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China Elevator Stories

When Will I Decline Communication?

There are certain situations where declining communication is completely legitimate.

26/06/2025

Ruth Silbermayr
Ruth Silbermayr

Author

Where does voicing our opinion stop? To some people, particularly extroverted narcissists who think that whenever they speak, what comes out of their mouth is of the utmost importance and beautiful for everyone to hear, there is no more beautiful activity than hearing themselves speak all day long. All day long. All day long. Every second of every day, their mouth is open and they speak. There is no break to breathe, no chance to let others think quietly while they keep their mouth shut, no opportunity for you to go to your room and have quiet time. No—you’ll have to listen to their every word, and if you don’t, you may even be attacked, violently. A person may start to throttle you, or throw you to the ground, or slam your head against a wall, just because you said, “No, I do not want to listen to you, now or ever.” Yes, been there, experienced that. That’s exactly how malignant narcissists react to healthy boundaries.

I mean, if you aren’t affected, it’s certainly a little funny, isn’t it? But if you are—and you’re dealing with an aggressive ape who is too underdeveloped in the brain to stop their violent actions before they occur, to respect a boundary before things escalate, to shut their mouth before others are provoked to the point where all they can do is scream and shout like a lunatic themselves—then you know it’s serious. And yes, this is what may happen if you’re being repeatedly threatened with death. When someone threatens you with death and actually takes steps to put your life in danger, the threat is very real.

I still remember when I shared a flat with a woman who was from Turkey but grew up in Vienna. She moved to Vienna with her family when she was two years old. One day, she told me I could use her water cooker anytime. A few days later, I found her shouting at me that I had used her water cooker without asking her first, accusing me of stealing her documents when I didn’t, and throttling me—trying to kill me while I was lying on the floor. I managed to get out from underneath her after she had thrown me down and to run away from her to safety. Her attack came out of nowhere, and I didn’t realize how dangerous she was. Now, while dangerous women exist, I have experienced more dangerous men.

Men these days, particularly those of my generation, are often aggressive, violent, and bipolar. They may have learned proper social behavior, but they certainly don’t show it. I have also noticed that some German men, in particular, can be extremely selfish. It seems like they were never taught to share, to help others, to be social or to form friendships. Instead, it’s everyone for themselves. It’s men against women. Arrogance and selfishness seem to be the traits some believe will attract women—not kindness, helpfulness, generosity, or being a truly good person. Those are the values I was taught, and I believed that was the norm.

I really don’t know how an entire generation could grow up to be so arrogant and selfish, but they have. I was born in 1987, the Year of the Rabbit according to the Chinese zodiac. By nature, I’m a kind, quiet, and generous person. But I’m only generous with people who respect that generosity and don’t exploit it. In recent years, I’ve set boundaries with people who were too used to me doing it all—helping all the time, doing the work no one else wanted to do. That’s not how it should be. Everyone should contribute so that a group or society can function peacefully. One person doing everything while others do nothing is not sustainable for that person.

And when you’re burnt out and need to take care of yourself, you’ll quickly see who your friends are and who your enemies are. The people who took your help for granted will disappear faster than you can flip a light switch.

If you’ve helped others for four years, for example, and now you’re asking for support, that’s a legitimate request. But it depends on what you’re asking and whether it’s reasonable to expect their help.

No society can function well when everyone is too selfish and arrogant to help anyone else, when everyone is out for themselves, driven by greed and envy over what their neighbor has. This is how I’ve experienced Austrian society. And let me tell you—some Germans I’ve encountered are even more arrogant and selfish. If that’s not your experience, feel free to share it in the comments. But I’ve seen people unable to survive because of the selfish desires of others—desires they don’t work for themselves to fulfill, but expect someone else, a stranger, to provide. And when that stranger refuses, they’re harassed endlessly as if they somehow owe that person anything.

So, all in all, my observation is that while Austrian society can be selfish and scapegoats innocent people more than ever—as if we were back in the Middle Ages burning people at the stake—some societies are even worse. The aggression and violence I’ve experienced in Europe are at an all-time high, and nothing seems to stop these violent men.

In my experience, Austrians grow up to be relatively social. They enjoy being with others—not all the time, but they like get-togethers, conversations, sharing experiences. Many learn basic social rules, though of course some don’t. But compared to Germans, in my experience, the rate of social competence seems higher. Some narcissists and toxic individuals at least try to behave nicely in public, even if they don’t treat you well in private.

Now, I generally agree that everyone is entitled to their opinion. But not everyone is entitled to constantly voice it to others. Sometimes an opinion is just disrespectful, rude, or a flat-out lie—and I don’t let just anyone talk to me like that. Some people constantly nag, tear others down, and want to voice their opinion about how this person or that person is a narcissist. And when they themselves are narcissists, I usually tell them to focus on their own behavior instead, which is usually horrific.

If you need to get away from a real narcissist, that’s different. I also share my stories about narcissists—not because I want to dwell on them all day long (nothing is more boring than obsessing over narcissists instead of living a meaningful life), but because some of them started smear campaigns against me or threatened to kill me. If someone threatens your life, that’s serious.

To those people, I say: Do what you need to do. If there are no consequences, so be it. But if I die at your hands, you killed me. That’s the truth. Because you were too selfish, too arrogant, too unwilling to take responsibility for your aggression and violence—not because of anything I did.

If you want to kill me to save face or preserve your image, go ahead. But that doesn’t make it fair, just, or necessary. If someone is killed just because they rejected you, the problem lies with you.

I’m not here to lie to abusers so they can preserve their fantasy of themselves. If you’re abusive, you’re not flawless, and I won’t enable your behavior by pretending otherwise.

If you’re confused: yes, bringing the truth to light about narcissists is sometimes necessary. But it’s not fun if you’re like me and would rather sit peacefully at home drinking coffee, thinking your own thoughts. That’s the last thing a narcissist wants you to do.

But talking constantly about how others are bad, evil narcissists when you yourself are the one doing harm? That’s gaslighting. I don’t accept that in my life. Sharing the truth about your experiences is one thing. Gossiping behind someone’s back and smearing them because you’re the perpetrator is another.

A malignant narcissist doesn’t get to share their opinion with me if:

  1. They don’t respect my privacy.
  2. They don’t respect basic social rules.
  3. They don’t communicate in a healthy way that includes respecting boundaries, answering legitimate questions, and showing who they are through vulnerability.
  4. They ignore social cues most people can read.
  5. There was no consent to communicate.
  6. They see me through an incorrect lens—where I’m guilty though I’m innocent, or flawed because of what happened to me.
  7. They treat me with hostility, not recognizing the kind, good person I am.
  8. They look down on me.
  9. They treat me as though I’m less intelligent than I am.
  10. They communicate only to paint me as the problem.
  11. They talk constantly and don’t let others speak.
  12. They don’t accept a “no” in communication or otherwise.
  13. They degrade women.
  14. They don’t discuss real issues, but made-up ideas that exist only in their minds.
  15. They gaslight.
  16. They deny obvious truths anyone with basic intelligence can see.
  17. They don’t respect the opposite gender—for example, men who don’t respect women. (Any incel is not allowed to communicate with me, based on my experience with incels who treat women like Nazis treated Jews—seeing them as evil, blaming them for things they didn’t do, and justifying violent behavior with false narratives about a group of people which is not the truth.)
  18. They try to control others through communication.
  19. They boss others around instead of speaking respectfully.
  20. They are emotionally abusive, don’t respect my request to be addressed directly, and drag others into conversations or throw insults when I say “no” or ask to be left alone.
  21. They blindly take on other people’s opinions without thinking for themselves.
  22. They repeat opinions that are discriminatory.
  23. They pathologically lie and never say the truth.
  24. They don’t talk in a respectful tone of voice.
  25. They are drawing me into some kind of sick-person’s-therapy, where I am portrayed as a severly sick person who is in need of therapy, and they, the person who is actually mentally ill, gets to play the therapist, effectively forcing you into the role of the “identified patient.”
  26. They are re-establishing contact between me and a stalker instead of respecting that I went ‘no contact’ with someone who relentlessly harassed me, raped me, and put my life in danger in multiple ways.
  27. They bring up private topics that are none of their business, or try to talk to me about things like my sexuality—what sexual preferences I should have—or even say disturbing things like that I should take off my clothes and lie down naked on my bed just because that’s what they want.

Verbal abuse isn’t allowed. Constant verbal abuse gets stored in the body—especially if you’re an empath. It becomes energy in motion, and someone else’s toxic energy ends up stuck in you.

If you’re spreading hateful, ignorant beliefs about others, if you don’t take responsibility for your life and your actions, if you speak only to manipulate others—you won’t be allowed to speak to me. I know people who communicate in healthy, respectful ways and who understand what boundaries mean.

That includes not forcing someone to talk about things with untrustworthy people, not forcing others to listen to verbal abuse, not shouting, controlling, or humiliating others to the point they feel so ashamed they can’t even talk about it.

People who don’t respect “no”—who don’t understand basic German sentences such as “please leave me alone,” or pretend not to, even though German is their mother tongue and they should’ve learned the language from family, kindergarten, or school—those people are also not allowed.

It is not my job to teach adult men how to behave socially simply because they haven’t learned that and think they’re above those of us who have.

Have you ever had to deal with extremely rude people?

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