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Bossing: When Control Is Imposed Without Consent
Bossing is a form of bullying in the context of a power dynamic where one person has or imposes power over another.
20/05/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Bossing, simply put, is a combination of someone playing the boss and bullying others. In recent years, I’ve encountered this behavior—particularly with some individuals (notably some Germans I’ve met)—where bossing has been completely out of control.
Often, the person is pushed out of her area of control by the bosser. The aim may be to push her out of her work, to deny her all her rights, or to avoid allowing her space and work to be respected—without being replaced by the bosser.
It’s often discussed in the context of a boss “bossing” employees around. In that case, the boss has formal authority, and as an employee, you may feel pressured to comply if you don’t want to lose your job.
However, I’ve also experienced bossing in personal relationships—especially when men place themselves in positions of power over women, regardless of whether they were invited to do so. Usually, these men are not true authorities and are far from flawless—though they project an image of perfection. If you criticize them, they’ll often respond with verbal abuse, shaming, and bullying, sometimes to the point where it affects your mental health. They may gaslight you, deny your reality, and use manipulative tactics designed to make you feel small and to convince others that you’re not a legitimate authority in your own right.
These men often engage in power struggles with women simply because they can’t tolerate women being intelligent or autonomous. They suppress any real authority outside of themselves (or any authority that is not a man)—driven by low self-esteem that manifests as a need to control others’ lives, decisions, and even careers, and a need to dominate women and keep them in an inferior, smaller position.
This kind of behavior speaks for itself. A man who acts this way is not strong—he’s weak. He’s not masculine—he’s insecure and locked in unnecessary competition.
When you mirror their behavior or call it out, they’ll often deny, lie, and escalate the bullying, simply because you told the truth. Bossing can be a common form of bullying narcissists use to dominate victims.
A good manager knows where his right to manage and control others begins, and where it ends. He manages only what needs to be managed, and only those who are within his scope of responsibility. Someone who tries to manage everyone and everything, even strangers, including how others view him, themselves or live their lives—that person is overstepping in a major way.
The Rise of Control Culture
My generation is the generation of the internet. In contrast to my parents’ generation—where many lived their lives without over-managing or obsessing over self-help books—many people today are overdoing it. I’ve observed men (often narcissists) who associate being a “manager” with being cool, great, or of higher status or intelligence than others, which is quite laughable. It reminded me of playing Playmobil with my brothers and sisters when we were kids—not of people acting like grown-ups or being mature adults.
Someone who is “playing the manager” may do so in a toddler-like way: throwing tantrums, denying reality, and acting immaturely in many other ways. He may not even be able to communicate like an adult or use proper language. These people adopt every new strategy for controlling, manipulating, or overanalyzing life to the point where another person can no longer live uninterrupted. Their need to control often stems from deep insecurity and a desire to appear flawless—while hiding their own flaws and trying to seem superior to others.
I understand wanting a clean, organized home—but when every moment of life must be managed like a company, something essential is lost. Free time and personal space shouldn’t be micromanaged. Time needs to flow naturally. When people try to force outcomes or impose artificial deadlines that ignore the reality of how long things actually take, it’s like putting up a dam: the natural flow stops, and so does life. Someone who once thrived independently can find themselves blocked, stifled, and undermined—all in the name of “better management” (which might actually be anti-management, mismanagement, or all kinds of strange strategies used to appear flawless or superior—while in reality, revealing just how unintelligent or unbalanced the person trying to manage is). The person who bosses may be extremely inapt at living life—imagine a grown-up throwing tantrums, with out-of-control emotions they constantly push onto others, and other deranged, obsessive, and unhealthy ways of living life.
Control vs. Humanity
In today’s world, many consume endless information about productivity, control, and management. The result? A rise in wannabe managers and controllers, and a decline in the simple ability to enjoy life. When you’re constantly controlled, or controlling others, you lose the ability to live—to appreciate the present, to flow with time.
I recently watched an interview between two men. The interviewer looked tired and unpolished—human. Maybe he had kids to care for and didn’t get a good night’s sleep, or had other issues to deal with. He wore an old T-shirt and didn’t try to impress. His hair was unkempt and looked like he hadn’t washed it in two days. The guest, on the other hand, was perfectly styled and dressed flawlessly—but didn’t seem as human. I found the first man, with all his visible flaws, far more likable. Why should we pretend to be flawless robots when we’re human, after all?
Bossing often stems from a need to appear flawless. People who boss others around assume that everything they do is correct and that their way must be imposed on everyone else—even when it’s dysfunctional or misguided. In their eyes, the other person does everything wrong—even though, in reality, that person may actually be doing an amazing job (without their management).
Such a person may also demand that you appear flawless—that you’re not allowed to show human emotions, dress in a way that’s comfortable for you, or choose not to impress others with the newest fashion, cosmetics, etc. This usually leads to a pattern called “numbing.” The person who is asked to wear a mask and act like a robot won’t be allowed to feel her real feelings; instead, she will be asked to mask them, to appear flawless, to avoid crying because it might make someone else look bad—or else be bullied for showing human traits and flaws. All of these are typically not tolerated when the other person is an extreme narcissist.
“Numbing” means we’ve already become emotionally numb—not able to feel our emotions, not able to cry when we need to—because we were bullied whenever we started to cry. We were shouted at for “looking ugly” just for having tears in our eyes, an entirely normal human experience that should never be feared. Not being able to cry can lead to all kinds of health issues over time. When sadness is stored in the heart and emotions can’t be released, it may ultimately (in my own observation and experience) weaken the heart itself.
We also won’t be able to laugh or see life in a lighthearted way; we simply feel emotionally numb, no matter what happens to us. When many conscienceless and cruel people have crossed our path, numbing may result from being disappointed so often—especially after witnessing repeated cruelty toward innocent people. I think it is a psychological protection mechanism to become numb to repeated cruelty, but usually, we need to take time to process what happened to us, or our body’s health will suffer. Over time, such experiences can cause us to shut down emotionally to the point where we won’t be able to feel anything.
The Damage Bossing Does
Extreme bossing can throw someone completely off track. I’ve had experiences with men trying to manage every part of my life—even when everything was working just fine before they arrived. After they inserted themselves, things began to fall apart, not because I was incapable, but because they were interfering and imposing unnecessary control. Artificial hierarchies were created where none were needed, and everything became overanalyzed, criticized, or “fixed,” even if it didn’t need fixing.
Bossing comes in many forms. If someone:
- Orders you around without legitimate authority,
- talks down to you as though they are superior,
- triangulates by citing “better,” “more famous,” or “more perfect” people to diminish your worth,
- sabotages your work or autonomy under the guise of helping or improving things,
- wants power over you in one way or another to then tell you how to live your life, not allowing you to live it in your own kind of way,
- or starts doing the things you were supposed to do uninvited, stealing your work from you,
- does everything with you, instead of allowing you to do it yourself, claiming they are merely helping you “because you are incapable of doing it yourself”, …
you are likely dealing with bossing.
That said, there’s a distinction to be made: sometimes intervention is necessary—for example, when someone is acting in ways that are genuinely harmful or socially unacceptable. But true bossing is when someone imposes control for control’s sake, when your life worked fine before they entered it, and things only started breaking down once they interfered.
When someone’s presence correlates with a decline in your well-being or productivity, you can usually identify the culprit. Bossing often reflects a person who isn’t managing their own life in a healthy manner, and instead misdirects their need for control toward managing yours.
Power and Responsibility
Power should never be abused. It should not be handed to those who lack the self-awareness or responsibility to use it wisely. Bossing is often just power-grabbing—taking control that doesn’t belong to them, then blaming the person they’re dominating for resisting it.
If you’re being treated like a child—told you can’t handle your life, your decisions, or your work without interference—you are also dealing with bossing.
According to Pult.com, bossing in a work context usually points to the insecurities of the manager (or bosser), namely:
Individual causes
The individual causes of targeted bullying by managers often lie deep within the personality or in the insecurities of the superiors. These personal weaknesses can be exacerbated by external factors such as stress or pressure to perform.
Insecurity of the manager: superiors who feel insecure in their role often perceive highly qualified or self-confident employees as a threat. Instead of promoting these talents, they try to keep the employees concerned down by systematically criticising and excluding them in order to secure their own position.
Abuse of power: Managers with a pronounced need for control tend to abuse their position of power. They deliberately harass employees to demonstrate their authority or to force obedience. This behaviour can result from a lack of awareness of leadership responsibility or, again, from personal insecurity.These reasons make it clear that bossing is often triggered by personal weaknesses or misconduct on the part of superiors.
Have you ever experienced bossing?