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China Elevator Stories
When Laughter Surprised My Austrian-Chinese Son
Being around people who laughed was unfamiliar to my son.
04/09/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
One truly heartwarming experience with my younger son was the following:
When I smiled or laughed at him, he would constantly ask why I was doing this. I used to do the same when he was little, and he had always been a happy child who often smiled and laughed, even as a baby. We shared many wonderful moments together, and I enjoyed his cheerful, humorous nature.
In contrast, his Chinese grandmother rarely smiled or laughed and did not understand humor. She was a bitter, cruel, and greedy woman who constantly competed with others and was never satisfied with what she had, often taking what belonged to others. Only by hurting others did she seem truly happy.
My Chinese ex-husband was also usually stern and rarely laughed, at least during the last few years we lived together (though that’s hardly what you could call “living together,” since he was rarely home and no longer shared a bedroom with me, as we had at the beginning of our relationship). He had a sense of humor I enjoyed when we first met, but, like many narcissists, he seemed to take more pleasure in ruining others’ moods and would criticize me whenever I was lighthearted, joking, or laughing later on. Living with him was not enjoyable at all. If he made fun of anyone, it was always at someone else’s expense, without any genuine lightheartedness or friendly humor. In the final years before I left China in 2019, he rarely smiled at me when I smiled at him and often appeared angry and serious.
Now, I don’t mind it when people are serious sometimes, since being serious is actually a trait I appreciate, particularly when a situation requires a thoughtful approach. Constantly making fun of serious matters or engaging in similar childish behavior is not something I enjoy experiencing. However, when someone is always serious and can’t joke—especially about themselves, admit a mistake or flaw, and laugh about it—that is also someone I don’t enjoy being around. I also don’t mind if someone uses humor thoughtfully in a serious situation, but it needs to be appropriate and respectful.
I am a humorous person and get along well with people who understand humor and can use it naturally in daily life. That said, it shouldn’t become excessive—where someone tries to joke all the time, even in completely inappropriate situations, without considering how others feel.
I have sometimes been attacked by narcissists (sometimes even violently) when I was joking, since they can’t stand seeing someone laugh or have an enjoyable time—at least those who are less fun to be around. Certainly, some narcissists are able to use humor, but even so, they usually aren’t much fun to be around all the time, because they can still be abusive in other situations.
Back to my son. Against this backdrop, it was truly amusing that he found it so strange when I smiled and laughed. He paid close attention to social cues on my face, and whenever I laughed, he would point out, “Mom’s laughing.” In my experience, many Chinese people do not laugh as much as people in some other cultures. It is not as common to joke around or laugh for no particular reason. I understand that sometimes there may be nothing to laugh about, especially if someone is grieving or has experienced ongoing abuse. But it amazed me that my son did not initially realize that people could sometimes laugh without a specific reason. I simply explained that I sometimes laughed just because I was happy, and after a few weeks, he got used to it. When I joke, I always clarify that I am joking, and my older son has started trying to joke a little as well. Children learn from their parents and caregivers, and if they grow up around people who rarely smile or laugh, that becomes their norm.
Laughing in China can be different from how it is in Europe. For some people, laughter carries the same meaning as it does for Austrians, while for others, it may indicate embarrassment. About 15 years ago, I taught German classes to newly arrived Chinese immigrants in Austria. Many students would laugh when I asked them a question—not because it was funny, but because they felt embarrassed that they did not know the answer. So, laughter does not always mean the same thing across cultures.
Historically, Chinese women would cover their mouths with their hands when laughing. I was told this was to prevent others from seeing their teeth or any food that might be caught between them, such as while laughing at the dinner table. More broadly, it was considered a sign of modesty and the proper etiquette for women.
It is still common for Chinese women to cover their mouths when laughing, and this practice is also common in other Asian cultures, such as Japan.
Have you also noticed this difference?