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China Elevator Stories
When a Narcissistic Parent Uses Racism to Alienate Mixed Children
My children’s connection to my culture and language has been severely undermined by their narcissistic Chinese father’s actions.
14/08/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
If you are dealing with a malignant narcissist and are part of a couple (or former couple) with mixed children, it is common to experience racism from that parent.
I have certainly experienced a lot of racism from my ex-husband and am currently receiving many racist messages. He is clearly racist toward me but masks it by claiming I am the racist—simply because I ask our children to learn basic manners, polite behavior, and safety rules. This would be completely normal for an Austrian parent to expect, and it can also be common in China, but usually only if the couple is educated enough to enforce such rules.
Psychologists refer to this tactic—flipping the accusation back onto the victim—as projection, a hallmark of narcissistic abuse.
It is also common for such a parent to use the children to turn them not only against the other parent but also against the other culture. Experts call this parental alienation, which, when combined with cultural or racial elements, becomes even more damaging to a child’s identity formation.
Signs the other parent (or grandparents) may be doing this include:
1. Discouraging the kids from learning the targeted parent’s language or participating in their cultural practices.
This may mean not allowing the other parent’s holiday traditions at all, not allowing them to be fully celebrated, or forcing the other parent to adjust these traditions so they no longer resemble the traditions of that country.
My ex-husband did this, citing reasons such as “finances” (which wasn’t true) or that his parents didn’t agree with our children celebrating in that way. Recently, he told me our children couldn’t learn German because they were living in Chinese surroundings, where others might view them differently if they learned it.
This is a form of cultural erasure. Research shows that bilingual children benefit cognitively, socially, and academically from speaking both parents’ languages. By blocking language transmission, a parent isn’t protecting children but limiting them.
2. Commenting on the children’s appearance in a biased way.
In China, I have seen my ex-husband and his parents prevent our children from going into the sun. In the West, doctors often recommend moderate sun exposure—especially for children—for healthy Vitamin D production, which also helps with calcium absorption and bone health.
My younger son has even been told his skin “doesn’t look great” if it darkens. In Austria, a sun-kissed look is often considered healthy or attractive, but in many Asian societies, lighter skin is idealized. This preference has roots in historical class divisions—pale skin associated with wealth and indoor work, darker skin with outdoor labor.
Such remarks may seem “cultural,” but to the child they communicate shame about part of who they are. Studies confirm that children who receive negative messages about their appearance or racial identity can develop low self-esteem and internalized racism.
My former mother-in-law often made negative comments about the shape of my children’s heads and other things based on her preconceived notions that the Chinese are superior, while other cultures are less advanced or inferior. She also portrayed me as unintelligent because I followed “foreign traditions” and used child-friendly methods to raise my children, focusing on their emotional needs, teaching them respect for others, and encouraging sharing—lessons she had not learned herself. This was evident when she took my children from me instead of allowing them to have a mother.
My ex-husband is equally selfish. He believes he has the exclusive right to parent our children simply because he is Chinese and, in his view, superior. He maintains a victim mentality regarding historical humiliations of China and has projected this onto me, accusing me of discriminating against Chinese people in his hometown. This is not true. (It is important to report negative experiences, such as sexism or discrimination, without mislabeling them as racism.)
3. Encouraging the children to identify only with one racial background, erasing the other parent’s heritage.
My ex-husband has accused me of being racist for teaching our children manners and respect—skills that are universal, not cultural. He has also forbidden them to learn German, insisting that “they live in China and must act like Chinese children.”
This denies them a bicultural identity. Research shows that bicultural children—when supported to integrate both heritages—tend to have higher resilience, broader worldviews, and greater career opportunities. Denying one side of their background deprives them of these benefits.
Other common behaviors of such parents include:
- Ignoring or contradicting the other parent’s decisions in front of the children, especially when related to race, culture, or identity.
- Treating the targeted parent’s relatives as unimportant, blocking visits, or speaking badly about them.
- Recruiting grandparents or relatives to reinforce the alienation.
- Painting the other culture as “bad,” “inferior,” or “wrong,” not through fair critique but through exaggeration and distortion.
This has happened to me: my children were cut off from their mother tongue, visits to Austria were blocked, and my ex-husband repeatedly tried to forbid travel. These actions fit a well-documented pattern of narcissistic control and cultural alienation.
He also believes he knows Austria and Austrian culture better than I do, despite never truly adapting to it and having spent only a few months in the country. He has pressured me to ‘become Chinese’ in order to fit in. This is not healthy cultural exchange—it is coercion.
I have always adapted to Chinese culture in an appropriate way, but I refuse to deny my Austrian identity or other natural, inborn traits, such as introversion (which he also wanted to suppress), or to allow Chinese men to sexually harass me or expect me to bow down to them—something many Chinese women also do not do, so why should I?
Why This Matters for Children
Denying children their full cultural heritage is not just unfair to the other parent—it harms the children themselves. Multicultural and bilingual children thrive when they are allowed to integrate both identities. When one side is erased, they may experience confusion, shame, and identity struggles later in life.
Parenting should be about teaching children life skills, respect, and openness. When one parent weaponizes race and culture to alienate the other, the children are the ones who pay the deepest price.
If you are experiencing this, know that you are not alone. Many parents around the world face similar struggles when raising children in intercultural families. And always remember: erasing a child’s heritage is not in their best interest.
If you have had a similar experience, feel free to share it in the comments.
Have you ever experienced cultural alienation?