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China Elevator Stories
What is Emotional Immaturity?
Learn how to spot the signs of emotional immaturity in an adult.
18/02/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Feeling emotions is completely normal, and all emotions should be acknowledged and processed. We process emotions by fully experiencing them. When we feel sad, it is healthy to cry. When we feel anger—especially after repeated provocation—we may need to express it in a healthy way, such as by screaming in private when no one else is home.
In my opinion, our emotions should not always be expressed to others. Constantly expressing emotions is not healthy adult behavior because, as adults, we take responsibility for our own feelings rather than placing that burden on someone else. If we fail to do so, we may emotionally burden or even abuse others. Typically, when we express our emotions, the other person may hear that they are somehow responsible for them, that they need to fix them, or that they caused these emotions within us. Non-violent communication can sometimes be used to guilt-trip others, and to be honest, I have not often seen it used in a healthy way.
If you have ever been abused by a narcissist, you may feel anger due to repeated boundary violations or because their anger has been projected onto you. Hatred is also an emotion, and it seems to be more prevalent these days. If you feel hatred, it is important to release it in a safe way so it does not stay trapped in your body—this could also mean screaming in private.
If an abuser constantly mistreats you and refuses to leave you alone, expressing your anger by standing up for yourself—even by raising your voice—may be justified. These are all ways to deal with emotions in a healthy and mature manner.
Most narcissists are emotionally immature people who don’t deal with their emotions correctly. Some are histrionic and will constantly put their extremely exaggerated and hysterical emotions onto you.
Empaths, on the other hand, tend to absorb the emotions of those around them. If you are an empath, you may even feel the emotions of others in your body, such as experiencing someone’s anger or hatred as tension in your liver or heart. If you’re frequently exposed to another person’s extreme emotions, it’s essential to learn techniques for managing and releasing these feelings in a healthy way. Ideally, this person will respect your request and leave you alone, but if they don’t, you may need to find other ways to release their emotions from your body.
In case you’re wondering what an empath is, I asked Google, ‘What is an empath?’ and this is the answer I received:
‘An empath is a person who is highly attuned to the feelings and emotions of those around them. They experience what another person is feeling on a deep emotional level, and their ability to sense others’ emotions goes beyond basic empathy. Empaths are often described as “emotional sponges” because they naturally absorb the emotions of others without even trying.'”
(One common misperception is that narcissists can’t be empaths, but they can! A narcissist can be an empath, and an empath doesn’t have to be a narcissist).
Because a narcissist’s emotions are often more intense than a gentle, quiet person can comfortably handle, learning tools to maintain emotional balance is crucial for your well-being.
If you ask a narcissist to act like a grown-up around you, they may start telling you that you’re not handling your emotions properly when you stay quiet. They might accuse you of giving them the silent treatment, especially if you’re an introvert who simply doesn’t want to talk to a stalker who’s harassed and slut-shamed you for years. Alternatively, they could bully you into discussing your emotions with them, ultimately forcing you to allow them to emotionally abuse you.
Immature emotional behavior
Emotionally immature individuals often exhibit childish behaviors. For example:
- They may constantly talk about their emotions in an attempt to manipulate others.
- When asked to respect a boundary, they may dismiss your request, saying, “You have no right to say that to me,” or, “When you set boundaries, you’re shutting me out, and that makes me angry.”
- They might guilt-trip you into engaging with them when you prefer not to.
- They may shame you for expressing emotions, such as telling you that you “look ugly when you cry”.
Some emotionally immature individuals may even attempt to “coach” others without proper credentials, offering unsolicited advice while displaying clear signs of psychological instability or mental illness themselves.
Some coaches may believe they don’t need to address or heal their own issues, especially if they hold a certificate that supposedly ‘proves’ their competence. However, a responsible coach should engage in their own inner work to avoid projecting their unresolved issues onto others.
Unfortunately, some coaches may take pleasure in placing healthy individuals in the role of a ‘patient’ so they can assume the role of a ‘therapist.’ If someone is severely mentally ill, they may require professional psychiatric care rather than being allowed to coach others.
I like to compare it to giving antibiotics to a healthy person, claiming they are sick, while not giving a sick person antibiotics when needed, claiming they are healthy. Healing should be directed at the right person, not the wrong one. A narcissist’s severe projections may push you into the role of the ‘identified patient,’ meaning you are wrongly labeled as the one who needs healing. In most cases, it is the person who has pushed you into this role who actually needs to heal their own issues, but they avoid doing so in order to appear healthy, not deranged.
Emotions and the body
Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) suggests that emotions are stored in different organs:
- Anger is associated with the liver.
- Hatred and jealousy are linked to the heart.
- Low self-esteem is connected to a weakened spleen.
- Overthinking is related to spleen imbalance.
My former in-laws and my ex-husband used to shame our children whenever they cried, even when they were babies. This is common in Chinese society, where children are taught not to cry because it would cause their caregiver to lose face. There’s a common phrase in Chinese that they used: ‘男子汉不哭’ (a real man doesn’t cry).
Crying is a natural way to release sadness. I have always believed that crying is extremely healthy. Of course, we shouldn’t cry to manipulate others, but if we’re sad, crying can be beneficial for everyone. I once asked my son, when he became angry, if he was angry. He replied, ‘No, mum, I’m sad!’ When we’re sad but not allowed to cry, this emotion often transforms into anger.
Having our boundaries violated can also lead to anger. For example, if you’re tired but aren’t allowed to sleep, you’ll eventually feel angry because others are preventing you from meeting your basic needs.
Legitimate vs. illegitimate anger
Legitimate anger arises when someone mistreats or abuses you. If a narcissist repeatedly violates your boundaries or projects their anger onto you, you may feel justified anger and, at times, even hatred.
Illegitimate anger occurs when someone is angry at you for no valid reason. Narcissists may project their unresolved emotions onto others, blaming them unfairly for their unhappiness.
Narcissists often use projection as a defense mechanism. You may be sitting quietly, yet they accuse you of being disruptive. You may be neutral, yet they blame you for making them angry. This is a hallmark of emotional immaturity.
Managing emotional exposure
If you are a highly sensitive person, being around individuals who constantly project their emotions onto you can be overwhelming. You may find greater peace by surrounding yourself with emotionally stable individuals who respect boundaries and create a calm, supportive environment.
Histrionic individuals, in contrast, often thrive on drama. Instead of enjoying quiet activities like reading or meditating, they seek constant attention and disrupt the peace of those around them, preventing others from spending time alone, reading, healing, or engaging in activities that align with their natural and healthy lifestyle. They may even resort to name-calling and persistent boundary violations until you finally respond in frustration.
A healthy person would never want to be in the vicinity of someone like this, and if you find yourself around such a person, know that I understand what it’s like. These individuals are impossible to reason with, never behave maturely, and can even force you to regress emotionally by preventing you from setting healthy boundaries and disregarding those boundaries.
If you’ve already told them their behavior is unacceptable—that they’re acting like a spoiled child, not an adult, and you won’t tolerate that in your presence—and they still don’t change, it usually indicates that they aren’t self-aware or conscious enough, that their brain isn’t functioning as it should for an adult, and likely that they don’t want to change. Provoking others allows them to feed their narcissistic needs. Some narcissists, especially sociopaths, provoke stronger emotions in others and thrive on the chaos they create, even as they remain out of control themselves. Their behavior often causes others to lose control because they persist with childish tactics and emotional immaturity, even when asked to stop.
Setting boundaries
A mature person does not engage in endless emotional games. If you recognize that someone is emotionally immature and unwilling to respect your boundaries, it is important to distance yourself from their toxic influence. If you have already addressed their behavior and they refuse to change, this often indicates an unwillingness to grow. Some narcissists, particularly sociopaths, deliberately provoke others to extract a reaction—this gives them a sense of control and satisfaction.
Have you ever had to deal with an emotionally immature person?
On a side note:
I had disabled comments for the past few years due to stalking. I’ve now reactivated them on all posts, so feel free to leave a comment at the bottom of the page. Please stay polite and respectful in your comments, or I will have to delete them!
