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China Elevator Stories
What Does Racism in Intercultural Relationships Look Like?
There are certain signs that a person doesn’t treat you equally because of your race.
21/11/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Sometimes we may assume that people in intercultural couples are particularly tolerant, but often the opposite is true. I have observed a rise in Chinese nationalism (though Chinese people have always been proud of their heritage, sometimes seeing themselves as superior to others), and it seems to be increasing rather than decreasing. Chinese nationalism—the belief that the Chinese race is superior—is deeply ingrained in many Chinese, and few challenge their own assumptions about their race, often seeing it as better to other races rather than equal (or similar).
I am not saying that the Chinese are inferior; rather, I am pointing out that others are equal or similar and should not be considered inferior. Many Chinese seem to carry a sense of superiority regarding their race, which can be noticeable if you have ever been to China. While they may be friendly, depending on the individual, you might also be perceived as less intelligent or inferior in terms of your customs, traditions, literature, or philosophies—though not necessarily Confucian ones (and, of course, not everyone needs to adopt a philosophy as a state ideology). In many Western countries, religion often played a role similar to that of state ideology in China and can be considered a form of philosophy, though these come with their own moral frameworks.
If one person is a narcissist, they may portray themselves as particularly tolerant at first (and this can last for two years, for all I know), but their true colors will eventually show. You may be treated kindly and as an equal in the beginning, only to find yourself waking up one day to constant put-downs based on your race, being made to feel inferior because of it. I have experienced this repeatedly, including from a singer who criticized me for not being “black.”
These are signs of racism if you are or were with a person of a different nationality or cultural background, especially if you have children together:
1. Overt racist remarks or beliefs
- Making derogatory comments about one of the child’s racial or ethnic backgrounds.
- Insisting the child is “too […]” to behave a certain way or succeed.
- Joking about stereotypes or slurs, even in front of the children.
2. Favoritism or unequal treatment
- Showing preference for one child based on skin tone or racial features—for example, criticizing a mixed-race child for not looking like other Chinese children or not having a flat head like them.
- Giving harsher discipline or setting lower expectations for a child of a certain racial background—or, in cases of what I call “benevolent racism,” being more lenient because the child is objectified due to their race or mixed heritage and perceived as inherently more intelligent or superior. In such cases, a person fails to see the child’s true personality and instead projects certain qualities onto them.
3. Undermining the other parent
- Criticizing your cultural or racial practices, traditions, or language in front of the children (except when addressing practices that are genuinely harmful or unsafe—for example, my ex-husband telling me I wasn’t allowed to brush my teeth a month after giving birth, which is clearly unhealthy).
- Suggesting that your parenting style is “wrong” because of your race or ethnicity (see the WeChat message in this post).
- Denigrating family members or communities of your racial or ethnic background (my ex frequently did this regarding my parents, even though my father helped him generously with housing and a car in Austria).
4. Imposing or erasing racial identity
- Forcing children to identify with one racial group while minimizing or dismissing the other (my ex does this, insisting my children see themselves as fully Chinese and reject Austrian identity, except for some foods).
- Refusing to teach or acknowledge the child’s heritage, culture, or history from one side of the family, or preventing the other parent from doing so. In severe cases, such as mine, one parent may even separate a child from the other parent to erase the child’s connection to the other culture.
- Encouraging children to reject parts of their racial identity to “fit in” (my ex takes this to an extreme. Constantly worrying about others’ approval of their mixed identity prevents children from living freely; why should they care what others think?).
5. Covert racism
- Subtle comments like “You’re so articulate for a […] kid” or “I don’t want them hanging out with people like that.” (People may do this behind your back and you won’t know but wonder why nobody is willing to meet up with your kids.)
- Microaggressions that normalize stereotypes.
- Making decisions about schools, neighborhoods, or friendships based on racial bias.
Impact on children and the other parent
- Children may internalize shame or confusion about their racial identity.
- Mixed-race children may feel pressure to “choose” a side or minimize part of themselves.
- The non-racist parent may feel undermined, powerless, or constantly have to counteract bias. (That’s certainly me!).
If you have experienced anything similar, I would love to hear from you. Knowing that others face the same challenges can help people realize they are not alone. This kind of behavior happens frequently, especially in cultures where nationalism is encouraged and where the supposed superiority of one’s own race over others is taught from a very young age.
Have you ever experienced racism?