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China Elevator Stories
How to Spot a Voyeur
Some narcissists are voyeuristic, which is why it’s helpful to know what to look for.
25/06/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
What feels uncomfortable may be different for different people, but there are certain things that feel uncomfortable to most women—such as being stared at by a creep while naked in their own bathroom.
That’s why there are privacy laws—laws that give us the right to stay private in our own homes, when our door is closed, and even when it isn’t. A stranger isn’t just allowed to come into our home, stay there, or move in without asking us—though the creepiest people may do just that.
There are all different kinds of men, and some have better boundaries than others. Narcissists are known not to respect other people’s boundaries. Though my ex-husband doesn’t respect my boundaries when it comes to stalking me, initially, he actually respected certain boundaries better than other men I’ve met or been with. One boyfriend I had was actually worse when it came to respecting my boundaries—though his violations weren’t as extreme as those of certain malignant narcissists, and he wasn’t a malignant narcissist.
So that’s actually one thing I really appreciated in the beginning when I was dating my ex-husband: the fact that he had good boundaries, respected most of mine, would reinforce them with other people when needed, and that I could talk about them with him—and he would listen. It was actually the best experience I’ve had with any man when it comes to respecting my boundaries, all in all. This may sound strange, since so many bad things happened later in the relationship—but in terms of boundaries, though there were issues of abuse, intimidation, verbal threats, and fights at times, I mostly felt at ease when it came to how he respected my space and my privacy.
I mean, he could be very controlling, overly controlling. But a lot of the time, especially later in our relationship, I was also alone and had time to myself. In the beginning, even though we spent every minute together, he stayed in his space and I stayed in mine. He didn’t cross over in a way that blurred the lines of identity, of where his body ended and mine started.
What do I like in a man? A man who respects a woman’s boundaries. A man who lets her spend time on her own. My ex-husband and I could sit in the same room—he did his stuff, I did mine—and he didn’t bother me, just allowed me my space. That’s why things worked pretty well in our day-to-day life.
Even though, like I’ve said in other posts, the relationship was abusive, other aspects of the relationship weren’t actually that bad or I wouldn’t have married my ex back in the days when the abuse was a bit less and I felt like we were equals making decisions together.
Now, if you’ve ever been threatened by a malignant narcissist and you’ve ever threatened them back or become otherwise aggressive or thrown something so the aggressor would go away—don’t worry. I understand. The most extreme people can push completely normal people over the edge. Kind, gentle people can become angry, annoyed, aggressive, or even violent. I’m not judging anyone who has been provoked that far.
No narcissist will ever truly allow you to be yourself. And if you’re an introvert who enjoys peace and being alone, most narcissists will try to change that. They may turn a quiet person into an angry, loud one simply by provoking them every day—threatening them, putting them in violent or dangerous situations, never leaving them alone, and never stopping to talk even when you ask them to.
You may stop liking yourself after being changed into someone else by a narcissist. But know that I understand how severe they can be. I’ve been there. I know in my body and soul what this looks like. No judgment—it is what it is.
Back to the feeling of discomfort we may feel around certain people. That feeling may be your first red flag that something is wrong with them. I’ve dealt with two stalkers, both voyeuristic—and those are the worst. I’m by nature a quiet, private person who doesn’t like to put herself out there. I warm up to trustworthy people and love sharing stories with them. But if someone seems creepy, untrustworthy, or dangerous, I won’t share anything private—nothing that’s none of their business.
Voyeuristic people aren’t just a little off—they’re very off. Think about using a Chinese squat toilet, and a man wanting to hug you naked while he has an erected penis and you’re trying to use the toilet. Yikes. But that’s how a voyeur might behave. It’s just one example—there are others that are equally disgusting.
A voyeur won’t feel disgusted by things that would repulse most people. They might be perfectly comfortable looking at the insides of your bowels and studying them all day—then speaking to you about it as if you had given them permission, or even discussing it publicly. They lack the boundaries a healthy person would have, as well as a normal sense of disgust or an awareness of separation between themselves and the person they’re voyeuristically stalking.
Usually, a healthy person will feel like their boundaries have been violated—or that the other person is sick. A voyeur, on the other hand, won’t see anything wrong with their behavior. They operate on a different compass, without that internal scanner that tells them when something is too private or too intimate.
A person who wants to watch you having sex? Also voyeuristic. That person lacks any sensor that tells them when something is private and should be respected.
Have you ever experienced voyeuristic people?