you to constantly pay attention to his needs, feelings, wants, interests, ideas, opinions, and judgments—it creates an extreme mix of negativity, and clearly shows a person who does not handle himself in a healthy way.
If you are empathetic and tend to soak up other people’s emotions, you’ll end up filled with all the negative emotions of that person.
A narcissist can easily be spotted by their unwillingness to allow differences. This means any independence must be destroyed, and anything different from them must be declared inferior, invalid, or outright gaslit into “doesn’t exist anyway.”
One of the most destructive individuals I have ever met is a sociopathic stalker who not only spends his time doing useless things constantly, but also refuses to allow me my freedom, my own decisions, my life apart from him, my autonomy, and my independence.
He is delusional—seeing life not as it is, but as he wants it to be.
He constantly narrates a false reality: You aren’t allowed to be quiet—he’ll punish you for it. He’ll verbally abuse you, shout all the time, be noisy, and make everything you do about him. You won’t be allowed to concentrate on “facts, factual information,” or anything that has nothing to do with people and their exaggerated emotions. (If they are histrionic and love extreme emotions and drama, they are sometimes called bipolar—but anyone can be turned into an emotional mess by a conscienceless person who constantly takes their emotions out on others.)
If you are a severely codependent adult, there’s only one task for you once you’re grown up: becoming independent and doing things alone. Get out of groups and spend your days alone. (You can go to a café or restaurant if you want to, but don’t talk to people—just spend your time alone to practice being a grown-up who does things alone.) You should also go to different other places alone. You shouldn’t request that a person you’re stalking—but whom you do not know—give up her rights or squash her needs for the sake of yours. No woman was born to be your slave. As a grown-up, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself and not to put that burden onto others.
A life can be completely destroyed by a person forcing another to live according to the other person’s wishes. Otherwise, the victim is emotionally blackmailed, reported to the police, or made responsible for the abuser’s issues—shifting the responsibility of the abuse onto the victim, rather than where it belongs: with the abuser.
Shifting responsibility and refusing to take ownership for their actions is a common tactic of narcissists, who often behave like spoiled children. They have learned that the world exists to serve them—the self-proclaimed kings of everything and everyone—and no one is allowed to question their superiority (which is often not superiority, but deep-seated inferiority).
Those who are better than them, naturally, will be destroyed—annihilated. Their sense of self will be crushed, their needs denied, and they’ll be attacked from all sides for being “better than the narcissist,” even if they weren’t in competition with him to begin with.
A narcissist may be so lacking in self-confidence that they feel threatened by any new content you post on social media. To them, your posts represent attention, admiration, or recognition—things they believe should belong solely to them. When people follow or engage with you, it signals that you’re important, popular, or possess positive traits. In the narcissist’s eyes, this must be destroyed.
I’ve seen narcissists become extremely paranoid when someone simply shares content online. They may accuse you of seeking attention or having manipulative motives—even when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Often, this behavior stems from their inability to tolerate someone else being perceived as more competent or admired. Because a narcissist craves all the attention, they believe you’re not entitled to even a healthy share of it—something every person naturally needs.
They may claim you’re arrogant, self-centered, or acting without their involvement is selfish. You might be told you’re not allowed to write a blog, design posts, or manage your social media independently. And if you do, the response could escalate to harassment or even threats—yes, even over something as harmless as a Pinterest post or a few lines on X. It sounds unbelievable, even absurd, unless you’re the one being targeted by this behavior.
In reality, you may simply be doing your job or expressing yourself—without any hidden agenda. But to the narcissist, your independence and visibility are unforgivable.
They will blame anyone who takes time for themselves—to read, to stay in their own energy as introverts or empaths, to avoid constant battles for survival—and call them egotistical, arrogant, or “unable to be a team player.” In their mind, being a “team player” means running around in groups like some kind of schizophrenic cult, believing they’re better than others simply because they are in a group. To them, being an individual—someone who does things alone—is selfish and must be punished. Everyone must be informed of your selfishness, and reminded that it was your obligation to take care of him, not your right to be free from him.
The mind of a narcissist is sick. When I see people enjoying running around in groups, not thinking for themselves, and merely parroting what their self-proclaimed leader has taught or intimidated them into saying, it’s usually time for me to say goodbye. Nobody should be so brainwashed that they can’t distinguish a selfish person from someone who simply values solitude. Nobody should have to live inside the projected image of a narcissist—who projects his own selfishness and arrogance onto others, accusing those who aren’t selfish of being so, simply for taking time to themselves. Meanwhile, the narcissist who steals your time, alters your priorities to meet his needs while ignoring your own, who can’t function as a true team member because he’s too self-absorbed to even notice others exist—will project exactly those characteristics onto you.
A narcissist never owns his behavior. And if you point out the truth in a healthy way, he’ll distract, deflect, project—and punish, punish, and punish you for calling out his flaws.
We can easily accept people for who they are when they are kind, polite, and respectful. But why shouldn’t we speak up when someone lacks basic social behavior, stalks and harasses others, and refuses to respect their privacy—while insisting his own privacy is sacred?
A narcissist’s projection will be constant. Once he’s made you his scapegoat—the bad, evil woman who, in his eyes, did terrible things to him—it often turns into a misogynistic crusade. You’ll be punished just for being a woman, flawed like anyone else, and expected to pay for that. He’ll cast himself as the always-correct, morally superior person who knows everything about everything. Meanwhile, you’ll be victim-blamed, shouted at, and subjected to his endless negativity, criticism, and judgment. And of course, we have every right to speak up if it’s disrupting our peace in a serious way—especially when he started the “war over the truth,” a war that didn’t even need to exist.
And it won’t ever stop.
Have you ever experienced codependency that went too far?