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China Elevator Stories
Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage (By Susan Forward)
Many Western women who have married Chinese men have come to realize that they are dealing with toxic in-laws.
17/10/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
If your marriage was destroyed by your ex-husband, as well as by your former mother-in-law, you probably know what a toxic in-law is.
People often say it takes two to fight, but I disagree. Some people thrive on conflict and will provoke a fight with anyone who crosses their path. The same goes for a marriage—it only takes one person to ruin it.
Susan Forward, who is known for her insightful advice, describes several types of toxic in-laws in her book Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage:
“The critics, who view you as incompetent or character-flawed because you have different ideas, preferences, belief systems, values, or ways of doing things. This category includes the scapegoaters, who blame you for whatever problem you and your partner may be having.
The engulfers, who view your marriage license as enlistment papers, signing you up for total involvement with them.
The controllers, who believe your partner is incapable of handling his or her own life and step in to do it better. Controllers demand compliance and offer their very conditional variety of love based on how well you please them.
The masters of chaos, who’ve done little or nothing to control their addictions, marital conflicts, and financial problems, creating havoc that draws in your partner and spills over into your family.
The rejectors, the deliberately hurtful in-laws whose cruel, angry, often abusive behavior is deeply painful and almost always involves active attempts to sabotage your marriage by turning your partner against you.
These categories aren’t always neatly separated. Many in-laws straddle several of these groupings, being critical at some points, engulfing at others.”
My former mother-in-law embodied nearly all these traits: she was a critic, engulfer, controller, master of chaos, and rejector. But her most defining role was as a rejector. She actively worked to destroy my marriage and took my children away from me—not just to hurt me, but also as a form of cruelty toward her own grandchildren.
She has managed to turn my ex-husband against me when we were still married, and now, my children too. This is still ongoing.
My children have been told to tell me that they don’t want any contact with me. Any reasonable person would see through this manipulation by a grandparent, at least, if they are familiar with parental alienation (or grandparental alienation, as I have come to call it when a grandparent alienates a child from their parent).
My former mother-in-law’s criticism used to be overwhelming. When I lived in China, she criticized everything about me—how I looked, the clothes I wore, how I spent time with my husband, how I parented my kids, how I dressed them, the food I was eating, the food my children were eating, the bedsheets we used, the festivals we celebrated. Whatever I did was always wrong in her eyes, while she was never wrong.
She was also a controller. When a mother-in-law dictates something as trivial as your facial expression or how much you spend on small items, you’re dealing with a controller.
The masters of chaos are in-laws who are chaotic and create turmoil in your life where there was none. They may do this by disrupting the rules and boundaries you set for your family. My children, whom I had taught to follow healthy rules, were shown by their grandparents that there were no rules at all. Healthy rules and boundaries are essential for children, but the masters of chaos completely ignore them. They also disregard custody agreements, deciding for themselves when and how often to call. What should have been two weekly video calls an hour each quickly dwindled to once a week for 15 minutes, then every two weeks, and finally to no contact at all.
Her thoughts may have sounded like: “Finally, I got rid of the mother of my grandchildren. Now I have only my husband, my son and my grandchildren in my life. I won—I am the master of the universe! These children don’t need their mother; they only need their grandmother and their patrilineal family line. I will never allow my grandchildren to have their mother back in their lives!” Though she would never say this aloud, it was clear in her actions.
“Congratulations, granny, you did a great job of showing what a loving person you really are! Should I also thank you for taking away my children and raising them instead of me? Anything else I should feel grateful for?” is my response to someone who behaves this way.
She was also an engulfer. Engulfers may engulf you, or they may engulf other people such as your husband or children. They may refuse to let anyone else spend time with their grandchildren and not allow their children to live their own lives.
Although her behavior fits all these descriptions, in her case, the primary one is still that of the rejector.
Susan Forward’s book offers practical advice on handling toxic in-laws, but for me, it was invaluable in helping me recognize what was really happening.
My ex-husband began distancing himself from the situation early on, leaving me to deal with his mother alone while I was pregnant with our second son. In a healthy marriage, this never should have happened. He claimed he wasn’t involved, but Susan Forward’s book helped me see that he had taken his mother’s side. He chose loyalty to her over the health of our marriage.
There were other serious problems in our relationship, but once I understood this dynamic, I could see his role more clearly.
Many of the clients Susan Forward worked with experienced similar issues:
“But what they all have in common is a partner who, for reasons that often seem incomprehensible, is unwilling to take a firm stand and actively set appropriate boundaries on his or her parents’ behavior. The sting of this lack of support is often far more painful than anything the in-laws themselves can do.”
Though we are often taught to respect our elders, Susan Forward makes a crucial point:
“Your in-laws are required to treat you with courtesy and respect. This is minimal and nonnegotiable. The toxic in-laws we’re about to meet consistently violate this basic tenet. Their dislike and discomfort are expressed overtly as disrespect of you and your spouse. Even if their interference is disguised and their aggression is passive instead of blatant, they have crossed the line into behavior aimed at chipping away your partner’s loyalty to you.”
If you’re dealing with toxic in-laws, I highly recommend this book. It teaches you about your rights as a spouse and gives invaluable advice—which is especially useful if you’re dealing with overbearing in-laws that could be destroying your marriage. You can also use it to determine if your in-laws are toxic.
I wouldn’t wish the experience of having a mother-in-law who plots to take away your children on anyone. There’s little you can do when you’re one against many. But knowledge is power, and if you suspect that your husband or in-laws may be plotting to take your children from you, don’t ignore the signs. People are capable of such cruelties, and your husband’s family may be no exception.
In December 2019, the universe reminded me of this truth. While I sat in my bedroom in Austria, my Chinese husband sent me a message on WeChat, informing me that he would send our children to school in China and that I had no power to stop it. He vowed that I would never see them again.
That was the day I knew I would divorce him.
Many years later, I’m still separated from my children. His and his mother’s plan has succeeded in every way. Yet, I am still alive, and so are my children, and for that, I am thankful.
Have you experienced toxic in-laws?