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China Elevator Stories
Signs Your Chinese Mother-In-Law Is a Narcissist
In this post, I am sharing a list of common behaviors exhibited by a narcissistic Chinese mother-in-law.
19/01/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
I have found that narcissism is common in my Chinese mother-in-law’s generation. There may be different signs that your Chinese mother-in-law is a narcissist, and usually, the way this manifests is the same as with a Western woman who is a narcissist. However, if you aren’t familiar with Chinese culture, you may think that certain behaviors are simply cultural, not narcissism.
Signs your Chinese mother-in-law may be a narcissist include:
- She needs to be the center of attention.
- She creates drama and conflict. She may try to break up your relationship, destroy your bond with your children, or cause other forms of discord.
- She plays the victim. This can involve:
– Telling your husband how bad you are and how poorly you treat her.
– Pretending that you don’t tend to her needs sufficiently.
– Claiming that you are the one causing problems when, in reality, she is.
– Seeking preferential treatment, such as pretending she is “too old” for others to treat her a certain way. For example, she might say, “I’m too old; I need to spend time with my grandchildren every day because I may soon die,” effectively blocking you from spending time with your children.
- She pretends to be too sick for others to exclude her or set boundaries with her (without actually being that sick) or too old for others to treat her a certain way.
- She manipulates others and triangulates relationships behind your back.
- She is two-faced. She treats you politely and respectfully when others are watching but behaves abysmally when no one else is around.
- If she is particularly cruel, she may also treat you poorly even when others are present.
- She dominates conversations. She won’t allow you to talk and will monopolize the conversation. If you do speak, she will redirect the attention back to herself.
- She selectively takes photos. For instance, she might ask you to take pictures of her with her grandchildren but refuse to take pictures with you and your children if you ask her to.
- She is in competition with you. She may try to take on the role of the mother of your children or the wife of your husband.
- She disregards your needs. While she believes her own needs are legitimate, she may dismiss yours, at your expense. My former mother-in-law, for example, once made sure I would go hungry for hours while waiting for her during my second pregnancy. She showed me later that she did so knowingly.
- She lacks a stable identity and may take on your identity. If she is overly co-dependent, she might use this as an excuse to insert herself into every aspect of your life. For example:
– If your husband used to shop for clothes with you, she might demand he stop doing that and take her shopping instead.
– If you and your husband share a car, she might force him to prioritize her use of it, even if you paid for it, and insist on driving her places instead of taking you anywhere.
– If your children attend kindergarten, she might establish contact with their teachers and become the primary person they communicate with, effectively excluding you from those relationships.
- She guilt-trips you or your husband. If she perceives that your husband loves you more than her, pays more attention to you, or enjoys spending time with you, she may guilt-trip him into prioritizing her instead. When you set healthy boundaries, she may accuse you of being a bad daughter-in-law, treating her poorly, or being disrespectful.
- She believes she’s the best at everything and that you always fall short. She sees herself as the better parent to your children, the better woman in your husband’s life, the better person overall—the better cook, cleaner, and companion. She will place herself on a pedestal and diminish your worth. Often, this won’t reflect the truth. My former mother-in-law was difficult to be around, but she had an inflated sense of self-importance, with a severe superiority complex. She may even compete with you over looks, trying to outshine you in terms of appearance. This can put you in a position where you’re forced to compete with her over who’s prettier, who has better taste, or who dresses better.
- She doesn’t allow you to have your own opinion or individuality. She sees herself as perfect and insists that everything must be done her way. When you do things differently, she may criticize or degrade you. She may completely ban your culture and traditions from your life or your children’s lives. Your opinions and boundaries won’t be respected. Boundaries are essential for asserting our individuality, but narcissists often disregard them. Typically, only one opinion is acceptable: the narcissist’s.
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She doesn’t allow you to have your own likes or dislikes. My mother-in-law was particularly strict about this. Everything revolved around her preferences—how she wanted things done, how our flat should look, and what she liked or disliked (not that she had particularly great taste). Everyone was expected to share her preferences. If you had a differing view, she made it clear to you or others that it wasn’t acceptable. For example, when food was enjoyed together, everyone was required to like certain dishes, and no one was allowed to express a differing opinion. If she prepared Jiucai Jiaozi (韭菜饺子, Chinese dumplings with Chinese chives—the green stuff that tastes like glue), you had to eat them and pretend to enjoy them, even if their taste made your stomach churn. Allergies or food intolerances weren’t acknowledged—you had to eat whatever she considered tasty, even if it caused you discomfort or diarrhea (apologies for the blunt language).
- She isolates you and sabotages your relationships. She may work to isolate you from your friends, family, and even your children, either overtly or covertly. For example:
– She might contact your friends, build relationships with them, and then triangulate them against you by speaking badly about you.
– She might forbid you from meeting certain people, including family members.
– She might ask about your relationships with certain people and then actively sabotage closer connections.
– She may covertly ruin relationships, causing friends who previously treated you kindly to suddenly become distant and cold.
- She is cruel, conscienceless, and selfish. She will do whatever is necessary to remove you from your husband’s and children’s lives. She doesn’t see anything wrong with denying others their rights or protecting themselves from her toxic influence or abuse. She may hit your children behind your back. In my case, this happened, and I only found out about it much later, when she couldn’t contain her jealousy in one instance. She hit my older son after he fell down and then shamed him for falling, accusing him of “not giving her face.”
- She may retaliate against you for setting healthy boundaries by punishing your children or you. For instance, if your children show love toward you, she might try to damage your relationship with them.
- She may initially appear polite, respectful, and nice, but her behavior may change over time. At first, she may seem generous and kind, leading you to believe you have a loving mother-in-law. However, as time goes on, she may become impolite, cruel, hateful, jealous or abusive towards you. This initial bonding can make it harder for you to recognize the toxicity, set boundaries, or leave the toxic relationship later.
Is there anything you would add to the list?