articles
China Elevator Stories
You Say One Thing, He Hears Another: basic Understanding
Every message we send carries a meaning—misunderstanding occurs when that meaning is misinterpreted.
07/04/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
With one particular stalker I have had—the sociopath I have been writing about on my blog—communication has been the main issue preventing problems from being resolved.
Usually, when someone communicates, their words carry a particular meaning. That meaning may sometimes be misinterpreted. However, if a woman has declined a man’s advances multiple times using very direct language, we would generally assume there is little room for misunderstanding.
In this case, the way he communicates is not only indirect, but also reveals that he constantly misreads the signals others are sending. It’s not just the occasional misinterpretation, but something that happens so frequently it becomes impossible not to notice. He claims to be exceptionally good at communication, but the opposite is true. I have never met anyone who was so poor at interpreting verbal and nonverbal cues.
Most of us understand that body language is important, but this person behaves as if it doesn’t exist or has no meaning. The same goes for spoken German. Even though it’s his mother tongue, you’ll quickly notice that he doesn’t seem to understand even simple sentences. More often than not, what you say will be misinterpreted—sometimes to mean the exact opposite.
Part of this might be due to gaslighting, but I believe he genuinely struggles to understand proper German and only pretends to comprehend what you’re saying. It’s as if there’s an overlay—a separate layer of meaning—that only he perceives, even though it doesn’t exist. He constantly insists that you meant something you never said, claiming he can detect this hidden layer of communication—a layer that isn’t real, but one he acts as if he can access.
For example, when you said ‘no’—clearly and with firm boundaries—he acts as though you actually meant ‘yes.’ In his words, you didn’t really mean ‘no’; instead, there’s supposedly this other layer, visible only to him, where you were actually saying ‘yes’ but lacked the courage to say it outright. It’s a projection. Not every woman is so timid that she can’t say ‘no’ and mean it—but that’s the narrative he imposes on you, insisting you said, meant, or implied something you clearly did not.
Every word you say becomes material for him to analyze and reinterpret. He’ll often claim that your words meant something entirely different—frequently the opposite of what you actually intended. He might put words in your mouth, assign motives you never had, or use similar tactics to distort the meaning of your communication.
Your words will constantly be twisted into something else. You can say something as clear as ‘I’m not interested,’ and he’ll hear, ‘I’m so interested in you, I want to spend every day with you.’ I can’t count how many times I’ve explained to him that ‘no’ always means ‘no’—never ‘yes’—especially when a woman insists she said ‘no’ and meant it. He often refers to so-called authorities (who are not legitimate experts), typically men promoting incel ideology, who teach others to disregard a woman’s refusals, violate her boundaries, act domineering, diminish her worth, question her intelligence, and verbally abuse her.
Most of us have heard the sentence, “You cannot not communicate” (Watzlawick). I first learned the meaning of that sentence in high school. In this man’s case, he consistently misinterprets what is being communicated, verbally and through body language. This points to a lack of understanding of social behavior that most people grasp intuitively.
I understand that in some cultures, saying “no” directly may not be acceptable, as it could cause the other person to lose face. In such cases, a less direct way of expressing “no” is often used—one that won’t embarrass or offend the other person. A “no” might be communicated indirectly, in a way that’s not obvious to the other person and is culturally acceptable. For example, if a boss offers you a certain food, you may not be able to say “no” directly, but you could say you’re allergic to it or offer some other excuse. Sometimes you may actually be allergic, but other times, you might need to tell a white lie that works without causing the other person to lose face, all while avoiding a direct “no.” According to Edward T. Hall, a culture where saying “no” directly is not possible in such situations is called a High Context Culture, where the meaning of words must be understood in the specific context. China, for instance, is considered a High Context Culture. On the other hand, Austria (as well as Germany) would be considered a Low Context Culture, where “no” means “no” and “yes” means “yes.” Therefore, in Germany or Austria, if you say “no,” it should be understood as a straightforward “no,” and a “yes” should be taken as a clear agreement—provided that you’re in a context where you’re able to voice your opinion openly, without having to fear negative repercussions.
I recently talked to another teacher here, a Chinese colleague a little younger than me. We spoke about our plans for the day, and she said she needed to prepare classes after getting home, which would take her about four hours.
A normal person would grasp the implied message: she needs her time and space to do her work, and we should respect that and not interrupt. That’s what I did. She stated a simple fact, and I took it as such.
If we refer to communication models, we can see how this sentence was neutral and simply a statement of fact.
Schulz von Thun’s Four Ears Model is particularly helpful in explaining common misunderstandings. It shows how a message can be perceived through different “ears”: the factual side, self-revelation, relationship, and appeal.
Miscommunication often happens when the listener receives the message on a different level than it was sent. If someone sends a message through the factual channel, and it is received on the relationship or appeal channel, problems arise.
While a typical person may occasionally misinterpret intent, a sociopath might do so consistently, being unable to read between the lines or pick up body language. When someone signals “leave me alone,” he won’t, because he doesn’t see that signal. Or if someone says, “I need to work,” others would naturally give them space, but he won’t.
If verbal clarification is needed, we may say something like, “I need to prepare classes this afternoon, please don’t disturb me,” or, “I need to work, please leave me alone.” These statements clearly express the appeal, leaving little room for misinterpretation, assuming the listener understands basic social behavior and the meaning of words.
If the message is still ignored, it shows a lack of awareness about privacy and normal social conduct. Preparing lessons alone is common and necessary. A simple factual statement like “I need to work this afternoon” implies an appeal: “Please let me do my work and don’t interrupt.” Most people understand that intuitively. But if the appeal is missed, we may need to make it explicit.
Some people naturally “hear” messages through a certain “ear.“ In German, we use the metaphor of different “ears” for how we perceive messages. A person may receive every message as an appeal, even when it wasn’t intended as one. I’ve found this to be the case with this particular stalker. He often reverses or distorts the meaning of messages, pointing to a pattern of incorrect reception. A woman says “no,” and he interprets it as “she doesn’t know what she wants,” or “she’s just playing hard to get.” He projects his own needs onto others, regardless of how clearly they express disinterest or the desire to be left alone.
Even silence isn’t respected. If you’re simply sitting quietly, he may feel compelled to force interaction (getting you from a passive, inactive state into an active state, which may be hazardous for your health if constantly forced), thinking inaction is unnatural. For introverts, inaction can be necessary and healthy. But to him, red looks yellow and blue looks green. A message sent as “red” is received as a message that is “yellow.”
Perceiving appeals can be useful in certain situations. For instance, if someone is hurt and needs help, another person may pick up on the appeal through body language and act accordingly. But when someone constantly interprets messages as appeals and always reacts—often in the wrong way—this creates chaos.
My ex-husband, for example, often picked up on appeals in conversation and responded thoughtfully, which made communication smoother. If I said I was hungry, he might offer to get food, interpreting the implied need—back when our relationship was still functioning more harmoniously. But someone else might take it only as a factual statement, missing the appeal.
However, misinterpreting every message as an appeal, especially when no appeal was sent, leads to unbearable situations. A person who constantly projects meaning into everything you say may misread your body language, disregard your boundaries, and act based on their own needs or assumptions. This is especially problematic with stalkers or narcissists who operate on entirely different levels of communication.
If a person says, “I need to work,” we typically understand this is not about us in cases where it isn’t. It’s a factual statement. But someone who is overly sensitive to the relationship level might interpret this as rejection, even if it wasn’t meant that way.
Miscommunication often occurs when the level at which something is communicated is confused with another level. A factual statement may be misinterpreted as a relational one. For example, if you say you need time to get work done and the other person hears, “I don’t want to spend time with you,” that’s a relational misinterpretation—assuming what you said wasn’t meant that way. In healthy relationships, such misunderstandings can usually be resolved through conversation. However, with narcissists or stalkers, over-communicating isn’t productive because they often operate on completely different levels than normal communication allows.
Have you ever experienced communication problems because your message was received on the wrong level?