articles

China Elevator Stories

The 9 Most Common Reasons For Divorce in China

The reasons why couples divorce can differ from country to country.

16/07/2024

Ruth Silbermayr China Elevator Stories profile picture
Ruth Silbermayr

Author

According to this list on the Chinese website Toutiao, these are the 9 most common reasons Chinese couples divorce:

The 9 Most Common Reasons For Divorce in China

1. Extramarital affairs (40%)

2. Personality incompatibility (38%)

3. One party does not fulfill family obligations (16%)

4. Disharmony in marital life (3%)

5. One party goes abroad (3%)

6. Economic reasons (1%)

7. Relationships with relatives (1%)

8. Gambling (1%)

9. Domestic violence (1%)

Since domestic violence in China is not a rare occurrence – officially, one out of four women in China experiences domestic violence in their relationship – I am wondering why domestic violence doesn’t rank higher. To get closer to the real numbers, we have to assume that not every woman who has experienced domestic violence reports it (experiencing domestic violence commonly leads to feelings of shame in the victim, so some victims may not report it; in addition, domestic violence is often considered a family issue in China, and outsiders are not supposed to interfere – this often includes the authorities). Another factor to consider is what kind of behavior is considered domestic violence in China.

According to UN Women, “violence by a husband or male intimate partner (physical, sexual, or psychological) is the most widespread form of violence against women globally”. If one out of four women in China have experienced domestic violence in their relationships, we could conclude that they either don’t cite this as a main reason for divorce, divorce courts don’t take domestic violence seriously enough, China lacks protective laws that make it easier for victims of domestic violence to get a divorce, or it is too shameful for a Chinese woman to get a divorce because she has experienced domestic violence.

Domestic violence is usually a shame-based topic – women find it shameful to tell others that they experienced domestic violence in their relationship and may be frowned upon by others when they reveal it. There were a few well-known domestic violence cases in the Chinese media, which point to it being a huge issue, not just a small one.

Extramarital affairs are common in China, and Chinese men are more commonly known to cheat on their wives than the other way around. I have been married to a cheating spouse, as have many Chinese women and other Western women in AMWF relationships. If you were married to a man who was good at hiding his affairs, you may not have initially known you were married to a cheating spouse and would have never thought this could be the case with your husband. Mine always told me how monogamous he was, so finding out about his affairs during a time where we had already had two children together came as a real shock.

Personal incompatibility can stem from various factors: Many couples in China marry after not having known each other for long. This may be due to family pressure, societal pressure, or the pressure to marry when a woman has become pregnant so the child can be registered on a Hukou. There are many unplanned pregnancies in China because people less likely to use birth control than in Western countries, and once this happens, there are two options for a Chinese woman: one is to keep the child, which in most cases translates to getting married because without a Hukou, a child can’t legally be registered in China; the other option is to get an abortion.

It is not uncommon for an unplanned pregnancy to happen at the beginning of a relationship in China, at a time where the couple doesn’t know each other well.

One reason people are pressured into marriage in the category of societal pressure is age. Women are supposed to marry before a certain age. Women who are not married by that age are referred to as 剩女 (shèngnǚ) – or leftover women in English – and are considered less ideal marriage candidates compared to women who have not reached a certain age yet. Leftover women is a term used in China for women who are not married by their late twenties. The age at which a Chinese woman is supposed to be married can vary from region to region and is usually lower in more rural areas and a little higher in urban areas.

Another reason for personal incompatibility is the relatively high number of couples who have been matched by their parents. In China, the pressure to get married by both family and society is huge. The number one reason why Chinese parents want their daughter or son to marry is so that they will give birth to a grandson or granddaughter, not because they want their child to find the love of their life.

Some have resorted to renting a girlfriend or a boyfriend online to then introduce to their family at Chinese New Year’s, when they visit their family, so their family will stop putting pressure onto them. This person is not a real girlfriend or boyfriend, but a person who will act as though they are and who is being paid for acting the girlfriend or the boyfriend of another person.

Personal incompatibility can also occur when a person seems to change during the course of the marriage. This is often the case with abusers and I have experienced this with my Chinese ex-husband. Once I was pregnant and about 2 years into my relationship with my former husband, it seemed like he had all of a sudden changed. Abusers keep up a mask when they get to know you initially, and once they show who they really are, you will think you have married a completely different person. I could hardly recognize the person my ex-husband had turned into after about 2 years of being married.

A lot of marriages in China are still arranged, and not love marriages. Even though people purport that arranged marriages can sometimes work, it is more likely that people are more compatible if they married because they fell in love. In arranged marriages, factors such as status, education, salary, and wealth can be the defining factors for parents who force their daughters or sons into marriage.

What were the reasons you divorced?

Follow me on: