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China Elevator Stories
On Staying At Your In-Laws' And Cultural Differences
I talk about my experience of staying at my in-laws’ with my husband and friends.
10/12/2013
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
The first time I meet my in-laws in person is in the summer of 2013, when we visit them in my husband’s hometown, Siping. We stay at their tiny old house during our visit. During our stay, my MIL does everything for me. She cooks, washes the dishes, makes the bed for us, cleans the room, heats up my Chinese medicine, washes our clothes, and accompanies me anywhere I go. She holds my hand (well, actually, it’s more like grasping my wrist)—not only when we cross a street but even when we walk down a pedestrian-only street. I tell her repeatedly that I can walk on my own, but to no avail.
I’m not the only one who gets spoiled like a 3-year-old kid (though, even as a 3-year-old, I couldn’t have been spoiled like that—after all, I grew up in a big family with many brothers and sisters and had to do household chores from a young age).
On the fourth day of our stay, my husband can’t bear it anymore. He tells her that she doesn’t have to treat us like little kids, that she doesn’t have to do everything for us, and that we’re fine on our own (just like in Shenzhen, where we do everything ourselves). He explains that I’m not used to having everything done for me and that I prefer to walk to places on my own.
When he tells me this, I ask him about her reaction. He says, “She said that I have finally grown up now.”
Later, when my husband and I are back in Shenzhen, two friends visit us from Switzerland. One is a male Chinese friend I met during my studies in Kunming; the other is his wife, a Swiss woman.
We talk about our experiences of living with in-laws.
My Chinese friend tells me about his experience of living with his wife’s parents in Switzerland: “It was really weird for me. I had to help so much around the house. I had to help clean the dishes, clean the house—I even had to help in the garden. I saw that my wife’s father got up to do the dishes, so I got up too. I mean, in China, you rarely see men doing the dishes, but I thought, if this is common here, I have to help too. And my father-in-law was really happy about it. In China, if you’re the guest of someone, the host will try to make your stay as comfortable as possible. That’s why they do everything for you.”
His wife adds: “If we had stayed there for only three days, you wouldn’t have had to help around the house either. But we basically lived there over a period of a year, so that’s a completely different situation. Also, our parents had to bring us up all these years, so when we visit them now, we try to help as much as we can.”
My friend is surprised by her answer and says: “In China, your parents will think that you’re probably exhausted from work, so they’ll do everything for you to make you feel comfortable.”
She tells me: “When I stay at my in-laws’ in China, my MIL also does everything for me. I’ve realized that there’s no sense in asking if she needs help—she’ll definitely decline. But if I just go over, push her away, and do those things myself, I can sense that she’s really happy about it and appreciates my help.”
Have you ever felt that someone did much more for you than you thought necessary?