articles
China Elevator Stories
Control, Control, and ... Even More Control
Some narcissists are rather unrelaxed human beings who … stress other people out all the time.
06/05/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Any malignant narcissist I know tries to destroy the ability of their victim to survive. They usually have a horrific double standard: while you aren’t allowed to talk about their abuse and bring the truth to light, they are allowed to abuse you, steal from you, destroy you, tell you how you need to live your life, and then emotionally blackmail you when you don’t want to live it in the superficial kind of way they have prescribed as your new way of living.
With the sociopathic stalker I have written about, in his mind, I’m not allowed to make any decisions in my life, and everything that is mine is his. It’s just the way he thinks. No amount of reasoning will make him realize that this is a completely thwarted way of seeing things that is not in alignment with how things truly are. He constantly projects onto me that I do not have a right to privacy, that I don’t need privacy, and that I am selfish if I enjoy my own company—being alone, spending time alone, and doing nothing with him. As an introvert, being left alone and not watched, for example, is crucial for survival.
A person cannot relax when another person is constantly stalking her, and she can’t relax when she is constantly forced to do things instead of just being allowed to be. When you aren’t allowed to be yourself at any time, this creates a scenario where the Bach Flower remedy Agrimony is applicable. Constantly needing to act as though you like another person, for example—as is common with this particular narcissist—or constantly needing to pretend you’re happy, even while you’re being bullied by this person, just masks the real emotions that are there. This person constantly bullies me into not feeling them (which is emotional abuse).
When that person also thinks everything you do is for him to participate in, watch, comment on, and negatively judge—and if you don’t do what he likes, he believes he has the right to intimidate you, threaten you, coerce you into doing things differently, and abuse you by proxy through authorities—we’re dealing with a completely deranged individual.
This is a person who needs to have control over everything. You’ll feel like you’re in a Chinese kindergarten when he enters your life: from planning every second of your day, starting some kind of program where you’re now forced to act like an extrovert, to becoming a narcissist who enjoys shopping (of course letting him choose what you buy—not you), and needing to follow a whole routine of other things that are neither fun, consented to, nor wanted—then being punished if you don’t actively do them with him.
It’s like he wants to force you to become happy by doing things with him, because of course, the reason for your unhappiness couldn’t possibly be that you’re being stalked or forced to spend time with someone who’s imposing himself on you with no regard for who you are or what you want and need. No—it must be that you don’t have enough purposeless activities to fill your day with.
He can’t quite grasp that happiness doesn’t come from constantly chasing external things, activities, or goals. It comes from within—when it’s quiet, when you’re allowed to be alone and with yourself, when the day isn’t planned out but time flows naturally, without interference. When you’re free to spend time with people you genuinely enjoy—not with those you don’t, and certainly not wasting time on anyone who is as disgusting as him. That’s pure bliss. And anyone who doesn’t understand that has no place in my life.
The program he plans is always bad. It only includes things he wants, is never considerate of you—your space, your privacy, your free time, or your rights—and it can leave you with an empty bank account, being raped at the end of the day, or having lost your flat, your furniture, your computer, or the ability to blog without someone disrupting your flow.
He thinks of himself as being great at managing things, but in reality, it’s mismanagement and gaslighting (and he isn’t great at dealing with life at all, but is rather disordered and creates chaos and disorder in other people’s lifes).
I have never encountered another person so obsessed with controlling everything—micromanaging not just their own life, but intrusively trying to control someone else’s, uninvited. This kind of behavior stems from deep insecurity, not external problems. And I don’t think the world needs yet another wannabe manager who ruins other people’s lifes by being an utterly deranged individual who thinks too highly of himself and imposes things, opinions, feelings and other external things onto others that they simply don’t want to feel, do, think, etc.
If you trust in the natural flow of life, accept that other people know who they are and what they need, and respect that a ‘no’ truly means ‘no,’ then there’s no issue. Let go of your need to control, and everything will be fine. Like I said: relax, sit down, get away from me, and focus your attention elsewhere. Don’t monitor what I am or am not doing—because not only is it none of your business, it is also my right to live my life in peace and quiet, without being coerced into participating in sick, codependent activities with you.
What you’re exhibiting is codependency taken to an extreme—pathological at this point—and you’re trying to pass it off as normal. It’s not. People are different from you, and if someone isn’t codependent, they simply aren’t. If someone doesn’t like being engulfed by you, that’s their right. If someone doesn’t like spending time with you, it’s their right to not be forced to spend time with you.
I was born free, and I will not allow you to ruin my life or imprison me just so you can feel a little thrill.
While he makes sure you’re disrupted during the day—dealing with the 1000 problems he has created in your life that you’re now having to tend to—he’s working in the background, for example, hacking into your blog to take it down (because you started to write the truth about him). Now, surely, you are also not allowed to work—no, you have to tend to his needs constantly. That means you aren’t allowed to tend to anybody else’s (such as your children’s or your own) or to the things that are actually important for an adult to manage: work, other responsibilities, your own health, and sleep. Peace? This person neither knows what that is nor does he want it. He won’t let you have it either. There is no “he is different from you”—no, you’re doing something, he’s invited in to steal it, ruin it, ruin the mood, change the emotions around it, change the “program” for the day (when, you know, things are rather in alignment and in flow without his interference), and “ruining it all the time” is really the understatement of the year.
I grew up with a dad who was rather relaxed, and when we did things, it was always of our own free will. We were asked if we wanted to go somewhere with him and spend time together, and if we didn’t, we weren’t punished for saying no. We were asked about what we wanted and not forced to do things against our nature and will. I didn’t even know people could be so controlling and have learned from him that we (women) are valuable human beings who have rights, who are allowed to be themselves—not somebody else—who are the ones in control of their decision-making, not men. I have learned what freedom means from him. I have also learned what love means from him.
Love means nothing more than accepting the other person for exactly who they are. If they are an introvert, if we love them, we’ll accept their introversion without trying to change it. If they want time alone, if we love them, we’ll respect their space. If they want to be quiet, if we love them, we’ll respect their need for quietude. There’s no judgment in this at all. It just is. If we love someone, we let them be who they are without needing to change them into somebody they wouldn’t even recognize.
This stalker is the polar opposite. He wants to stay in your vicinity, but something’s always wrong with you, in his mind. You’re then bullied for being an introvert and for needing space and quiet. You won’t get a second of time to yourself, and you won’t get a millimeter of space. Your own interests don’t count—they need to be eliminated—and he’ll keep you constantly busy by interfering with your time, your space, your interests, and otherwise sabotaging your life.
Blog about him? He’ll hack into your blog and create chaos by installing code that destroys it (as happened in the last case, where—I believe it was him, since he thinks my blog is his blog and me blogging is him blogging). He’s unaware of the simple fact that people just want to be left alone—to do things on their own, to own their own space—without someone constantly inviting himself in, uninvited.
He pretends he’s welcome everywhere and assumes people need to tolerate his unbearable behavior and relentless need to make everything about him—to be the center of attention, to become famous by faking that he’s in love with a blogger, who should then blog about the two of them being together. That way, he’d finally be acknowledged as cool and awesome, and he’d also become “famous.”
(Not that people actually become famous when I blog about them—my blog isn’t that big. But this is a celebrity stalker who’s paranoid and really desperate for fame. I guess I was the most famous woman he could find to harass, stalk, and pretend to be in love with. Lol. It’s kind of funny if you look at the numbers and how few readers I actually have—my blog posts used to get around 10,000 to 15,000 individual views before my ex-husband took the blog offline in 2017. Right now, I’m not sure about the numbers; they’re rather small, but I think they may have been hacked to appear lower—just like my YouTube numbers—so I can’t say for sure.)
He’s forcing me to say things about him that aren’t the truth—just so he can look better in the eyes of others, not because anything he insists I say about him is actually true.
Move to China? He’ll try to sabotage it first by going to the police, and then by letting you know he’ll make sure to force you to leave China (once you’re in China). He’ll then do everything to succeed. You won’t recognize your life as yours anymore—that’s how much he interferes and tries to sabotage and destroy it. You’ll be left in a constant war for survival and in a constant state of having to mend yet another catastrophe this person created in your life.
Relaxing, enjoying a quiet day at home, doing nothing? He’s going to ruin it by forcing you to be loud, to speak when you don’t want to, to participate in some self-imposed therapy with him where he’s the therapist (suggesting there’s something wrong with you for calling stalking stalking and harassment harassment—instead of calling it “love” and “dating”), forcing you to live in a skewed, schizophrenic reality. No need for therapy? Well, you’re lying! He’s the great therapist, and you’re the identified patient. You’ll have therapy imposed on you against your will, because you’re just imagining that you’re introverted and that introverts need peace and quiet. You’re just imagining you aren’t the one with all the problems—but that he is. (Oh, and it will be like a play: you have to play that you’re the identified patient and go to therapy to see a toddler therapist in a grown-up body, someone who’s more like a one-year-old who has learned that women go into therapy and men are therapists, so now he’s playing therapist and you’re being forced to go to therapy, whether you want to or not).
By putting you into his self-imposed therapy (which, by the way, means talking all the time, being forced to talk to him and state your feelings with him all the time, only to then be shamed for having feelings different from his), he can keep on playing the role of some kind of life coach who has a lot of relationship experience and who isn’t lacking in anything, whether it be IQ, EQ, or all the other things he constantly claims he has that… for sure, he doesn’t have.
He’ll claim that you not talking to him is unhealthy—just to keep you from being allowed to go no contact with a stalker. He’ll tell you that you’re giving him the silent treatment, that you’re a narcissist because of it, and that you have no right to do this to him (because it’s supposedly unhealthy and “you’re shutting people out”). You know, saying that after talking at you for 17 hours a day, not letting you speak, verbally abusing you, harassing you, calling you a whore and all kinds of other names—then turning around and telling you you’re wrong for going no contact. That’s also why we have to call harassment ‘love,’ why we have to pretend introversion doesn’t exist or is somehow unhealthy—because if we don’t, as narcissists, that would mean admitting there’s something wrong with our behavior, not hers. If we constantly look outside and try to prove there’s something wrong with the other person, it means we’re not looking at where the actual problem is—which is inside.
The problem is inside you, not inside her. Look inward, not outward. Deal with your own issues. Don’t create problems in someone else’s life that are simply too much for them to handle. She’s HSP. She’s an empath. She’s introverted. That’s biology—something that cannot be changed. You want her to become codependent? She can’t! She’ll die while you try to make her one, because she needs space and to be left alone by others.
Because being constantly engulfed by someone is so much fun—especially when they do it all the time!
Nobody is doing anything evil to another person by simply being alone and tending to their own needs. NO ONE IS SELFISH FOR SPENDING TIME ALONE, BEING QUIET, AND WANTING NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. No one. Not her, not someone else, not anyone. No one is obligated to spend time with others when it’s not healthy for them. The only thing that matters is health—not what you consider to be a need that someone else must now fulfill.
That’s completely flawed thinking. And if you believe the other person can’t tell who’s a narcissist and who isn’t, you’re misguided. If you can only perceive her as dumb—perhaps because she’s a woman and you believe ‘women are dumb’—then that’s exactly how you’ll treat her: as though she’s unintelligent. But she’s not. The problem lies in your belief about her, not in her actual abilities. She lives her life independently and intelligently, in a way that works for her. If you can’t even recognize that, you’ll keep saying things that make no sense—things that aren’t aligned with reality—and that only reveal you aren’t as intelligent as you think you are.
If you call intelligent people intelligent, you’re already showing you’re perceptive. If you call dumb people dumb, you may be observant enough to tell the difference. But if you call intelligent people dumb and dumb people intelligent, you’re just proving you aren’t perceptive—because you can’t even recognize truth when it’s handed to you on a silver platter.
It’s like calling a duck a horse, a house a car, a window a curtain, and Mars something else entirely—and then thinking you’re extremely intelligent for having misidentified everything. You reveal a lack of intelligence when you can’t assign the correct meanings to the right people or connect the right words to their proper meanings. And you know what? People can tell whether you’re intelligent or not simply by observing how you act and speak.
You want to make her enjoy you? Your vibe, your energy, your company? Well, she can’t! Ha. That’s neither an enjoyable vibe nor an enjoyable energy. A person who spreads negativity all day long, is overly controlling and judgemental is simply not an enjoyable person to be around. One who doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries also isn’t. That thinking would be rather… dumb. Change the other person into liking you so you don’t have to change your horrific behavior. If only she could change, you wouldn’t have to. If only she would put her boundary down, everything would be great. She’d be “healthy” because she’d put down her “walls” and finally let you in. You—the kind, loving person she has always wanted to be with (it’s not like you’re some kind of schizophrenic, dangerous person who isn’t trustworthy at all, isn’t it?).
Talking to a stalker all the time and then having “intimate” conversations about sex and relationships and talking about how we love each other so much. Well, I don’t live in la-la-land and I am not having to repeat that I don’t want to have contact with a crazy stalker who can’t even perceive of another person’s boundaries and that what they are asking of the other person isn’t just completely crazy, but also unhealthy, disrespectful and utterly degrading of the other person. It shows you have a lack of awareness, you’re lacking a mirror, you can’t see yourself clearly, you can’t see the other person clearly and that you’re simply dumb. I wouldn’t even have to have these conversations if it wasn’t for the simple fact that you’re completely dumb. Dumb such as in unintelligent, having low intelligence, being stupid, thinking incorrectly, …
It’s also not like … you know, I just talked to my ex-husband a few days ago and after I did, you started with your weird, insane behavior, as though you’re allowed to be in my phone and computer to read all my messages and control all my relationships and life and as though I now have a wish to talk to you because I talked to my ex-husband a few days ago.
The truth is, there’s nothing to talk about. When dealing with someone as abusive as you, engaging in conversation only gives you another opportunity to verbally and emotionally abuse me—and I don’t have to allow that. It’s that simple. With a respectful, reasonable person, we might be able to sit down and have a conversation about things like boundaries and privacy. But with you—a stalker who continuously harasses me—there’s nothing to discuss.
Silence is my right. It’s my birthright as a woman, as an introvert. Not talking is not avoidance; it’s biologically inborn. Not talking helps my body heal. Enjoying quiet time and having space (not being engulfed by a crazy, sick person) is my birthright. People need breaks, they need space, they need time for themselves. It just is.
There’s no need for any more circular argument where you’re completely turning everything around—claiming the victim is the perpetrator, the normal person is the narcissist, and that a man acting like a woman is normal behavior. No, it isn’t.
A ‘no’ is a ‘no’ is a ‘no’ is a ‘no’. It’s as simple as that. In this situation, silence is the solution. Leaving me alone is the solution. Respecting boundaries and not stalking is what’s required here—not continuing your obsessive behavior and running to the police to then whine about how you’re the victim of me, when in reality, the solution is so, so simple: I am the victim of you, the narcissist who stalked me—and when I tried to report you to the police, you ran to them so I couldn’t get free from a stalker.
It’s like living in a flat without walls—that wouldn’t be very healthy for those of us who enjoy quiet, not having it rain in our home, and not having other people watch us while we’re at home.
Oh, and by the way: Nobody is obligated to give you anything. Nobody owes you anything. Nobody has to give up their rights just because you claim that the “right of the stronger” now overrides normal human rights. Go find someone else to fulfill your sick needs—I have no obligation to do so, and I certainly don’t have to sit here and tolerate extremely abusive behavior.
Have you ever been drawn into a battle you didn’t want to fight with a narcissist?