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China Elevator Stories
Real Victims vs. People Who Play the Victim
Can you spot the difference between a person who is a real victim and one who plays the victim?
01/02/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
As human beings, many of us have experienced adverse events. In recent years, I’ve repeatedly noticed that people often confuse different concepts. Some have portrayed me as someone “enjoying the role of the victim,” when in reality, I was simply speaking about what I had experienced. I believe what some were missing was the distinction between a person who plays the victim and a real victim—two completely different things.
A real victim, such as someone who has experienced domestic violence, may feel the need to talk about their negative experiences. I believe it is important for people to share their experiences—not only to inform others but also to encourage the exchange of valuable information. I like to compare this to the stories Jewish people wrote during World War II. Had they not shared their experiences, we wouldn’t fully understand the extent of the cruelties they endured. Unfortunately, if you’re unlucky, others may blame you and project onto you that you’re ‘playing the victim’ when you are not. I have experienced, in the past few years, that many people are uncomfortable when victims speak about the abuse they have experienced, and would rather make the victim shut up and brush the experience under the carpet and pretend that such things don’t happen.
So, what is the difference between being a real victim and playing the victim?
Being a real victim means you have experienced negative events that have made you a victim. A real victim is always innocent and never to blame for what happened to them. Think of the Jews during World War II—they were real victims, the victims of extremely cruel people, the Nazis, and not people who were “playing the victim” to gain sympathy.
On the other hand, a person who plays the victim manipulates others by pretending to be a victim when they are not. This is something narcissists, who are often perpetrators, frequently do. Many narcissists are very adept at playing the victim. For example, your ex-husband may have been the one who used threats, intimidation, or other forms of violence, but he may blame you, claiming that you did something wrong to him and that he had a terrible time with you. This is one simple example. Some people may even “compete” with you by pretending to be a bigger victim, drawing attention away from you (even if getting attention is not the reason you’re talking about your experience), and preventing others from recognizing you as the real victim. Others may feign illnesses, especially when you’re sick yourself. For instance, if you fall ill and need rest or help from your husband, your mother-in-law might suddenly pretend she’s much sicker than you and need to be cared for by your husband, so he won’t be able to take care of you. There are many other ways a narcissist will play the victim, which I have not mentioned here.
It’s not always easy to discern whether someone is a real victim or simply acting like one. Sometimes, body language and eye movements can give them away, but it takes a trained eye to tell when someone is merely playing the victim. Some narcissists are consummate actors and can even fake crying to garner sympathy.
Switching victim and perpetrator roles is common among narcissists. Once you start telling others what has happened to you, they will likely portray themselves as the victim, while portraying the actual victim as the perpetrator. A common tactic used by perpetrators is to portray the victim as hysterical, insane, or having a bad memory, making it seem like the victim doesn’t know what happened to her or portraying her as a liar, so they can keep doing what they are doing.
I’ve experienced this pattern repeatedly, which highlights a common behavior among narcissists when a victim points out the actions of a perpetrator. In German, ‘victim blaming’ is also known as ‘victim-perpetrator reversal,’ which refers to this common pattern found in victim-perpetrator dynamics.
Do you agree?