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Enmeshed Relationships: How to Spot the Signs of Unhealthy Enmeshment
Enmeshment occurs when one person is unable to understand that others are distinct from them.
16/02/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
In a healthy relationship, two independent individuals come together, each seeing the other as an autonomous and separate person. In this kind of relationship, both people have a clearly defined character and personality, and both know who they are. They respect each other’s boundaries and can express their own when needed.
In an enmeshed relationship, one person may believe they know the other person better than that person knows themselves, making incorrect assumptions based on their own likes, dislikes, wants, or needs, leading to blurred boundaries. For example, an enmeshed person may not be able to see the other person as independent from them, with their own needs, personality, and character. The “you” and the “me” aren’t clearly separated and often, there will be signs of a “fused identity”.
Enmeshment in everyday life
In healthy relationships, a person usually knows who they are and that they are separate from others. However, enmeshment may still occur because sometimes we assume—without meaning any harm—that people are similar to us and will behave in similar ways. This is still normal. Problems arise when enmeshment becomes extreme, such as in relationships with a narcissist who oversteps boundaries and, even after those boundaries have been clearly stated, does not respect them.
Enmeshment can be found in many families, particularly in parent-child relationships, but it may also occur in other relationships, including between romantic partners. It can even happen between strangers.
In a marriage, not both spouses may be enmeshed with each other, but enmeshment can occur when one person becomes overly entangled with the other. It is common for some degree of enmeshment to occur.
A person who enmeshes with others doesn’t usually understand where they end and the other person begins. While even healthy individuals may occasionally experience this (since we can’t always know exactly where boundaries lie), the more extreme the enmeshment, the bigger the problem for the other person—especially if boundaries have been clearly stated and repeatedly reinforced, yet the enmeshed person continues to disregard them.
A lot of the times, a person who enmeshes with others doesn’t realize that this is what they are doing. If you feel uncomfortable if a person repeatedly enmeshes with you, you can tell them:
“I am me, I am not you. I am me, I am different from you. I have my likes, you have your likes. I have my identity, and you must have your own—you aren’t allowed to steal mine.”
Now, if you’re dealing with a narcissist, they usually won’t stop enmeshing just because you say so. However, at the very least, you’ve made it clear that you are a separate human being and are not comfortable with their enmeshment or their attempts to take over your life, body, home, belongings, relationships, or whatever else they feel entitled to as if it were theirs.
Healthy vs. unhealthy enmeshment
In healthy relationships, a person may enmesh without realizing it, but the enmeshment won’t be so severe that it becomes unmanageable. In unhealthy relationships, the other person may completely take over your identity, speak as though they are you or know you well—even if they don’t—and disregard your boundaries entirely. They may interfere with your personal space, ruin your projects under the guise of offering unsolicited advice or so-called “help,” and act as if they have the right to control aspects of your life without your consent.
For instance, a severely enmeshed individual might assume that whatever belongs to you is also theirs. You may find a mother-in-law granting herself access to your home, redecorating as she pleases, and discarding your belongings. People who enmesh in this extreme way are often difficult to remove from your life. They won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, especially if they are narcissists. While enmeshment can occur in common relationships, it becomes particularly severe in cases of malignant narcissism, where the person consistently oversteps boundaries and refuses to acknowledge that others have a right to their own space, relationships, relaxation, and personal choices.
Common signs of enmeshment
1. One person assumes they know the other without truly getting to know them:
What does it take to really know someone? Usually, a person has to open up and share who they are.
When a narcissist enmeshes with you, they often project the idea that they “know” you. However, even in cases where a stalker has observed you for years, their actions may reveal that they don’t truly understand you at all. They may claim to know what’s best for you, offer unsolicited advice about how to “fix” your life, or insist they can make you happier—even when you never asked for their input. They may also invade your personal space, assuming they have the right to involve themselves in your life simply because they believe they understand you better than you understand yourself.
For example, a stalker who wants to be around you constantly may manipulate situations to make you dependent on them, then insist you need their help and company—even after you’ve made it clear that you are perfectly capable of managing alone. If they interfere with your work or daily life, they may not recognize their own lack of professionalism and will dismiss your protests as if they know better. They might even claim that solitude is bad for you and attempt to force social interactions on you. An introvert, for instance, may be pressured to meet up with people “to become happier,” while an enmeshed narcissist refuses to accept “no” as an answer.
If you know yourself well, you understand what makes you comfortable, whether that’s solitude, personal time, or a specific way of living. But a severely co-dependent person may refuse to acknowledge this, instead projecting their own needs onto you. If they fear being alone, they might insist that you cannot be alone. If you set boundaries, they may accuse you of being selfish or even narcissistic for prioritizing your own well-being.
I have personally experienced a severe case of enmeshment, where a stalker not only projected his own perceptions onto me but actively attempted to take over my identity and life.
He constantly claimed to know me well and insisted he knew what was best for me. However, every time he attempted to prove this, his actions demonstrated the opposite—revealing that he did not truly understand me at all. When I told him what I needed and wanted, he did the exact opposite, then tried to convince me that his actions were what I actually needed.
Even if a person has stalked you for years, obsessing over every little detail of your life, that doesn’t mean they truly know you. This becomes apparent when they speak about you, yet their words feel disconnected from who you actually are. They may try to make you feel safe or comfortable, yet end up doing the very things that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable—while still insisting that they know what’s best for you.
For example, being watched constantly by a stalker does not make me feel comfortable, yet such a person may insist that their attention is “for my own good.” This behavior is a clear sign of enmeshment. A person who is enmeshed cannot distinguish between who you actually are and who they want you to be—or who they need you to be in order to fulfill their own desires.
In more extreme cases, enmeshment forces individuals—including Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) or introverts—to suppress their natural tendencies. A narcissist who is neither an HSP nor an introvert may refuse to allow someone to embrace their own personality, instead demanding they conform to a more extroverted or less sensitive way of life. If this dynamic persists for an extended period, it can lead to significant stress and even health problems.
Highly Sensitive People, in particular, require time away from overstimulation to recharge. If they are constantly forced into high-energy social situations or denied personal space, their well-being can deteriorate. Enmeshment becomes particularly dangerous when a narcissist disregards these needs, pushing their own lifestyle onto others while refusing to respect boundaries.
It’s important to remember that anyone can be a Highly Sensitive Person—including narcissists. However, when enmeshment occurs, the issue is not sensitivity itself, but the lack of respect for individuality and personal autonomy.
Enmeshment can range from mild and unintentional to extreme and harmful. While occasional assumptions about others are normal, severe enmeshment—especially in cases involving narcissists or stalkers—can become a significant problem. Recognizing the signs early on and setting firm boundaries can help protect your identity, independence, and mental well-being.
Stalking typically leads to feelings of engulfment, fear, and discomfort for the person being stalked. If a stalker insists that you must accept their watching, spying, or enmeshing with you—essentially attempting to live out your identity and life instead of allowing you to do so—while also trying to make decisions on your behalf and take away your rights, they are severely overstepping boundaries.
If they claim you are not allowed to feel uncomfortable in their presence or try to prevent you from distancing yourself, it is a clear sign of emotional enmeshment without your consent. Such individuals lack an awareness of boundaries and fail to recognize that other people have their own independent needs and emotions.
This severe lack of awareness often stems from the belief that their assumptions about you are absolute truth. They act based on what makes them feel good, rather than considering whether their actions are harmful or whether they respect your well-being and autonomy.
2. Emotional enmeshment:
Emotional enmeshment occurs when a person is not allowed to have their own emotions or feelings about situations. The person who enmeshes may even force the other person to feel the same emotions they do. In extreme cases, you may be punished for feeling differently, and a narcissist may go as far as trying to destroy your life if you express your own emotions.
A narcissist may pretend to love you, only to punish you if you don’t believe their lies or refuse to feel what they are trying to manipulate you into feeling. For example, they might try to force you to have romantic feelings for them when you clearly do not. They may engage in bizarre, self-promotional behaviors—such as launching strange ‘marketing campaigns’ to advertise themselves to you in a desperate, delusional manner. This could include talking only about themselves, never complimenting you, and making you wonder why you should fall in love with someone who is completely deranged and out of touch with what a woman wants (and is ugly on top of that).
If you set a boundary—such as telling someone to leave you alone and never contact you again, even through third parties like the police—they may ignore it and demand that you repeat the message to ensure they “understand.” They might refuse to leave for hours, continuing to talk about themselves. The next day, you might wake up to find that the person is still in your life, talking endlessly about how great they are, with no regard for your needs. If you don’t respond the way they want, they may try to make you feel inferior or punish you horrifically. The following day, well, we all know how that story ends. Five years could pass, and you’re still dealing with a deranged individual who hasn’t respected your request to be left alone. Despite everything you’ve said, they haven’t stopped, and their words continue to be ugly and disturbing. They may also pressure you to lie, demanding that you tell them they are attractive, intelligent, or successful—even if you don’t share that opinion.
Whatever you actually feel about them, you won’t be allowed to express it. If you do, they may shame you, insult you, or otherwise treat you horribly. This particular stalker, for example, spent years trying to force me to tell him how good-looking, successful, and intelligent he was—never once accepting that I had the right to a different opinion. Instead of simply acknowledging that I did not find him attractive, he refused to respect my feelings and tried to manipulate me into thinking otherwise. When I made it clear that he had no right to brainwash me into liking him or finding him attractive, he resorted to various forms of punishment, all to fulfill his immature emotional needs while avoiding the root problem: his low self-esteem. However, self-esteem can only be healed by working on oneself, not by coercing another person into validating a false self-image.
In a family setting, emotional enmeshment may mean that if you don’t like your mother-in-law, you aren’t allowed to express that opinion to your husband if he likes her. If your husband is a malignant narcissist, you may later be excluded from the family or face some form of punishment.
Malignant narcissists are rarely enjoyable people to be around, and they don’t handle differing opinions well. A healthy person, if rejected, will simply accept it and move on. For example, if I find a man attractive but he tells me he isn’t interested in me, I would respect that and move on to find someone who shares mutual attraction.
A narcissist, however, may refuse to accept that you don’t feel the same way they do. If you reject them, they may punish you. A stalker, for instance, may persist in following you if he is fixated on the idea that you are interested in him—or that you should be. He may believe he is attractive and assume that every woman must see him the same way. When dealing with a highly delusional narcissist, individual preferences are ignored. If they have a superiority complex, they won’t tolerate any realistic reflection of themselves. They may believe they are the most attractive or intelligent person and will not accept that you see them differently or simply want nothing to do with them. A narcissist may even insult and belittle a woman, yet still feel entitled to force her into a sexual relationship.
Once a person reaches this level of delusion, you are dealing with a deeply disturbed mind. No amount of reasoning or direct statements—telling him that you find him unattractive, unintelligent, or repulsive, or that he is violating your boundaries and infringing on your rights—will make him stop trying to force you to think and feel differently about him.
Typically, a woman will first attempt polite ways of making it clear to a stalker that she is not interested and does not find him attractive. However, if he refuses to stop harassing her and continues provoking her relentlessly, she may eventually resort to bluntly telling him exactly what she thinks—out of sheer frustration and self-defense.
3. One person constantly assumes they know the other person’s needs or feelings without actually knowing them:
This is often based on their own projections—what they want rather than what the other person truly wants. Often, people who enmesh don’t check if their assumptions are correct; they simply believe them to be true. They may not ask the other person if they actually like rice noodles with broccoli but simply order them, assuming the other person likes them.
For example, in a situation where a mother-in-law cooks for her daughter-in-law, a mother-in-law who enmeshes with her daughter-in-law may simply tell her that she has to like the dishes she cooked because others do too or because “they taste good” (making generalized statements without acknowledging that people have individual tastes). She may not ask whether her daughter-in-law actually likes or dislikes certain dishes.
Other situations may include a mother-in-law trying to force her daughter-in-law to get a haircut because “short hair will look better on her,” without asking for her daughter-in-law’s consent or considering how she feels about it. She may be pushy and won’t accept that her daughter-in-law has individual taste and prefers longer hair. She may not see her as separate from herself—wanting her to have short hair simply because she wants it or assuming short hair looks better on her just because she believes so.
4. One person thinks the other person thinks and acts the same way they do—or that they “are” them:
This can happen between parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren, or in other relationships.
For example, if you are comfortable in your clothes, an enmeshed person may tell you that you aren’t—just because they think the clothes don’t look comfortable or they wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing them. They may assume a child must feel cold because they do, without checking whether the child actually feels cold. A child may be sweating because a grandmother has made them wear too many layers, but the grandmother may still insist the child is cold and needs more layers—simply because she feels cold.
A child may want to voice their opinion (if they are old enough to do so and if their voice hasn’t been completely silenced), but a narcissistic grandmother who enmeshes too much won’t even hear it. If she does, she’ll simply ignore it.
5. Anticipating needs that aren’t actually there:
People who enmesh may smother or engulf others.
For example, a mother-in-law may bring food to your house, trying to “bribe you with food,” then insist you liked it—even if you didn’t want her to bring food or didn’t like it and are used to cooking for yourself. She may continue bringing it despite your requests to stop, assuming she knows what’s best. Later, she may blackmail you, using the excuse that she brought you food and now you owe her—perhaps demanding that you send your children to her place more often.
If you don’t acquiesce and give in to her demands, she may start to punish you—either overtly or covertly. If she can’t punish you directly, she may resort to punishing people close to you, such as your children, to send the message that you aren’t allowed to say “no” to her requests.
I remember that during my first pregnancy, I fell asleep on the couch in our flat in Shenzhen because I was so exhausted. I didn’t feel cold, but when my mother-in-law saw that I had fallen asleep, she adjusted my blanket. This woke me up, preventing me from getting much-needed rest.
While this may have been meant as a kind gesture, it also shows a lack of understanding that sleep is crucial during pregnancy and shouldn’t be disrupted. Most people know that adjusting a sleeping person’s blanket can easily wake them, and that you shouldn’t wake a pregnant woman who needs rest.
She was often quick to make assumptions—such as thinking I would feel uncomfortable if she didn’t adjust my blanket or believing that my shoulder would suffer from a “dangerous, deathly wind.” (I can’t even count how many times she claimed there was some kind of wind somewhere [有风] and that we might all die. Many Europeans aren’t afraid of a little air circulation.)
One particular kind of enmeshment occurs when a person—who may or may not be older than you—pretends that you aren’t an adult capable of making your own decisions and insists on making them for you. Often, this person is not acting like a responsible adult, is immature, or is otherwise dangerous to others. If you are normally capable of making good decisions for yourself, allowing this person to take control could be hazardous, particularly if they are not a responsible, trustworthy adult.
6. Not being able to see you as separate from them:
An enmeshed person assumes you share their preferences and emotions. If they love socializing, they may believe you do too. If they feel cold at 20°C, they assume you must be cold as well. They impose their values, goals, and assumptions onto you, sometimes to an extreme degree.
In severe cases, they may even begin living as if they were you—a behavior often seen in individuals with personality disorders, such as sociopathy, where a poor sense of self is common.
For example, an extrovert may project their needs onto an introvert, insisting that they need to socialize more, go outside often, and participate in activities that don’t suit them. They may claim it will “make the introvert happier” and accuse them of being “anti-social” if they don’t comply.
They may also speak on your behalf, using “we” to describe experiences that don’t align with your reality. If you and your spouse go on vacation, and you didn’t enjoy the location, an enmeshed spouse might still tell others, “We had a great time in Thailand.” If you never voiced your feelings, this could be a harmless assumption. But if you explicitly stated that you didn’t enjoy it, and they still claim you did, this signals enmeshment—the inability to accept that another person is separate, with different wants, needs, and emotions.
A non-enmeshed person would acknowledge differences, saying, “I enjoyed our trip to Thailand, but my wife didn’t.” An enmeshed person, particularly one with narcissistic tendencies, denies your individuality.
7. A lack of healthy boundaries:
Having weak boundaries can be a sign of enmeshment. However, not everyone with weak boundaries enmeshes with others—some people simply grew up in environments where strong boundaries weren’t necessary. While minor enmeshment can occur naturally in almost all relationships, excessive enmeshment often forces one person to sacrifice their needs. Typically, the enmeshing person does not respect boundaries, sometimes because they don’t have strong boundaries themselves. This may not be a problem if the enmeshment is not too severe and the other person is allowed to express her boundaries. However, if she isn’t, the situation may become very toxic and unhealthy for the person affected by the enmeshment. Enmeshment can creep up on a person slowly, and before you know it, you don’t feel like your former self anymore.
If enmeshment occurs in a healthy relationship, you can simply point it out as a fact, and the other person will be able to acknowledge it and make amends. But if it occurs in a relationship with a narcissist, don’t expect them to acknowledge the truth or even see it for what it is. They may enmesh with you in all aspects of your life but won’t take accountability when you point it out and ask them to stop because it makes you feel uncomfortable. One of the easiest ways to spot a narcissist is by observing whether a person respects another person’s boundaries. While boundary violations may occur in normal relationships (since we’re all human and aren’t always perfect), in narcissistic relationships, the boundary violations are usually extreme. A narcissist won’t usually stop their disrespectful behavior, even after you’ve pointed it out multiple times. This is not because they can’t, but because they don’t want to—they want to maintain access to their victims, continue abusing them, and gain narcissistic supply from doing so.
If you are a gazelle dealing with a hungry lion, the lion won’t simply stop wanting to eat you because you ask him to be respectful and acknowledge your right to life. He will act based on his own needs and desires, and won’t consider yours.
8. The enmeshing person doesn’t see themselves as separate from you:
You may hate going to the cinema, but they might still tell everyone that you love it—simply because they do. If they like the color red, they may assume you do too, even if you don’t. In extreme cases, an enmeshed mother-in-law might attempt to take control of your children, assuming that’s what you want simply because it’s what she wants. She’ll ignore all your “no’s,” and you may have to assert, “That’s not actually what I want or what’s good for me and my children.” She might decorate your flat instead of you, knowing that you wanted to decorate it yourself. The colors and patterns may be horrific or she may constantly bring new stuff into your home and make it cluttered, especially if you prefer a minimalist style. She will then claim that YOU now like the way your flat looks, even though you’ve repeatedly tried to stop her from trampling your boundaries and even though you have told her that you don’t share her taste.
9. A lack of a well-defined personality:
A person with a well-defined personality has their own interests and a clear sense of self. Someone who enmeshes with others may lack this individuality and assume others do too. They might adopt other people’s personalities and interests instead of developing their own, projecting this lack of self-definition onto others. If they lack clear goals in life, they may assume you do as well. They may try to destroy the goals you have, simply because they are jealous of people who do have clear goals. If they don’t want to live a particularly meaningful life and are living a directionless existence, they may expect you to do the same.
Extreme enmeshment requires one person to sacrifice their own goals, desires, and preferences. Telling a narcissist, “Don’t pull me down to your level,” is like saying nothing at all to them. They won’t usually hear you when you tell them not to drag you into their “unprofessionalism” or their meaningless way of living life. I’ve been dealing with a narcissist who has no personality at all—he simply follows what others post on Instagram or believes whatever others say (making outside authorities the authority over you) without fact-checking or asking if you need an external authority to define who you are and what you believe.
Some people may be into self-optimization, but without a clearly defined self, they’ll simply do whatever is “in” at the moment, without realizing they are missing the point of life. Life is not meant to be lived just by following others, doing whatever someone else deems “cool,” without knowing who you are and what you stand for. If they lack a well-defined personality and are wishy-washy about everything, they may try to force you to adopt their dysfunctional behavior. If you aren’t into making everything about looks, for example, they may try to turn you into a person who is. If you’re not superficial, they won’t notice and may try to make you so, so that you can talk about superficial topics with them and make them feel better.
When a narcissist enmeshes, the end goal is usually always about you making them feel better, not you. If a normal person enmeshes, it may simply be a form of attachment or something that happens naturally in relationships. But when a narcissist enmeshes, the behavior is usually unhealthy and detrimental to the other person. The narcissist doesn’t need your “yes” to enmesh with you. If they see you as good supply, they will simply enmesh whether you want them to or not.
10. In many enmeshed relationships, the other person isn’t allowed to voice their own needs, wants, likes, or dislikes
The enmeshed person often doesn’t allow the other to have a well-defined self. This is especially common if the person who enmeshes is a narcissist. They may expect you to be exactly the same as they are. For example, if they like lasagna, they may assume you must like it too and refuse to accept a “no.” If they don’t need much time alone (if they aren’t a Highly Sensitive Person or an introvert), they may assume you don’t either. This can be hazardous if you are an introvert or Highly Sensitive Person who needs alone time in a quiet space but are constantly disrupted by someone who won’t leave you alone.
Normal enmeshment isn’t the problem, extreme enmeshment is
A certain level of enmeshment can happen in any relationship and is not always problematic. However, if it becomes extreme, it can lead to an unhealthy dynamic. It’s important to recognize when someone enmeshing with you is a narcissist, as many narcissists engage in this behavior. If they don’t have your best interests at heart, they may make decisions for you, assuming they have the right to do so when, in fact, they don’t. These decisions can lead to minor problems, or worse, life-threatening situations, because they made bad decisions without your consent, or violated your rights when you asked them not to.
Saying ‘no’ is often not enough to deter a narcissist
It’s not always possible to set boundaries and enforce consequences if someone oversteps them repeatedly, especially if they are particularly extreme. You may find yourself being harassed by narcissists, unable to have your boundaries respected, no matter how often you tell another person to leave you alone.
In my opinion, “nein” (no) is one of the most beautiful words of the German language, and there would be no dictionary entry if this word didn’t exist. A narcissist will act as though it doesn’t exist, or as if only their “no’s” are legitimate, and will ignore any of yours, pretending that “nein” is not a completely normal word people use in everyday life. Some people go completely berserk if you tell them “no,” going to great lengths to rebel against a person who asks them to stop being rude (as though puberty wasn’t something they should have gone through 30 years ago), and won’t stop being disruptive or otherwise disrespectful.
Some men think a “no” is only a word men are allowed to use, and that women aren’t allowed to say it to them.
Some people think that when you say you’re single, you’re inviting them to assume they are now your boyfriend—just because you don’t already have one. As if being single isn’t simple math: I am complete and whole just as I am. I am one unit, not someone in need of another person to ‘complete’ me. One plus one equals two, not one.
Two people, when both freely choose—without intimidation or control—may decide to be together. But when a woman wants to be single, it doesn’t mean she’s lonely or available for a stalker to claim her as his girlfriend.
Ever dealt with someone whose thinking was completely deranged? No, me sitting alone doesn’t mean there’s an open seat for you. It might just mean I enjoy my own company (or that I don’t enjoy yours). Me being single doesn’t mean ‘I can’t find a boyfriend’—it means ‘I enjoy being single.’ And if I do decide to look for a partner, that still doesn’t mean, ‘Oh, now I can enter her life and date her without her consent because she’s single and available.’
If anyone else could confirm that a person with such warped thinking isn’t exactly the most intelligent man on earth, please let me know.
Have you ever experienced enmeshment?
On a side note:
I had disabled comments for the past few years due to stalking. I’ve now reactivated them on all posts, so feel free to leave a comment at the bottom of the page. Please stay polite and respectful in your comments, or I will have to delete them!
