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“Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism” (by Sandy Hotchkiss)
Sandy Hotchkiss explains the seven signs of a narcissist in her book.
16/10/2024
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
As a woman, I believe we all have a right to our own time and space, and to make decisions that work for us. But have you ever had to deal with selfish people who were so selfish that it severely impacted your life?
In my opinion, there is normal selfishness, and then there is extreme selfishness. Normal selfishness usually doesn’t affect others, but extreme selfishness does.
In Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, Sandy Hotchkiss writes:
“Sometimes it seems as if the world is full of selfish people who have no thought for others except how to use them for their own purposes. Their needs are more important than anyone else’s, and they expect to be accommodated in all things. They can’t seem to see the bigger picture, or comprehend why they might not always come first. Their expectations have an almost childlike quality, yet they can be tyrannically outraged or pitifully depressed when thwarted.”
Living with someone who behaves like this, or even being in their vicinity, is no fun.
Sandy Hotchkiss further writes:
“That misery is a byproduct of a personality flaw that, by cultural standards, has become disturbingly ‘normal’.”
When a person tries to ruin your relationships because you wouldn’t let a stranger partake in them, isolate you from people in your life, and live as though they were you, this points to extreme selfishness. Wanting what isn’t theirs, what they have no right to, and then punishing you for not giving it to them—without it being your fault—is a pattern I have experienced with an extremely deranged and mentally ill person. He is not only mentally ill but also one of the most arrogant and selfish people I’ve ever encountered. And I’ve met a lot of selfish people in my life! Of course, in his mind, and as he puts it, I am the one who is arrogant, egotistical, and selfish for not sharing my kids, my experiences with my kids, and all of my relationships with him.
How common extreme selfishness is has been shown to me repeatedly over the past few years while dealing with different people in different circumstances.
Sandy Hotchkiss explains:
“We see it in our daily dealings with one another, which in many cases have become less kind, courteous, or inclined toward generosity. We feel it in our workplaces, which are permeated with resentment, anxiety, and debilitating job-related stress. (…) By its very nature, this sickness isolates us from one another and from reality, and it stands between us and all that we can hope to have and be. Its name is narcissism, and it lurks behind many of the social ills that plague twenty-first-century America.”
When a grandmother parents your own children and won’t let you partake in parenting them, this is extreme selfishness. It is selfish toward me, their mother, and selfish toward her grandchildren, who have the right to be parented by their mother, not their grandmother as the primary parent.
Selfishness and narcissism don’t only exist in the U.S.; they exist all around the world, including in Austria, China, and many other countries.
Sandra Hotchkiss, who wrote this book in 2003, explains:
“There is nothing new about narcissism. There have always been vain, grasping, manipulative characters who have an inflated perception of themselves and little regard for others.”
In my opinion, the way narcissism manifests today has become very extreme. I can see a clear difference between how narcissists behaved in my parents’ generation and how they behave in mine. The difference is troubling, because narcissists in my parents’ generation, though sometimes extremely narcissistic, still had some regard for social boundaries and norms. Many narcissists in my generation seem to have lost that regard entirely. This is troubling for individuals, and for society as a whole.
According to Sandra Hotchkiss:
“The characteristic ways that narcissists think and behave are what I describe in Part I as the Seven Deadly Sins. Some of these, such as entitlement and the rage that accompanies it, arrogance and magical thinking (grandiosity and omnipotence), are familiar faces of narcissism. But you may be surprised to learn that poor interpersonal boundaries, the emotional shallowness that stems from buried shame, envy and its sidekick contempt, and the exploitiveness that fills the vacuum created by the absence of empathy are even more indicative of unhealthy narcissism than an inflated ego or mere selfishness.”
Sandra Hotchkiss describes the seven sins of narcissism as:
“Shamelessness, magical thinking, arrogance, envy, entitlement, exploitation, and lack of boundaries.”
If you can identify all of these seven traits in an individual, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Shamelessness, for example, means they take from others without feeling guilt; magical thinking means they believe the world revolves around them; arrogance makes them believe they deserve preferential treatment or that they have the right to put others down. Envy appears when they want what’s yours and will stop at nothing until they have it or destroy it. Entitlement shows when they believe they have rights they don’t, or when they demand that you sacrifice your valid needs for their invalid ones. Exploitation is too broad to explore here, and a lack of boundaries can be seen not only in their actions but also in their lack of respect for another person’s boundaries.
Have you ever met an extremely selfish person?