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China Elevator Stories
When Someone Takes Up Too Much Space
When a person takes up so much space that others can’t, they’re not being considerate of other people.
01/06/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
What does it mean when someone takes up too much space? This often happens when a person is extremely narcissistic and completely unaware of themselves. Their behavior tends to overwhelm others, not because they are confident or expressive, but because they disregard boundaries and see only their own needs.
A self-aware person may recognize when their behavior is harmful to others, or when they’re overstepping someone else’s rights. A person who is extremely self-unconscious, however, only sees how things affect them. They rarely—if ever—notice how their actions impact others. Their rudeness, entitlement, or even aggression is often unexamined and unchecked.
People like this are easy to recognize. When they enter a room, they behave as though everything belongs to them. They don’t ask—they just take. For example, if they’re visiting someone else’s flat, they might open the fridge and help themselves, assuming everything inside is for them. They might sit on your sofa for what was meant to be a short visit, then stay for two days without you inviting them to do so, and act like they now live there—just because you once let them in.
They are not plagued by the “disease to please.” They don’t ask whether others are okay with their behavior. Their mindset is: I’m here. Everyone should tend to my needs. Everything in this space is for me.
Living with someone like this makes it nearly impossible to meet your own needs. In a flat shared with three people, for instance, this person might dominate the shared spaces as though they were their private property. They may redecorate the entire living room or kitchen without asking anyone. They’ll tear down your decorations and replace them with their own, without considering how it affects others. Their preferences are the only ones that matter. You may find yourself living in their flat, even though it was supposed to be shared.
They might bully you until you move out if they decide they don’t like you. This isn’t legitimate cohabitation—it’s the illegitimate taking of space that doesn’t belong solely to them.
And it doesn’t end with shared spaces. An extremely self-centered narcissist may also claim your personal space as theirs. They might enter your room while you’re gone, rearrange your belongings, or act as though your property is theirs to use. If you call out this behavior, they might retaliate and make everyday life feel like a battlefield.
If you come from a family where boundaries were respected, it can be shocking to meet people like this. In my family, we learned to ask before taking, and to respect privacy and personal limits. But the selfish people I’ve met expect their needs to be met by others—without even asking. And when they do ask, they ignore a “no” as if it never happened. One person gaslit me again and again when I said no. I would say, “No,” and they would act like I hadn’t spoken at all. It’s as if my boundaries weren’t valid because, in their eyes, I wasn’t a person with the right to say no—especially if I was a woman and they were someone who believed women shouldn’t have that right.
This is where we need to distinguish clearly: Taking up space that is rightfully yours is not selfish.
Being selfish means ignoring others when you should be considering them. It does not mean you’re not allowed to set boundaries, claim privacy, or take care of your own well-being. It is not selfish to withdraw from conversations that drain you, to rest in your room, or to have a relationship with a person who is rude, violent, verbally abuses you or steals from you. You’re not obligated to tend to every need, especially when doing so would erase your own.
Narcissists often call others “selfish” when those others start setting limits (usually, the people narcissists call selfish aren’t selfish at all). If you go no contact with someone who disrespects your space or stalks you, they may label you the problem. But that’s projection. It’s not selfish to protect yourself from someone who refuses to respect your needs or your personhood.
It always comes down to valid versus invalid needs. If someone expects you to constantly listen to them—even after you’ve said you’re not interested—they’re ignoring your boundaries. They aren’t respecting your personal space (our bodies are also “our space”). And when you finally say no, they may call you selfish for not continuing to give them your attention. But not giving in to someone who repeatedly disrespects you is not selfish—it’s self-respecting.
A person who chooses to sit quietly in her room in a shared flat is not being selfish. Expecting her to constantly chat or be emotionally available to everyone else is unreasonable. You’re not selfish for needing space, or for taking up the space that’s rightfully yours.
Have you ever met a person who took up too much space?