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China Elevator Stories
“I don’t want to keep the baby”
A Chinese friend tells me this in the spring of 2014.
21/08/2014
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
One day in the fall of 2013, a 27-year-old Chinese friend sends me a message on QQ, telling me that she broke up with her boyfriend. She doesn’t seem too sad about it: “He didn’t really seem to care about me, and we were fighting a lot. I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy. I’m doing fine just on my own.”
A few minutes later, she adds, “If you know anyone you can introduce to me, let me know.”
I ask her, “Well, what kind of guy are you looking for? What are your preferences?”
“He has to treat me well, that’s all.”
A few months later, she tells me that she has found a boyfriend. When I ask how they met, she says they were introduced by friends. She adds that their story is pretty ordinary—nothing worth mentioning.
During Spring Festival 2014, they visit both sets of parents. In China, introducing your girlfriend or boyfriend to your parents often means you’re just one step away from getting married.
Right after Spring Festival, my friend tells me, “I’m pregnant!”
I knew she wanted to have a baby all along, so this news doesn’t come as a surprise—she had told me she wanted a baby even before she got together with her new boyfriend.
Two weeks later, she tells me, “I don’t want to keep the baby. My boyfriend doesn’t want to get married too soon.*”
Another week passes, and she sends me a wedding invitation.
When my husband and I attend her wedding banquet in March 2014 and meet her husband for the first time, we ask her why she chose to be with him. She replies, “He’s a great cook.”
At the wedding banquet, she’s three months pregnant and planning to keep the baby. Her bump isn’t showing yet, which is one of the reasons she didn’t want to wait too long to get married.
*Chinese mothers who have a child out of wedlock must pay a “social compensation fee” that can amount to the equivalent of one year’s income. Additionally, their child cannot be legally registered within the Chinese household registration system (hukou), making it impossible for the child to attend public kindergarten and school or receive social insurance. Beyond these legal issues, single mothers often face “moral condemnation by society,” as many believe having a child out of wedlock is a “personal mistake” made by the mother.
Have you ever heard of a similar story?
This is part of the series ‘Conversations with Locals in China,’ where I share conversations with Chinese people on my blog.