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China Elevator Stories
What Consent Is and What It Isn’t
Consent is often used in the context of sexual encounters, but it also refers to other situations.
08/01/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Consent is a fundamental aspect of respectful relationships, whether in sexual interactions, communication, or other areas of life. It is the act of willingly agreeing to something, with the freedom to say “no” without fear of consequences.
When we talk about consent, it is often in the context of sexual relationships—specifically, consenting to engage in sexual activity. Most commonly, consent is framed as something a man must obtain from a woman before initiating sex. This reflects societal norms where men are more likely to take the initiative in sexual situations. However, consent is not gender-specific; it applies equally to everyone, regardless of who initiates.
Consent must be clear, enthusiastic, and freely given. It cannot be assumed or implied by silence or lack of resistance. Moreover, there are situations where consent cannot be given, such as when someone is intoxicated, unconscious, or under pressure. For example, a woman being asked to have sex with her boss may feel unable to refuse due to fear of losing her job.
Consent is not just about saying “yes” or “no” in the moment—it’s about creating an environment where every individual feels safe and empowered to express their true desires without coercion. And while it is often emphasized that men should seek consent from women, the reverse is also true: women must respect men’s boundaries and shouldn’t force or pressure them into sexual activity.
Consent in communication
Consent extends beyond physical interactions. It is equally important in communication. Everyone has the right to set boundaries about when, how, and with whom they communicate.
For instance, I have personally experienced situations where my verbal boundaries were repeatedly ignored. Despite saying things like, “No, I don’t want to talk to you,” or “No, you have no right to talk to me,” my boundaries were disregarded by an individual who continued to verbally harass me. This lack of respect for communication boundaries is a form of abuse.
Asking for consent in communication might look like this:
“Would it be okay if we talked?”
“Are you willing to have a conversation with me?”
“Would you like to chat?”
In many casual interactions, people don’t explicitly ask for permission to communicate, and that’s often fine if all parties are comfortable with the interaction. However, when someone is abusive, ignores a clear “no,” or forces communication—such as shouting, screaming, or harassing—they are violating the other person’s boundaries.
Ignoring a “no” in communication is deeply disrespectful. It demonstrates a lack of regard for the other person’s needs and autonomy. For example, I’ve observed that some individuals, particularly stalkers or narcissists, refuse to respect the boundaries of introverted women who need time and space for themselves.
Consent requires the freedom to say “no”
Consent only works if a “no” can be freely given and respected. Unfortunately, I’ve often encountered situations where people tried to force communication or interaction, disregarding my boundaries. For instance, some individuals would share far less about themselves than they expected me to share, or they would pressure me to engage in conversations or social situations that I wasn’t comfortable with.
These behaviors reflect coercive control, which is alarmingly common. Violations of the right to say “no” can be subtle, such as guilt-tripping, or overt, such as verbal abuse or physical intimidation.
When boundaries are crossed
Sometimes, boundary violations happen unintentionally. A person may not realize they’ve crossed a line, and if no harm was done, such situations can often be resolved through communication and understanding. However, when consent is knowingly ignored, or when trust is irreversibly broken, the situation becomes far more serious.
For example, if someone repeatedly disregards explicit refusals, they are intentionally violating your boundaries. This is unacceptable.
My personal experience
As an introvert and a woman, I’ve faced extreme harassment over the years, particularly in Vienna. I’ve had more stalkers than I can count on one hand, and I’ve been sexually harassed repeatedly. Contrary to my earlier assumption that age would lessen this behavior, I’ve found that harassment persists as long as there are individuals willing to engage in harassment.
I assumed that by the time I turned 37, I would experience less sexual harassment than I did at 17. However, the opposite has been true. The first time I realized I had been stalked by someone was when I was 15. Someone repeatedly called me on my private number in the evenings. When I answered, the person on the other end would stay silent. To this day, I have no idea who that creep was, but believe me, it’s terrifying when you don’t know who keeps calling you.
The number didn’t show up on my phone, so I couldn’t block it. I don’t think my phone even had the option to block numbers back then—this was before smartphones became a thing. This went on for many months.
Things have only gotten worse now that we all use smartphones. Stalkers can install spyware, making it easier than ever for them to invade our privacy and cause harm.
These experiences have highlighted the urgent need for a cultural shift in how we understand and practice consent. Violations of boundaries—whether sexual, verbal, or emotional—are pervasive and damaging.
If you’ve had similar experiences, feel free to send me an email and share your story
Do you have a similar experience?