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China Elevator Stories
“It Has Hit Me Really Hard That He Has A Girlfriend”
A co-worker in Shenzhen confides in me a story of being unhappily in love.
18/02/2014
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
I want to go for lunch. On my way to the restaurant, I walk past a café and hear someone call me by my Chinese name. I think it’s just my imagination and keep walking. But then I hear someone call my name again.
One of my female co-workers is sitting at a table in front of the café, hidden behind some bushes. I’ve never spoken to her before, but I go over and ask what she’s doing here.
She tells me, “I needed to get some fresh air.”
“Are you feeling unwell?”
“I am. Are you going to eat something?”
“That’s my plan. Have you eaten yet?”
“I haven’t. I haven’t felt like eating for over three days.”
“Are you feeling unwell physically or emotionally?”
“Emotionally.”
She gestures for me to sit down at the chair opposite her. I sit down and ask, “What’s the matter?”
“There’s this guy. We’ve always been chatting on QQ. A few days ago, he told me he’s had a girlfriend for the past six months, and that they’re going to buy a house in Northeast China. He’s from Northeast China, just like me. People from Northeast China like to be with others from Northeast China. We got along so well. It’s really hit me hard that he has a girlfriend.”
“Did you know each other only through QQ?”
“Well, kind of.”
I try to get a better picture of the situation, so I ask, “How old are you?”
“I was born in 1985.”
“How long have you known each other?”
“For nine years.”
“That’s a really long time. Is he living here in Shenzhen or in Northeast China?”
“In Shenzhen.”
I continue, “Have you ever met him in real life?”
She says, “One time, I saw him at a subway stop. I only saw him from a distance, but I knew it was him from the photos. I walked toward him. He was typing something on his phone, looked up, and smiled at me. At that time, I was still a bit far from him, but I think he knew it was me. Before I could reach him, the subway arrived, and he got on it. I was waiting for the subway in the other direction. I messaged him afterward, saying I had just seen him.”
“When he told me he had a girlfriend, I wanted to call him. I wanted him to give me an explanation, to hear his voice. I called his number, but he didn’t pick up. I called again, but he still didn’t answer. He’s started ignoring me. I’ve already deleted his QQ contact and his WeChat contact. If only I could talk to him. I’d like to talk to him and let him know that we could still be friends. Do you think there’s any chance he might add me again on QQ?”
I tell her my opinion: “To be honest, I don’t think he will. But I also think this is better for you. If he keeps in contact with you, you might just get hurt even more. It might take some time, but I think it’s best if you try to forget him. Have you talked about this with your Chinese friends? Maybe they have a better understanding of the whole situation.”
She says, “Not really. I’ve been living in Shenzhen for a very long time, but I’m only friends with a few co-workers. I really don’t feel like going back to work at the moment. I thought sitting here might make me feel a little better. When I’m at home, I think about it way too much.”
“Have you tried going out and distracting your mind? Don’t think about it too much. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Maybe it didn’t work out because it wasn’t meant to. I do believe in destiny. Maybe you’re not destined to be together, and you’ll meet someone else.”
“I once believed it was destiny that we met. You know, seeing him at the subway stop and all.”
I inquire, “Have you ever told him about your feelings or talked about your relationship with him?”
She tells me, “No, never. I’ve had feelings for him ever since, but I never told him. I’m not sure if he had feelings for me or not—he never told me. Except for that, I used to tell him everything. I could tell him anything. Now that I’ve deleted his QQ contact, it feels like something’s missing. And since he’s buying a house with his girlfriend, I guess they want to get married. You see, he’s already 34. Maybe his family is putting pressure on him. After all, 34 is an age when a Chinese guy should settle down and get married.”
“I’m not sure what his feelings for you were in the past, but he seems to have moved on. I know it’s not easy, but you should do the same.”
She tells me it was good to talk to me about this. A little while later, I go to get something to eat, and she goes back to the office.
Has a stranger ever entrusted you with such personal matters?