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China Elevator Stories
Signs of a Jealous Chinese Mother-in-Law
Are you dealing with a jealous Chinese mother-in-law?
31/01/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
While we all may experience jealousy at times, and it can be a normal emotion, the pathological jealousy of a Chinese mother-in-law is a different story.
A few years ago, I joined several groups on WeChat created for Western women who were dating or married to Chinese men (groups for members of the AMWF community). Most of these women were based in China, though some were in their home countries, such as Canada or the US. There was also a subgroup for women who had children with a Chinese husband.
These groups were initially created so that women in AMWF relationships wouldn’t feel so isolated and could easily find others in similar situations. As far as I remember, the main AMWF WeChat group was created by singer and author Ember Swift, a Canadian living in Beijing who had been married to a Chinese husband who contributed little to their family life once their children were born.
Today, I feel like these groups have mostly stopped functioning. This is a common group dynamic—once a group becomes too big or experiences a “generational change” (a new wave of people in AMWF relationships joins while the older members leave), it may no longer work as it once did. In my experience, some of these groups, which used to foster polite, respectful exchanges, have now turned toxic, stalling any meaningful or supportive discussions.
Back when I was still living in Siping, I heard many horror stories in these groups about Chinese mothers-in-law and thought I was lucky with mine—comparatively. I didn’t understand at the time what was still to come (this was before all hell broke loose).
Many Western women married to Chinese men found themselves dealing with unbearable Chinese mothers-in-law, while their husbands were nowhere to be seen. Those who gave birth in China often had particularly negative experiences with their mothers-in-law. A common pattern emerged: these women found their Chinese mothers-in-law enmeshed in their lives, trying to take away their babies, controlling how they raised their children, or preventing them from having a say in their own lives in many ways.
My Chinese mother-in-law, though I didn’t realize it at first, was particularly jealous. Her jealousy was all-encompassing. While she used to mention feeling jealous many years ago—when she stayed with us in Shenzhen after my husband and I had recently married and I had just become pregnant with our first son—I didn’t grasp how severe her jealousy was until after moving to Siping in Northeast China.
Signs of jealousy may include:
- She tries to monopolize your husband’s time and attention.
- She attempts to push you out of your marriage.
- She won’t allow you to “have what is yours,” makes hurtful snide remarks, or manipulates your husband into depriving you of things (believing you deserve less than you have).
- She tries to interfere in your career, pressuring you to leave a job you love for something worse or lower-paying.
- If you earn a salary, she may demand a portion of it. In general, I believe if Chinese in-laws need financial help, the husband should be the one to contribute, not the wife. However, if you are in an abusive relationship, your Chinese husband may coerce you into financially supporting his parents.
- If you spend “too much” on daily items like food or household supplies, she may accuse you of being wasteful, a bad daughter-in-law, or manipulate you into spending less. This doesn’t mean you actually overspend—she may simply be jealous and want to control your finances.
- If you enjoy small luxuries, like a morning cup of coffee, she may try to prevent you from having it (labeling it frivolous), or manipulate your husband into believing you shouldn’t enjoy it either (she may even allow him to have his cup of coffee, but not that you enjoy yours).
- If you celebrate birthdays, Christmas, or other holidays with your husband, she may demand an invitation or pressure you to stop celebrating altogether. In my case, my former mother-in-law first tried to insert herself into our celebrations, effectively ruining them. When I refused—because she always created drama, destroyed the mood, or tried to change our traditions—she manipulated my husband into stopping our celebrations entirely. I was no longer allowed to bake for him on his birthday, give him a present, or even acknowledge the occasion. Instead, she would show up uninvited with boiled eggs and impose her own way of celebrating. In this case, this meant that we all had to eat two boiled eggs, and once we were finished eating, the celebration was over. By then, our marriage had already deteriorated, so this was just another layer of dysfunction.
- If you give birth in China, she may insist on being the first to hold the baby or even take your newborn away for hours to show off to relatives. Many Western women in China have reported traumatic childbirth experiences due to their mothers-in-law interfering before, during, or after labor.
- If you have children, she may constantly compete with you or try to steal them from you. Many Western women reported that their Chinese mothers-in-law moved in after childbirth, taking over childcare duties and inserting themselves as the primary mother figure. These women often had their authority undermined.
- She may steal all your “firsts”: In my case, my mother-in-law systematically stole every “first” from me. She ensured I never got to cut my sons’ hair by insisting she or my father-in-law do it. Later, when they were taken to a hairdresser, she made sure to go instead of me. If I planned to take them on a Sunday, she would take them on the day before to ensure I couldn’t go to the hairdresser with them.
- Whenever I bought new clothes for my children, she would immediately buy competing outfits and insist they wear hers instead. She would find excuses to dismiss my choices and would try to forbid them from wearing the clothes I had bought, usually by finding some kind of excuse, such as claiming my clothes weren’t good enough. There was a constant “shopping competition” going on. While I was simply trying to buy clothes that were organic or didn’t come with as many chemicals, she would turn it into a competition where “she and grandpa were the ones who had bought their grandchildren clothes.” We are not talking about grandparents who occasionally bought their grandchildren clothes as a present, but grandparents who tried to make me obsolete as a parent and a caregiver and bought clothes all of the time. They bought cheap clothes—clothes overloaded with chemicals that would not be allowed into the European market for this reason.
- One time, my children were asked to be models in a photo studio that was looking to use mixed children for “marketing purposes.” While I initially declined, not wanting to objectify my children, and also having asked my older son—who was the one initially invited—who declined and said he didn’t want to go and have pictures taken, my former husband didn’t allow a no. As a thank-you for letting the studio take pictures, we would receive a photo album with their pictures. I took both my sons, and a few days later, when I was teaching in Changchun, my former mother-in-law contacted the photo studio to pick up the photo album, which she and her husband kept instead of allowing me to have it. She didn’t tell me in advance that this was what she was going to do; she simply stole the album from me.
- When pushing the stroller, my mother-in-law would always compete with me and snatch it from me so that she would be the one pushing it. She was not a safe person and pushed the stroller in the middle of the street, where cars were driving, and I didn’t want her to push it. She also always made sure to objectify my children, bragging to everybody about them instead of protecting their privacy or caring about their needs. Now, I understand that people tend to brag about their children, and this can be normal, but in her case, the bragging was extreme and superficial. It wasn’t really about my kids or that she was proud of them; it was the kind of bragging that only showed what a great grandmother she was and how perfect she was, with no regard for my children’s emotional needs or the importance of protecting their privacy.
- When my children were at home with me and she visited, she was so jealous that she would interrupt everything we said, constantly snatch my children from me, and always make sure she was the center of attention, ensuring that no one got to do anything peacefully.
- When I took care of my children alone, she would “act the victim,” so my husband would send our children to their place. He was an enabler (enabling his mother’s toxic behavior) and didn’t set healthy boundaries with his parents.
This is only an overview—there were many more situations, and they happened all the time. I tried to protect my children as much as possible, but at times, it simply wasn’t possible to keep that toxic influence away from them.
Signs to watch out for regarding a jealous mother-in-law:
1. Control and interference in your life:
These can include trying to live with you and then dictating what you are allowed and not allowed to do, eat, how you should clean, how you should take care of your children, what you are allowed to talk about, and who you are allowed to spend time with. (Make sure to set boundaries when seeing the first red flags.)
2. Manipulating your relationships:
This can happen either to your face or behind your back. If it happens to your face, she may go above and beyond to portray someone who is your friend as a bad influence or a bad person, or find some other excuse for why you shouldn’t spend time with them. If it happens behind your back, she may “play the victim” so that your husband or children pity her and take her side, or she may manipulate your relationships by spreading stories about you that cause others to shun you and avoid meeting with you in the future.
3. Competing with you:
These can be trivial things, such as who is the better cook, who dresses better, who is the better parent, or who is the better wife. But it can also be more serious, such as wanting to take care of your children all the time, competing with you for the role of the mother, or actively plotting to steal your children from you—which is what happened in my life.
4. Negative consequences, punishment, or revenge:
For example, when your husband or children show you love and affection, she may either punish you or punish your loved ones in a way meant to stop you from showing affection. If you don’t comply, she might take your children away and brainwash them against you behind your back, or even physically harm them. She could also seek revenge by putting them at risk, like pushing a stroller in the middle of the street despite your requests not to, or giving your children cola or excessive sweets when you’ve asked her to protect their health and teach them healthy habits. Cola can cause diabetes—a well-known fact—and doctors in the Western world advise against giving it to children. So why offer cola when there are healthier options, like water, fruit or herbal tea, or juice? I prefer water, but if you can’t avoid the toxic stuff, anything natural is better than cola.
5. Interfering with your time in a destructive manner:
This could mean preventing you from spending enough time with your children, expecting to be invited to all celebrations or activities, and showing up uninvited if she isn’t. She may try to manage your time instead of letting you do so, control how much you work, interfere with your job, dictate how much time your husband can spend with you, and control what you’re allowed to do in your free time. She might even try to control how you spend your time overall.
6. Stealing things from you:
She may want to have everything that’s yours. If you have children, she may steal their belongings so that you won’t have them.
7. Stealing relationships from you:
She may attempt to steal your relationships, whether it’s your bond with your husband or your connection with your children. In the worst cases, she might even befriend all of your friends, portraying you as a villain who has wronged her (playing the victim), making your friends believe you’re a terrible person who treats others horribly, instead of a kind individual worthy of meaningful connections.
8. Destroying your marriage:
She may actively work to destroy your marriage. In my case, that’s exactly what my former mother-in-law did. Not that my ex-husband didn’t play a part, but she was a key instigator of the divorce. She made sure to present herself as a kind, giving, and caring person who treated me well in public, but behind closed doors, she was manipulative, controlling, jealous, greedy, constantly criticizing me, belittling me, and devaluing me—all while actively working to diminish my self-worth.
9. Copying your appearance:
She might start dressing the way you do. If you’re dealing with a particularly creepy mother-in-law, you could soon find yourself facing one who seems to steal your identity. This situation can be especially uncomfortable. You might notice that she suddenly starts dressing like you, buys clothes in the same colors as yours (for example, purchasing a pink rain jacket that’s similar in color and style to yours), or dresses in a way that makes her appear younger, so she can compete with you.
10. Belittling your appearance:
A jealous mother-in-law may comment negatively on your appearance. When my former mother-in-law couldn’t convince me to “wear more comfortable maternity trousers,” (what she considered more comfortable, not what would have actually been more comfortable), she teamed up with a doctor who also told me I should wear more comfortable maternity clothes. She wouldn’t accept my decision that my body was mine and that I had the right to make decisions regarding it, including what kinds of trousers I wanted to wear during pregnancy. Instead, she constantly criticized the clothes I was wearing. I had bought a few maternity items at H&M, and I believe she was jealous of how I looked. I felt comfortable in my clothes and didn’t appreciate her trying to manipulate me into changing into something else. She may also belittle your looks. She might mock your “hounaoshao” (后脑勺, a round head), claiming it would look better if it were flat like the heads of some Chinese people—like the one your husband has, which she made sure to flatten when he was a baby, to the point that it was as flat as a 90-degree angle. (It’s such a “perfect” look that it might make any Western woman blush. Just kidding—please don’t flatten anyone’s head; round heads look just fine!)
11. She may belittle your cooking:
She may not be a better cook, but she might still belittle your cooking. She may do so by criticizing your cooking skills, belittling the way you prepare things, or criticizing how your food looks, smells, or tastes. She might disapprove of the ingredients you’re using, claim that your cooking isn’t good enough, or say that Western food isn’t healthy or doesn’t taste good. If she is at your place right after you’ve cooked Chinese food and you offer her the food you just made, she may refuse to eat it—that’s how poorly she might think of your cooking. You may actually be a great cook, but if she’s jealous, she could still act this way. Now, I understand that not everyone likes everyone’s cooking, and that’s fine—there are bad cooks and good cooks, and not everyone likes every dish. But if she is actively portraying you as a bad cook, even when you’re not, that’s a different story.
12. Criticizing your cleaning skills:
When she enters your flat, she might tell you that you’re not cleaning well enough. If she doesn’t criticize your cleaning skills, she may still criticize you for spending too much money on cleaning supplies, calling it “overspending” when you buy something like a 4-Yuan broom for mopping the floor. (4 CNY equal 0,53 EUR or 0,55 USD.)
13. Being jealous of your home:
She might also be jealous of your flat. She could be trying to compete with you over your living space, or simply feel envious if your flat is larger, more modern, looks more Western, or for any other seemingly insignificant reason. Even if it’s not the case, she might still feel jealousy. Our homes should be places where we can relax, feel at ease, and not be disturbed by others in ways that could force us to change our routines or make us uncomfortable. She might be willing to disrupt your peace of mind, for example, by constantly bringing her things into your space even after you’ve asked her not to, or by assuming that your home is also hers without seeking permission. For instance, when you decided to buy a play mat for your children that you thought was appropriate, she might quickly bring in her own—one you find unattractive. She could even replace the items you’ve bought with her own! This happened frequently with my former mother-in-law. I preferred a simple and tidy home, but she would bring in things that cluttered the space. She never asked if she could, she would just do it when I wasn’t around. I often came back to the flat after working in Changchun, a neighboring city where I was for two days a week, to find that things had changed. The plain blue bedding I had would be replaced with red bedding with loud patterns, the pillows I bought would be swapped for uncomfortable buckwheat pillows she had made (these pillows easily grow mold), our towels would be replaced with hers, and even my children’s clothes would be swapped for hers.
As for other signs of a jealous Chinese mother-in-law, she might also try to undermine your choices or decisions about how to run your home, your children’s upbringing, or your relationships. She may attempt to exert control over your life, subtly or not-so-subtly, by questioning your decisions or constantly offering unsolicited advice. Another sign could be if she regularly compares you to other family members, often making you feel like you fall short in some way.