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The Four Tendencies: Rebels and Questioners
Each of us are born with one main tendency: either Rebel, Questioner, Upholder or Obliger.
24/05/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Gretchen Rubin developed a framework of four personality types and wrote a book about them called The Four Tendencies (published in 2017).
On her website, you can read more about these different tendencies. She has observed that,
in a nutshell: the Four Tendencies describe how people tend to respond to expectations: outer expectations (a work deadline, a “request” from a sweetheart) and inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, keep a New Year’s resolution).
In an older article, I mentioned that the four tendencies overlap with the Four Greek Elements (Air, Water, Fire, and Earth). These elements are similar to the Five Chinese Elements, with the exception of Air, which corresponds to either Wood or Metal in the Chinese system.
You might wonder how we can correctly identify our main element. Our body language, gestures, thought patterns, speech, posture, movement, social interactions, and even facial features often reveal our dominant type and element.
Sometimes, people misidentify their main element, confusing it with their secondary or tertiary elements.
In Chinese medicine, natural rhythms, and other worldviews, everything moves in cycles. We all embody all four tendencies and all four or five elements to varying degrees. That’s how we are born—with every element within us, though some are more dominant than others.
So, if you have one main tendency, you’ll also have a second tendency.
My main element is Air, followed by Water. Interestingly, my older son also has Water as his secondary element, and we share similar traits—like paying attention to detail (my younger son, shown in the pictures above, is a Type 1, also having Air as his main element). Type 2s (Water) are usually naturally good at paying attention to details, as described by Carol Tuttle. She has written extensively about the Four Types and their connections to the Greek Elements.
Children can teach us a lot about what is innate and what is shaped by the environment. When my older son was a toddler, he asked countless questions—sometimes thousands a day. If I didn’t answer them, he would become anxious. But when I responded, he felt reassured.
He had to get to know every little thing about our world—how things work and what people think. He also wanted to learn different letters of the alphabet when he was about five months old, tried to roll over and start walking when he was about two months old, and was fluent in Chinese and could read Chinese characters when he was still a baby (just kidding—but he was eager to learn a lot at a very young age). I’ve heard he wants to become a doctor, though I’m not sure if it’s his own free decision or if he’s under the spell of his Chinese grandmother, who seems to believe that this profession might make her look good in other people’s eyes.
Certainly, the last time I showed him a picture of body organs—uhm, to test whether he truly wanted to become a doctor or if grown-ups were pressuring him into choosing that profession without him actually wanting to become one—he didn’t seem very interested in learning their English names (he’s a Type 3, Fire).
Most of the time, he’s nowhere to be seen when I call. My younger son usually picks up the phone, but my older son is rarely present. We used to have a good relationship, but it has been completely destroyed over the past few years by the alienation caused by his father and Chinese grandparents.
I relate to a Questioner’s innate need to have questions answered: when I’m around safe, trustworthy, and reliable people who are willing to answer my questions, I feel at ease. But when I’m around people who are hostile, manipulative, or evasive—who respond with verbal abuse or silent treatment instead of answers—I get anxious. Anxiety can reach an all-time high in those situations, both for kids and grown-ups who have Questioner as their main or secondary energy and who are also HSPs, empaths, or a combination of both (which are often people who feel anxious a lot). Not having important and necessary questions answered can literally feel like dying, as can not getting enough information when that information is needed for survival.
According to Gretchen Rubin, people who ask many questions often have the “Questioner” tendency. I’ve experienced frustration from others when I ask too many questions. But for me, asking questions is essential—whether it’s to understand a topic or a graphic design project when I worked in that field. I also ask questions to get a sense of who someone is or what they expect. I enjoy both asking and receiving answers, though I don’t enjoy constantly being questioned myself—especially when the intent feels manipulative, as with narcissists who use your answers against you or when a person asks me a lot of questions without answering any themselves.
I’m making a list of the questions that Questioners pose, before they meet an expectation. Forming a habit is a form of expectation (whether self-imposed or other-imposed), so to form a habit successfully, Questioners need to have their questions answered. They often ask:
—Why should I listen to you? (This question isn’t meant in a snarky way, but literally.) What’s your expertise? A friend told me, “When my son broke his arm, I interviewed four doctors. My husband thought I was crazy, but I can’t listen to a doctor unless I have complete trust.”
–Why should I have to do this, instead of someone else? My husband and household habits. Questioners are great at delegating, unless they think that no one else can do something.
–Where can I get more information? Questioners love information and research. In fact, they sometimes complain of “analysis paralysis”; they want more and more information.
–How can I tweak this habit to suit my individual needs?
–Isn’t there a better way to structure this habit? Questioners like to find better ways to do things.
–What problems has everyone else overlooked, that I can identify? Questioners are good at spotting error.
Once, my older son was upset when I told him I didn’t know the answer to all of his questions (when he was still a toddler and we were still living together in Siping). At the age of two, he thought I knew everything. But to me, it’s healthy to admit mistakes or uncertainty. I find it uncomfortable when someone (especially a narcissist) pretends to be infallible.
Some people dislike being asked questions. But for me, it’s natural and not upsetting. You’ll often find this trait in those with the Questioner tendency, whether it’s their dominant or secondary tendency. Our secondary tendency can be quite prominent in our daily behavior.
If you grew up in an environment where asking questions wasn’t discouraged, you were likely raised in a healthy setting that valued open dialogue and free speech. Unfortunately, not all children experience this. Parents are seen as authority figures, but they don’t always have all the answers and may misuse their authority.
In any case, asking a lot of questions can indicate a Questioner tendency.
Gretchen Rubin defines Questioners as those who question all expectations:
They’ll only meet an expectation if they think it makes sense—essentially, they turn all expectations into internal ones: “I’ll comply—if you convince me why.”
Even though Questioner is my secondary tendency, this description fits me well. I’m not sure how often Rebels (another of the Four Tendencies) are also Truth Tellers, or if Questioners often overlap with Truth Tellers. But someone who questions all expectations may certainly not be too far from being a Truth Teller or it may simply be a good tendency for a Truth Teller.
Rebels, my dominant tendency, are described as follows:
Rebels resist all expectations—outer and inner alike: “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”
I resonate with that. Rebels enjoy being free-spirited. We’re not necessarily anti-everything, but if we sense coercion or manipulation, we usually resist. In my opinion, Rebels are often intelligent because they resist peer pressure and protect their autonomy. They may not be rebellious in the conventional sense but can become so when society feels overly controlling.
Carol Tuttle’s framework describes Air (Rebels) as a soft element—not reactive but adaptable. It may be pushed around by stronger elements. Rebels are often humorous, social, and easygoing, with facial features shaped like stars, hearts, or circles. Many are drawn to freedom and dislike having expectations imposed on them. They need space and to feel free.
Rebels often resist rules that don’t make sense or staying around people who are too controlling. If you’re an intelligent Rebel, you might resist following authority figures who seem less competent or people who are in a position of authority without being a real authority. This might sound arrogant, but it’s a real experience for many. (Not that I think I’m smarter than everyone—but I’ve met a lot of people who weren’t particularly bright, and this can be frustrating.)
Rubins writes that
if Rebels are pushed to show you that “you’re not the boss of me, you can’t tell me what to do,” they may seem wild, inconsiderate, irresponsible, unmanageable, in their desire to demonstrate their freedom. If they’re given the choice to act with consideration, love, protectiveness, self-interest, they may well choose to do so.
Tuttle also notes that Rebels are quick thinkers who often grasp ideas quickly—sometimes even finishing other people’s sentences. They need things to feel light, not burdensome. Rebels may struggle to complete difficult tasks if those tasks feel too heavy or obligatory. If someone frequently starts things without finishing them, they might be a Rebel (Type 1 in Tuttle’s system). Of course, others can behave this way too—like my ex-husband, who often left things half-done, leaving me to finish them. For example, I once began reteaching our children German and had two video classes with them. Then he abruptly stopped it. He claimed it was part of his plan to move to Austria with our children in about three years. He said they needed to learn German for that. But it was just another ploy—first to keep me from coming to China, and once I was in China, to push me to leave as quickly as possible. Hahaha! If you’ve been betrayed once using the same lies, you’re not likely to believe them again. Still, I can see how someone might fall for it—especially when he tells our kids they’ll move to Austria and gets them started learning German. It can make the lie look real.
Another tendency Rebels have is that they crave variety. If you saw my CV, you’d quickly guess I’m a Rebel. We tend to jump between jobs and enjoy moving between cities or countries. For instance, I enjoy living in China because it offers so much cultural and geographical variety.
When it comes to jobs, I’ve done everything from writing articles to graphic design, illustration, and teaching German. Whenever I stay in one position for too long, I usually feel the urge to change—either by switching to a different type of work or changing my surroundings. Of course, coworkers and work culture matter too. Some jobs are great for Rebels, and we don’t feel the need to leave them. But others can feel too stifling—whether it’s the job itself, the coworkers, or the management.
Others might see this as unprofessional—and I understand why—but to Rebels, it’s about avoiding the monotony of “same old, same old.” Still, we can also enjoy periods of stability and settling down. We certainly may not enjoy having no stability or having “moving objects” at home (objects that aren’t staying in one place because someone else clutters our space and constantly moves every object—such as moving everything 23 times daily or constantly throwing away stuff and buying new things every day because they got bored. That’s not necessarily what having variety means to a Rebel).
A Rebel might also cycle through different friend groups. My father was a Rebel, as were both my maternal grandmother and grandfather. My maternal grandmother stayed in one place for most of her life and was quite stable, all in all, not needing too much adventure and change, but she was a Truth Teller—blunt and honest. She was social and kind, always ready to help when help was needed, yet never alienating a child from their parents. She respected other people’s boundaries and privacy and demonstrated healthy social behavior. I didn’t know that some grandmothers could take grandchildren away from their mothers to raise them instead—like my former Chinese mother-in-law did—so I was unprepared for such a situation.
I mean, I had heard that Austrian grandmothers might have been quite strict and sometimes tried to alienate children or engaged in power struggles with their daughters-in-law—perhaps even trying to push them out of the family—but that was Austria around the time of the First World War or during other former times. I didn’t realize that this kind of behavior was still common in some parts of the world.
Parental alienation is also reportedly common in Austria. Stealing children becomes especially dangerous in international relationships, particularly when each parent is from a different country. In some cases, it may be easier for one parent to take the children, especially if that parent refuses to move to the other’s home country—ensuring they retain custody. This, among other factors, can make such situations especially complex and painful.
Sometimes, a narcissist may be mistaken for a Rebel. Narcissists often don’t follow rules and may simply ignore what’s best for their child. My ex-husband, who is particularly difficult to reach agreements with, is not a Rebel—though, because of his narcissistic tendencies, he may appear to be one. He is a Type 4, Earth element, with Type 1, Air element, as his tertiary element (his secondary is Fire, and Water is last among the four elements).
If they are unlucky, a Rebel who is not a narcissist may be mistaken as a narcissist or be portrayed to be one.
Growing up in a family that felt like a Truth Teller family, I never realized how different other families could be. When I moved to Vienna, I was shocked by how indirectly people communicated. Conversations often felt blocked or unclear.
I’ve come to believe that many people in Vienna may be what I’d call “Brainwashed Children.” They communicate very differently from Truth Tellers. Truth Tellers—like Trump, for example—just say whatever is on their mind in a blunt, direct way. While I don’t agree with everything he says or does, his communication style often makes me laugh. It’s so straightforward that it can feel oddly freeing, especially after being around people who constantly hold back their thoughts or words.
That said, I understand that some of his policies and ideas are, frankly, extreme. I’m not a Trump supporter, but I’m simply pointing out that after spending time in a country where open expression is punished frequently (which is the case in Austria), hearing someone speak so freely can be a refreshing contrast.
Now, as far as I can discern, he has a different main tendency, but let’s not get into his tendency here.
As you can see in this article, Type 1s (Rebels) also tend to jump between different subjects and ideas. In our minds, it’s easy to move fluidly from one topic to another and make connections between them. Other types do this less, but for a Rebel, it’s completely natural.
Anyway, these are just my personal observations about the two tendencies I know best—Rebel and Questioner, based on my own experience. Please don’t take any of this as professional advice—especially not medical advice.
What is your main tendency?